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"Confucius Say..." Jokes

Updated on August 13, 2008


Confucius Say...

What is a "Confucius Say..." Joke? Where did these silly little one-liners arise, and what, if anything at all, do they have to do with Confucius?

A Brief History

Confucius was a famous Chinese social philosopher from the Zhou Dynasty (551-479 BC). For many centuries he has been considered the "Great Master" and originator of many traditional themes in Chinese (and Asian) philosophy and beliefs. His influence has greatly shaped the progress and history of Chinese culture, as well as many other Asian societies. His teachings encompassed a variety of subjects, from morality and ethics to social relationships, politics, justice, and sincerity.

A fair amount of mystery surrounds his life and works. Most of today's accounts are in the form of stories, lessons, and information passed down by word of mouth for thousands of years. Nobody can truly say what his exact words were, but his impact on Chinese society, and philosophy in general, have been stupendous to say the least.

He is not known to have written any formal work of literature regarding his teachings. Fortunately, his direct disciples and followers carried on his thoughts and philosophy for centuries after his death, giving rise to several literary works. The most well known of these texts was "The Analects of Confucius," a compendium of fragmented sayings, fables, lessons, and brief ideals, a basis for the religious following known as Confucianism.

What is a "Confucius Say..." Joke?

Okay, great, so Confucius was a really influential Chinese philosopher from a long, long time ago. What does this have to do with jokes?

Honestly, the "Confucius Say..." joke has practically nothing to do with the teachings of the man himself. Confucius' teachings, particularly accounts in "The Analects of Confucius", tended to be in the form of short, terse sayings, often no more than a sentence. These sayings would relate an every day practice to a "big picture", or often have multiple meanings and/or interpretations. A normal Confucius saying would be something like this:

Confucius say: "don't count your chickens until they've hatched."

The statement is about chickens, but the lesson could be applied to many other life situations. Many different small lessons like this make up the Analects.

The "Confucius Say..." Joke is basically a variation on this style of teaching, only replace the philosophy with comedy (often involving sex or poo) and you have yourself a great little joke that is easy to remember, and often quite funny.

Here are some common "Confucius Say..." jokes:

Confucius Say...

* Man standing on toilet is high on pot.

* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

* Man who run in front of car get tired.

* Man who run behind car get exhausted.

* Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

* Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

* Man who sit on tack get point!

* Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

* Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

* Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

* Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

* Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

* Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

* Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

* War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

* It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.


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    • profile image

      OQuinnski 4 years ago

      man who fly upside-down have crack up.

    • profile image

      Bobby 4 years ago

      Schitzaprenic man cannot tweet, he has too many characters

    • profile image

      archie 4 years ago

      Man who defecates on public weighbridge, do business on big scale

    • profile image

      steven morgan 5 years ago

      man who sits on upturned take gets point

    • profile image

      morgan 5 years ago

      squirell who climbs up womens leg not find nuts

    • profile image

      AustinBoy 5 years ago

      Lady golfer who get stung by bee on first hole have stance too wide.

    • profile image

      Doug 5 years ago

      Boy who go to church with dirty underpant sit in "pew" for hour : )

    • profile image

      ur mumma 5 years ago

      haha lol rofol ahahhahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • profile image

      Canon 5 years ago

      70 minus 1 equals dinner for two

    • profile image

      Anon 5 years ago

      Seven days on honeymoon makes one whole week

    • profile image

      K1uTCH 5 years ago

      man who sleep first loses

    • profile image

      cheese 5 years ago

      crowded elevator smell different to midget

    • profile image

      steph lol 5 years ago

      a boy meets a girl in park but the boy parks meat in girl

    • profile image

      lolsm 5 years ago

      i love these their soo funny xox... =]=]=]

    • profile image

      Bad Rash 5 years ago

      Confucius say; Man who tell Chuck Norris jokes either brave or have death wish.

    • profile image

      bumblingbaffoon28 5 years ago

      Only dead fish go with the flow.

    • profile image

      collin 6 years ago

      Foolish man climb tree to get cheery, wise man spreads limbs.

    • profile image

      Me 6 years ago

      Man who lets woman on top is screwing up!

    • profile image

      Travis Gilliland 8 years ago

      Man who goes to bed with bed with laxitive, wakes up in deep shit!

    • profile image

      chris 8 years ago

      man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

    • profile image

      Gold Bond 8 years ago

      Man who go to bed with itchy hiney, wake up with smelly fingers.

    • DJ Funktual profile image

      DJ Funktual 9 years ago from One Nation Under a Groove

      Great Hub on an interesting topic and i got a few laughs out of it.

      Man who go to bad with itchy hiney, wake up with smelly finger.

      That was 4th grade madness!