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Adam's Dilemmas

Updated on February 9, 2011
"Aardvark? People will think I'm Scandanavian with a name like that."
"Aardvark? People will think I'm Scandanavian with a name like that."

A tale of Biblical confusion.

And so it came to pass that while Eve was busy at the hair-salon, Adam set about the task of naming all of the creatures of the earth.

He saw this rather oddly shaped beast and declared, "I'm gonna call you an Aardvark!"
"Aw, give me a break," said the Aardvark, "What kinda dumb name is that? People are gonna think I'm Scandinavian with a name like that! Can't I be a Gumfallow or a Fabulom?"
But Adam was adam-ant. "Nope! You're an Aardvark from this day forth."

"Ah come on," pleaded the Aardvark, "That guy over there looks more like an Aardvark than me." He pointed at a Penguin.
"Nope. He's a Yorkshire Bull-terrier," said Adam, "At least he will be when Yorkshire becomes established as a county in the Kingdom that shall become known as Britain."
"Actually, I kinda like the name Penguin." said the Yorkshire Bull-terrier.
"Really?" smiled Adam, "OK then, you can be a Penguin instead."
"Hey, just a God damn minute!” protested the Aardvark. “How come he gets to change his name and I don't?"
Adam frowned. “For taking the name of the Lord thy God in vain, buster, you’ve just earned yourself a virtually unpronounceable biological name. Henceforth, scientists and biologists shall refer to you as Orycteropus afer.

“Aw, give me a break!” the creature was unimpressed. "Oh stop being such a sissy!" Adam chided him. "Think positively. As an Aardvark, you will be the very first animal in the Alphabetical Encyclopedia."
"What the hell is an Encyclopedia?" asked the Aardvark.
"Oh....it's just a name I invented for a book that lists everything in the world."
"What the hell is a book?" the Aardvark persisted.
"You ask too many questions." Adam was getting grumpy.
"Well I want to be an Encyclopedia, instead of an Aardvark. You can call the .....what did you say...book? You can call the book an Aardvark, and call me an Encyclopedia." the Aardvark suggested.
"You're a bloody Aardvark!" Adam bellowed, "Now just fly over and perch on that tree with all the other Aardvarks!"
"Suit yourself!" the Aardvark sulked, "But those aren't Aardvarks, they're Rabbits!"

At that moment, an odd creature with skinny legs and a thick, woolly coat happened to amble by. Adam looked at it with curiosity. “You, my friend, I shall call a Wolf!”

And so it was that Adam, in his naivety, created the very first Wolf in sheep’s clothing!

God....it must have been confusing being Adam! :)

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