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Condemnation Kills but Grace Restores
Condemnation vs. Grace
I believe if Judas did not hang himself, Jesus would be looking for Him. Why?
At the time when Jesus washed His disciples' feet, He said, "UNLESS I HAVE WASHED YOU, YOU WILL NOT BECOME A PART OF ME."
This is also the reason why He appeared first to the disciples after His Resurrection... Not to the women who came early at the tomb. Not even to the bystander who helped Him carry the cross. Or even to His earthly family who had lived with Him for years.
This is the same reason why He came back for Peter even after the latter denied Him three times. Because somewhere before the Cross at the last supper, Jesus proclaimed Peter as a part of Him when he washed his feet...and of others. As if when Jesus resurrected, He was looking for those parts of Him. As if He was conveying, "I am looking for a part of Me.... for My Body.... for those people whom I have washed... whom I have cleansed... whom I have bought with My very own blood as a ransom for all."
I believe if Judas did not feel condemned, Jesus would have come back for Him. Before Judas' betrayal, at the last supper, Jesus called him a friend, take note a "friend" not a foe--- dipping the bread and giving it to Judas (a Jewish tradition conveying that one must repent after he has done something against God). Jesus gave him a reminder about repentance! But instead of repenting (changing the way of his thinking), Judas felt unworthy and ended his life, allowing self-condemnation to overcome him.
Judas is a picture of a person who is self-condemned, leading himself to his own destruction. On the other hand, Peter is a picture of a person who, despite committing three strikes in a row (denying Jesus thrice), still welcomes the grace of God that leads to his restoration.
If you feel like you are being drawn by God towards Himself, it is because you are a part of Him. The moment you have welcomed Him--- believing in Him and allowing Him to wash you with His unconditional love--- is the moment you become a part of Him. He is searching for you because you are a part of Him. He is longing for you because you are a part of Him. It is not because you are good, pleasing to the eyes, or classy that He sets His eyes upon you. He is not even after your betrayal or denial or anything you can think of. He is after you for you are a part of Him. And He simply loves you. Unconditionally. Without buts or ifs.