The horn honks and I am jolted back to reality; how long had the light been green? The Mitsubishi Eclipse races past with the driver screaming and pointing his finger at me. I am nervous and pull into the grocery store. As I walk to the cashier with the 1/2 gallon of milk, bag of coffee and the loaf of bread a rather large woman barges in the line in front of me without even an "excuse me" nor a smile. Leaving the parking lot no cars will let me onto the roadway. Every face looks as if their dog just died and the world was ending.
The phone rings; "Dad", the crying voice says, "I feel like killing myself." "Everything is going wrong." I tell her it will be ok; I will help all I can. As the call ends I hear those words I long to hear: I love you Dad!
I hear the honking. I look up and the light is green; I did it again. The F-150 passes me with a middle finger being held out the passenger window and all of a sudden a plastic coke cup hits my windshield.
So much love in the world today-I smile.
Ten + years ago, if all the above would happen, I would be cussing and screaming. So why not now?
Because I live in calm chaos.
My life has always had chaos. Coming from a divorced family, I really had no Father figure for many years. I lived, breathed and created chaos. It started with stealing and moved to cigarettes, sex and drugs.
I made my way to prison at the tender age of eighteen. I was married and had one child on the way. In prison, chaos was my friend. I fought and kept up with the drugs there too. I learned a little about calm chaos in prison, but I really didn't grasp it. Back to the outside world I went to create two more children and keep the reckless chaos going.
As I dealt and did drugs, I felt death knocking at my door. I believe I thought that by dying, chaos would cease so I kept going. Then it happened.
We sat in the Chevy Malibu behind the grain-bin in rural Nebraska. The mixture of methamphetamine and heroin gazed at me. I felt as if I could do anything and I was all-powerful. Nothing or no one could stop me. As I got prepared to do the blast, Jeannie asked me if I killed him. I said "no, he killed himself". "The cops are wanting to question you" she exclaimed from the backseat. Tom, who was driving looked at me with that look of disbelief. He actually thought I had murdered him. I did the dope. Everything spun and my bowels collapsed. The sun was setting and I looked into the sky and saw the upside down cross formed by the clouds. I looked back at Jeannie and saw the red horns sticking out from the skull of her head and I just knew I was dead.
I awoke to screaming and yelling and rolled out of the bunk to see the inside of a jail cell.
I went out for the meal and a guy who bought drugs from me told me all I did that day. I had attacked another drug dealer and I had fought a whole squad of police officers when they were trying to pick me up on a driving on suspension charge. The whole "murder" rumor was dispelled when it was ruled the guy I had problems with had just overdosed on meth/heroin himself.
"Boudonck, you have a visitor!" the guard yelled.
The Day of Calm
Pastor Nate came in the room. "Are you ready to give it up Greg?" he asked. The tears flowed down my face and before we parted that day I had given my heart to Jesus Christ.
I have had chaos after chaos since that day, but I feel a calmness like I never did before.
Jesus has shown me how to deal with that chaos. I am not perfect but Jesus is and through reading the Bible, praying and fasting He is making me perfect in Him.
Chaos will never stop on this world until our Lord comes back, but the way we handle that chaos matters. I now choose to have calm chaos and that only comes through Jesus.
Why This Hub?
Why do I write this hub today? This little voice deep inside me is telling me there is someone who needs to hear it.
I praise God there have been others who have listened to that voice like Pastor Nathan Ennis and Pastor Joe Wilson who have been strong inspirations for me.
I pray that people everywhere realize the death, destruction and chaos drugs can cause.
Jesus is the way out and the way to have calmness in all this chaos. Cry out for Him today, He is listening!
May God keep and bless you and if you would like I have put the link and RSS feed to my blog- Wordly Not Worldly below. I try to do a daily study, so bookmark it and visit often.
© G.L. Boudonck