Bible Funnies and Jokes
God invented humor.
I think that God invented humor and wanted us to laugh and laugh often. There are scriptures warning against coarse joking containing harmful or hurtful ideas or vulgar language or sinful ideas or, as I understand it, humor that offends, hurts feelings, or pokes fun of a people, or their beliefs. I think the rule of thumb should be if the joke isn’t funny to everyone, it isn’t funny. If you are laughing at someone instead of with them, it’s not funny.
Laughter is good medicine.
- Who was the shortest man in the Bible?
Some think it may have been Nehemiah (Knee- High –miah).
But it was really Bildad the Shuhite (Shoe-height)… now that’s short.
- Why was the minister afraid to fly?
Because of the promise in Matthew 28:20.
“Lo, I am with you always.”
- Reason for humor
“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
- Other than Adam, what man was without an earthly father?
Had to be Joshua, the son of Nun.
- Who was the first female financial wizard in the Bible?
She went down to the river and pulled out a little prophet.
- What was the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
- What was the first tennis match recorded in the Bible?
In II Samuel, David served in the courts of Saul.
But before that Joseph served in the courts of Pharaoh.
- What was the first ride in a vehicle recorded in the Bible?
Adam and Even were driven by God out of the Garden. Varoom, Varoom!
- Who were the first people recorded in the New Testament to have a car?
The First Christians. It says they were all in one Accord. Crowded.
- Who drove the first motocycle, recorded in the Bible in Israel?
David. His Triumph was heard throughout the land.
- Why did the preacher believe God wanted him to have a jet?
Because the Bible tells him in Isaiah 58:14.
“Delight thyself in the Lord and He will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth.”
Two Comics Walk Into A Church
I love to laugh
A man went to his pastor for advice.
“I just don’t know what to do,” the man said. “I have more bills than I can pay. My business is going under and we owe everyone. I’ve tried everything: consolidating bills, laying off employees, tax breaks, everything. I just can’t think what to do next.”
The pastor thinks for a minutes and says, “Well, when I have a difficult problem, I get away with just me and my Bible. I go to the mountains or the beach, away from any people. Then with my Bible in my lap, I ask God for an answer and stand the Bible up on it’s spine. When I let go and the book falls open, the first place my eyes fall is the answer from God.”
“Well,” the man answered, “I’ve tried everything else. I guess I’ll do that and let you know what happens.”
About three weeks later the man entered the church with his whole family. He looked very happy and the pastor couldn’t wait to ask him what happened. After the service the man told him, “I did just like you said pastor. I got away to the beach, put the Bible up on the spine and prayed for guidance. When the Bible fell open, there was my answer.”
“What did it say,” the pastor asked anxiously.
- The Other Woman
Adam and Eve were living in the beautiful garden and Adam when out every day. He began coming home later and later, which made Eve suspicious. She asked what he was doing but he said nothing. So to alleviate her suspicions, she waited till he was asleep one night. Slowly and quietly she stepped up to him and gently lifted his blanket… and counted his ribs to be sure there wasn’t another woman.
- Stump people
You can bet and win any amount of money that Delilah did not cut Samson’s hair. Most people forget that Delilah directed her servant to cut his hair.
- What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
- Who was the first financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
- Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Even back then men just wouldn’t stop and ask directions!
Do you like Bible humor?
- One of my favorite scriptures is where Elijah makes fun of the prophets of Baal who are trying to get their god to rain fire down on their offering. He basically tells them that their god has gone aside to the bathroom, taken a trip, or is napping.
“At noon Elijah mocked them, saying, Cry aloud, for he is a god; either he has gone aside, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.”
I Kings 18:27
- What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.
- In what season did Eve eat the forbidden fruit?
It had to be in the Fall.
- How do we know Abraham was smart?
He knew a Lot!
- Was Noah the first one out of the Ark after the flood?
No. Noah went forth out of the Ark.
- What did the Bible authors use to keep their breath fresh?
- The two little boys go to their bedroom and prepare for bed. The youngest one kneels down at the side of the bed and begins to pray.
“Oh God,” he yells at the top of his voice, “I pray you would bless my mommy and daddy and my grandma in the next room. I pray you would give me a new bike.”
His brother says, “Why are you yelling? God is not deaf.”
“Oh I know,” the boy answers his brother, “but grandma is.”
- Borrow the car
A young man approached his father and asked to borrow his car. The said if the young man would bring his grades up, read his Bible every day, and cut his hair then he could borrow the car. A month later the young man comes back to his father to ask about the car.
The father said, “Well, son, I see you brought your grades up, and have been reading your Bible every day. But you still haven’t cut your hair.”
“Well, dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Moses had long hair, Abraham had long hair, even Jesus had long hair.”
“Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went.”
I love to laugh.
I love to laugh. I know it does me good, and I love knowing God invented it for my good. There is nothing more satisfying than to find quirky and interesting things in the Bible that make me laugh. I bet they made God laugh too.