Am I a telling witness against myself?
The Journey Begins
Who am I? Looking at the mirror I have asked this question to myself, got strange feelings every time. For a while felt that I am unknown to myself. Sometimes I thought who this guy might be? At times I found myself up against a ‘me’ within and sometimes favoring him. It appears that I am quite well aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I can convince others with my knowledge or gimmicks can make people cry, laugh and even fool them with my words and moves, but when it comes to me the world is entirely different, I know who am I within?
At times it happens, we are up against ourselves. We do a thing, right or wrong, the inner self argues with us, provides a solace for the right if not we are left with a feeling of exasperation. Life seems to be a constant war within in which we seem to be playing the role of a telling witness against our own selves. I would like to take you on an illustrative voyage of war between me and myself, it passes through mirrors, every one, with a little glimpse towards his inner-self can see a self-image outside on a mirror. It’s left to one’s own conscience to see and decide in how many of the mirrors a self-image appears?
The Mirrors - 1
I know myself – Yes I know pretty well who am I? My knowledge and my talents are enough to show me the door of opportunities and take me to the height of success. I have spent years together with the same mental state. Sometimes got exactly what I intended for, sometimes failure knocked me down. That too never realized the reality, days passed by, whenever my assessment towards my health, family matters or my business dealings proved wrong, I ask a question to myself, really I know myself?
My resources benefit me – The resources that I have, my wealth, my belongings, my sources of income, these blessings puffed me up, and I am on cloud nine, and thoughts of getting benefited from occupy the mind. Every day begins and ends with utilization of the wherewithal. When I failed to pass the day the way I want, when my wealth doesn’t help me to sleep or have a cup of tea with complete relaxation, when my resources fall short of providing cure to my parents, this is when my heart asks me do I have all that I want? Do they really suffice me? Am I contented enough not to rely solely on these means?
Overloaded with trails & hardships – When I look at myself and ponder over the happenings, I feel that I am into severe tests and overloaded with hardships. I have problems with my wife and children, day in and day out, feuds over petty things do happen. Business is at loss. My boss doesn’t appreciate my work, constantly he reminds me of those errors committed owing to absence of mind. I find health is not that good, have lots of problems with my daily routine. Any plan be it personal or official doesn’t work. Why this all to me? Am I that bad? Negative thoughts start pouring in.
But when I start looking on either side, an entirely different scenario refreshes my mind. When I look at the fate of deserted people, when a handicapped person passes by me, when I meet my ailing friend, when I see the sufferings of others, when I see people are unable to fulfill their basic needs, when I see a blind, when I see a mentally challenged one, I find myself much better. At times my heart provides comfort to me and whispers – The tests are not hurdles but they teach you how to move ahead. The hardships are not a whirlpool to destabilize your ship on the ocean of life; rather they are the blustery weather for smooth sailing.
The Mirrors - 2
Health and vigor will remain – My age has grown up to its later stage, reminds me of youthful days. Ah! What a pleasant past that was. When I remind myself of those days, the heart rejuvenates. I simply loss myself in the wonderful past. When suddenly a ring bells or someone awake me I find myself in the real world, never thought of a day that would put me on others mercy.
Now I am on my bed, need someone’s help to take the glass of water placed nearby. My health is not in my control, I need frequent medication at different times of the day and night, I used to look desperately for help. Sometimes happens the way I expect and sometimes not. Lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, I start asking to myself, was your past that good to hope for a promising future? What have you done for yourself? Which deeds of yours are lending help now? Have you nourished your children well enough to be obedient to you at this ailing stage? Now, what can you do for those whom you have hurt and snatched their rights? How do you analyze your past? What if death hugs you and takes you away from everything?
Am I responsible for my deeds? - I am a workaholic, busy in some or the other activities, most of the time good and sometimes wrong things do happen. Ok fine, to err is human. But when I see the consequences of some of my bad deeds I really get surprised, and a question appears before me with bold letters saying “Am I responsible for every deed? For a delay in accomplishment of task, I get fined; a minor mistake compels me to pay penalty. Sometimes a wrong deed put me into hardship for days, why it is so, am I pledged for my deeds, a whispering thought confirms my anxiety.
