Am I A Spiritual Being?
Listen as you read
Searching for something
Does it seams like something is missing in your life? I thought so. For so long I felt detached and separated from everything else,that even my skin felt alien to me. When your own thoughts are faster than your ability to process information. When everyday is the same dress rehearsal, but still the curtain remains down. This was my life? Is it now?
The people around me follow this invisible path, this pull of their bodies to repeat exactly what they did the day before. How we can repeat a song in our mind and never really listen to the dancing notes in the background. Lost in translation, we separate ourselves from everything else and become an island, surrounded by thick walls. Where the only door opens from the inside, like an emergency exit. Which we dare not open.
We crave heaven on earth, yet we are so easily seduced by the fire of our passions. We want peace, yet the animal in us demands that we keep fighting to be acknowledged and heard. Obsessed with stopping time, just to keep moving forward.
Obsessed with a past that we can not change, and hoping for a future filled with miracles and certainty. Our backs braking under weight of our past. What if? What If we?
Guilt. Precious companion of ages. Ever present, ever faithful. That toxic friend that we insist to drag everywhere we go.
Regret. Ah, the bittersweet secret lover that we keep in the darkness. And visit so often, when the occasion arises for a good cry.
Wounds. Those scars on the face of your soul, that rise as dried rivers where everything around them dies. Including yourself. Becoming a barren garden, where the corpses of flowers remind you that, once, there was life there. Your life. Planting silk flowers next to the dead stems, so no one notices.
Ghost of love. My precious companions! The faces and voices of those that went away. Refusing to rest in our memories, ever present in our dreams. An absent melody in the air, an absent reminder of our frail heart. The constant craving of the forbidden fruit, even if it sleeps by your side every night.
As mortal beings seeking salvation in our prayers and empty cathedrals, we strip our soul to the highest bidder. Just for a glimpse of heaven. Too afraid to be alone with ourselves, digging into the chambers of our hearts. What will we find hiding in the mists of our soul? The truth? More lies? The vision of our own paradise with unknown colors and the release of our fears.
We look up at the heavens as if waiting to be rescued from monsters in a fairy tale, when our biggest fear is ourselves.
We want to believe. That hunger for belonging, the ever present need for salvation drives us to seek and pursue the light. Even if surrounded by darkness and despair, we want to be saved. To know this, gives us hope. The ultimate religious experience is to find a connection to the divine even if it is on our dead bed, just once to feel whole.
Even if we are too proud to admit it...
Something perfect for me
Am I Spiritual? I can't answer in good consciousnesses. I am such a flawed being that it will probably take the rest of my life to figure this one out. Do I believe in something bigger than myself? I have to, is embeded in my soul and I can't change that. And I don't want to.
I am the wanderer, with a very heavy load on my back. A leaf that will never become part of the ground until the wind let go of me. I am not following signs or chasing the Holy Grail; perhaps if I just sit still, in the silence, I can finally see that what I was looking for all along was next to me guiding my hand...