Baptist Babble - Part Two.
A follow on from the tale of Little Red Riding Hood.
This is another Fairy-tale, as told from the perspective of an Alabama Baptist, who does not want his grand children growing up with any false notions about their futures. With the Rapture just around the corner, and a world filled with God-hating heathens, the good Baptist sees it as his task, nay, his mission, to speak the TRUTH, no matter haow painful it may be, for at the end of the day, a little honest pain now, is considerably better than an Eternity of pain and anguish, burning in the fiery bowels of Hell, eating your own flesh and living in the shadow of Satan!
If you've never considered becoming a Baptist, you should perhaps consider how significantly your chances of going to Heaven will increase by making such a move!! According to the Alabama Baptist... Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans, Agnostics, Atheists and 'false' Baptists will all be going straight to Hell on a one way ticket. Religious tolerance is for wasters.... much better to be intolerant and be saved!
Anyway, if you're sitting comfortably, children, we shall begin! (You won't be sitting comfortably by the time we finish!)
Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs
Once upon a time there was a beautiful Princess called Snow White. She was called this because she was a baptist, and therefore devoid of sin....at the start anyway.
There was also a vain old witch, who was also a wicked queen, who hated Snow White because she was so good looking and pure. When I say she was a queen, I do of course mean that she was of Royal blood, as opposed to the modern 'Queen', a label given to disfunctional and Satan-inspired homosexual men..... although she may possibly have been one of these dressed as a transvestite, such was the level of her wickedness.
Anyway, she hated Snow White so much that she tempted her with a rotten apple....note the Biblical comparison. Well, wouldn't you know it. Snow White fell for the same old trick as Eve had done and ate the apple.... and WHY? Because she didn't read the Bible often enough, or she would have had the TRUTH. So what happens to her from this point onwards doesn't really matter much as she has become a child of Satan, but as i've started the story, I'll tell you the rest anyway.
As a pre-emptive step in selling her soul to the devil, Snow White walked herself straight into trouble. When she was banished from the wicked witches kingdom, she shacked up with 7 dwarfs in a forest.... now I ask you!!! Seven freaks of nature, most likely deformed because of the sins of their fathers, all living together in a forest? What kind of an idiot would venture near? But stupid Snow White did!! Apart from the fact that their appearance was anything but God-like, the liklihood was that they were a perverted bunch of old queers, who lived in the forest to escape too much attention. Be warned, children, that sinners often choose to live their lives in the shadows!
Anyway, she wilfully shacked up with these abominations, and made friends with all the animals in the forest! (Again, a bit freaky and pagan, if you ask me. I won't even go down the sordid road of hinting at beastiality, but the signs are there!)
Anyway, as I mentioned, one day the evil queen finds her and tricks her into eating the rotten apple, and Snow White fell into a dead sleep.... the dwarfs were distraught (probably fearing there would be no more gang-bangs) and they thought about taking her to a faith healer, but couldn't afford it. (We all know that those Pagan quacks are childen of the Devil anyway!)
Next thing you know, along came this handsome Prince who just happened to be out in the woods all on his own. We know he was a good Prince because as he walked, he was reading aloud passages from his handy pocket sized Bible. Besides, he was a Baptist, and his shield bore the crest 'God is my saviour'. Eventually, he happened upon the tomb of the fallen Snow White, (who, strictly speaking, should now be referred to as Snow-rather-tainted!)
With nothing more than a kiss, (for he was a noble Baptist and not prone to temptation or immorality) he wakened her from her sleep, and she related to him her terrible story.
"What a mistake I have made!" screamed the Prince. "Burn in hell, bitch, for you have been possessed by the devil!", and with a stroke of his sword of justice, he smote her and killed her. Then, still filled with righteous indignation, he went to the cottage and decapitated the 7 dirty little perverts who had been making her happy, grumpy, sneezy, etc.....
And the Prince lived happily ever after...until the rapture!