Command over self – I am a self-confident man. I can challenge anything that comes my way. I am prudent enough to take things to their lighter side. Many accomplishments testify my claim. But over the period of time the confidence level seems fading. At times, when things don’t work, when criticism overlaps appreciation, when things fall short of the expectations I just realized the depth and perpetuity of my confidence. Being confident before an act is quite different from remaining confident while performing that act. Assertion of confidence level to be high during triumphant-stage is different from retaining the confidence level even in toughest situations.
For whom am I good? – I am very loyal to my boss. Work sincerely day and night. Never compromise with indecent proposals. I am absolutely non-corrupt and want to be harmonious with my nature. But I find myself helpless and succumb to the outside pressure that compels me to diverge from my own ideals. Orders start pouring in from the top to allure the customers by hook or crook. Credibility seems diminishing. Though it’s a common practice for an improvident person but for the one who wants to win the battle with self, it is a testing times. The inside ‘me’ pose just a single query, for whose sake you are good?
Are You Good Enough...?
Have you ever compromise:
The Mirrors - 3
I thought its eyes that see - For your eyes only, seems to be exclusively meant for me. Everything exist here invites attention of my eyes. The beautiful universe, the stars and galaxies, the world and its beauty everything meant for my eyes. I see, enjoy and realize. But sometimes it seems even eyes can’t see, something else is required to observe. Occasionally it happens that I see my friend sitting in front of me, we are in deep conversation, and suddenly he asks me where am I looking? My friend reminds me of seeing me at a particular place but I am unaware of anything of that sort? I realize the seeing must be with realization, else nothing is like seeing.
There is absolutely no lesson for a person who just sees a deaf man, seeing is when his heart receives admonition. My heart reminds me that before Newton people have seen apple falling from tree, but the credit goes to the genius, he saw, reflected and formulated scientific laws. I realize the actual blindness is the blindness of heart. If my eyes are just for vision not for lesson then what difference remains between me and a blind person? A ‘me’ within silently asks me.
The time passes off swiftly - One fine morning I am at my desktop, engaged in an assignment. It demands arduous work, so I am seriously engaged. Suddenly my concentration gets weaken because of an outside interruption. Sometimes a message from a friend or sometimes a call. Sometimes a colleague offers to accompany him for a cup of tea. If the interruption succeeds in getting my attention, it is as if I have lost my war with my own self and not disciplined enough to offer a tough fight. The time won and I lost. Thus, the time passes off swiftly. I remind myself as to how many such instances might have swallowed my precious time? Am I alert enough to hold strongly on the strings of time to mold it the way I want
The soul accuses – I have witnesses a battle within. I feel there is another ‘me’ inside. He appreciates when I am good and scolds me and creates confusion whenever I am wrong to myself, or plot a game against others. Be it small or big initiative the ‘inside me’ is ever ready to take on me. He absolutely doesn't appreciate me being a deceiver, liar, rogue; even an occasional insincere attitude causes uneasiness. Who resides within me? Is it heart that tells me what is right, what is wrong?
Am I a telling witness against myself?
It seems I am a telling witness against myself, I don’t need any advocate or judge to dispense the verdict against me, I know what I am? The different shades of reality seem to be my very nature I am born with. I can see rays of hope on the horizon, they openly communicates:
- Don’t forget your inner-self communicates with you, continuously and untiringly. Lend your ears to take a heed and heart for a timely initiative.
- Be what you are to your own self. Let your personality be a contrast of an iceberg, be a peak of the mountain of character.
- The duality of personality will never help build a persona of excellent characters and a society adorned with ideal values. For a country to be great, its citizen must have great characters, without which progress can hardly be consistent and constructive.
(C) 2014 - Muhammad Abdullah Javed (m abdullah javed)