ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A glimpse at my past: Christianity, Charismatic Churches, Missionary Work and God's Calling; Part 5

Updated on September 26, 2012

The Denoument

I experienced the sublime in Hong Kong. Everyday was beautiful and lovely. God was paramount in my world. But then everything changed and drastically. My disorder---the same one that made me think I contracted it due to my sin----reared its ugly head.

I was faithful to pray intensely each day that I lived overseas. I was faithful to listen to God each day as well. Nevertheless, I became sick just like six years before. I had a manic episode. It was shocking. I studied God's Word even harder than I had before I accepted my teaching position. I ritualistically created a prayer "sandwich" using the book of Ephesians; and yet, I became ill.

Moreover, just prior to the outbreak of the manic episode, I encountered a dismantling emotional "holy war" between the Protestants and Catholics at ICS. I had seven Catholic students and a Catholic principal. Everyone else at ICS was Protestant. One Catholic student was strongly picked on. He would come to my room during his lunch period and my planning period because of the daily abuse. We would talk and he would argue Catholic apologetics. I knew nothing about Catholicism except that I lived around many, many Catholics when I grew up in Kansas.

I have to say that that daily experience helped catapult me into a crisis of faith. ICS stressed that my Bible Doctrine class was to be from a Protestant perspective. I was so naive I thought that must be the "end all to be all" perspective. However, I would learn in the following years that it was just ONE view. There were many other view points about God and Christianity.

So, what ultimately happened was that my meds got messed up due to a non-translation of dosages between the U.S. and Hong Kong. I was reeling about the heart breaking "holy war" between my students and the board. And my brain went berserk shortly after Christmas because I forgot to take my drugs when I took a brief holiday trip to an outlying island.

But before the circuits in my mind went into total overdrive, I had one last amazing spiritual experience.

My brain raced as I sat in a contemplative state overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I listened intently to Steven Curtis Chapman sing about being up on the mountain. It was as though Chapman was singing directly to my heart. I knew I was getting ready to enter a "valley experience." I was deeply sad but concretely accepting of that "valley." This was God's call for me. I was going to live through something that elicited horrible amounts of disgrace and shame. I was going to live through the devastation of returning home from my dream in a similar fashion to how Vietnam vets returned from their very confusing war.

A lot of people rode my coattails to Hong Kong. When I failed to return to the United States healthy and a missionary, those same people felt great disappointment. My shame and disgrace were magnified by this coattail factor. It would take me years to heal from this.

Furthermore, my headmaster acted quite meanly toward me. After my hospitalization, I remained in Hong Kong for about a month. My headmaster called me stupid for screwing up my meds. I was damaged inside. My fragility was incredible. He was supposed to be a Christian that exemplified the institution he ran. He was self-centered and cold.

Shortly thereafter his cutting words, I returned to the U.S. and lived with my mother in Kansas. Often, I would write my friends (and colleagues) at ICS. Each day, ICS had a devotional period before school. People would offer prayer requests. So, I would ask for prayers. My headmaster wrote me one day and told me I could pray where I lived. He did this because his fundraising capability was being infringed upon by my MENTAL illness. But I didn't perceive this until much later. Rather, at the time, I perceived disgrace and I experienced amazing amounts of mental anguish. I began to hate myself but I hung on to Jesus with all my might.

My mom would constantly say, "Let go and let God." I didn't know how to make sense of any of it. What was I supposed to let go of? I had no idea.

[Continued]


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)