- Religion and Philosophy
Clean Christian Jokes
All I Need To Know I Learned From Noah And The Ark
1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Try to remember that we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark, you know.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Two heads are better than one.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, try floating awhile.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; it was the Titanic that was built by professionals.
12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside.
13. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There'll be a rainbow at the end of the storm.
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
You Must Believe!
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
God will save me!!
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A kindergarden teacher was supervising her class as they were drawing pictures. She wandered about the room, looking at the pictures they were drawing and complimenting them. All the kids would look up at her and smile, eager to show their artwork. She came across one little girl who didn't look up, but instead kept coloring busily. "What are you drawing?" asked the teacher. "I'm drawing God," answered the little girl, still not looking up. "But, no one knows what God looks like." "They will in a sec."
-How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
--Unique Up On It.
-How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
-How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
--They Take The Psycho Path
-What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
-What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
-What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
-What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
-What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
-What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
-What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
--A Nervous Wreck.
-What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
--Anyone Can Roast Beef.
-Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
--Right Where You Left Him.
-Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
--Because They Have Big Fingers .
-Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
--Because It Scares The Dog.
-What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
--The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
-How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
--Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said.....
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
Behold, I Come Quickly
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
God is Watching
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
What God Looks Like
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."
Out Of Gas
A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow
a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would
care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After
looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she
was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and
carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other
and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Absolutely hilarious! 'Cletus take the reel'
Everyone needs to laugh! :)
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I
ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what
that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Bring What You Can Carry
Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him.
Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars.
Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."
St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q.. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David - He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
...Faith, Hope & Love -- but the greatest of these is LOVE.
Q. How Do You Get Holy Water?
A. You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
Acting Up In Church
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
The Children of Israel
Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans,
an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"
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There once was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi fishing in a boat together.
One day, the priest said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and took a drink from a booth on the beach.
The next day, the minister said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and also took a drink from a booth on the beach.
On the third day, the rabbi said, "I'm thirsty". But as soon as he stepped out of the boat, he drowned.
The minister looked at the priest and said, "Think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?"
Look close at the picture, "It's a picture in a picture!"
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Kelly Sisney is a very funny and talented Clean Christian Comedian and Speaker!
It's in the Bible
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state,
the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package.
"Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
What does BIBLE stand for?
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what
the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I know what it stands for!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A small boy's prayer:
"Dear God, I hope you take care of yourself. 'Cause if anything happens to you, we would all be in a terrible mess."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
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The Pastor's Wife
On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."
Her husband (the Pastor) looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"
"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."
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