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Dr. Perfect Love: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Jesus Christ

Updated on January 28, 2016

The Conversion of St. Paul

Artist	 Giovanni Battista Gaulli (1639–1709)    Title	La Conversion de saint Paul wikidata:Q17582441 Date	between 1651 and 1700 Medium	oil on canvas Dimensions	Height: 41.5 cm (16.3 in). Width: 36.5 cm (14.4 in). Current location	 Musé
Artist Giovanni Battista Gaulli (1639–1709) Title La Conversion de saint Paul wikidata:Q17582441 Date between 1651 and 1700 Medium oil on canvas Dimensions Height: 41.5 cm (16.3 in). Width: 36.5 cm (14.4 in). Current location Musé | Source

God Broke My Computer. Yes. He Did.

You see that picture up there? That's St. Paul, and he's getting hit by a dazzling light on the way to Damascus.

That happened to me, and I never saw it coming. I wasn't coming off a revival meeting. I hadn't been deep in meditation. I wasn't even looking. I was just trying to get high and fuck my husband's brains out so we'd both be happy enough to stay married to each other. We'd been smoking synthetic marijuana (a horribly dangerous drug, and I will explain more later) and watching my favorite television shows for the month. We were stoned on this loathsome stuff for the umptininth night in a row when God, in His infinite mercy and grace, threw me a ridiculously sublime curveball.

He appeared to me out of nowhere, thundered in my brain that I was lazy and selfish, and declared that He was God.

My response? I did something right. I squealed with joy and threw Him a party in my head. Apparently, He loved it.

How did He prove that He loved it? He broke my computer.

Now, let me make one thing clear. The local weatherman would say that my computer got fried by a lightning bolt during the storm outside, but that lightning bolt didn't hit anybody's computers but mine and it didn't turn the lights out. He was talking to me. And what He was saying was, "Claire, crawl out of your miserable funk, look at your family and come back to me."

Jesus

Artist	 Heinrich Hofmann (1824–1911) Link back to Creator infobox template wikidata:Q467449 Description	 Representation of Jesus Christ, extracted from the painting "Christ And The Rich Young Ruler" by Hoffmann.
Artist Heinrich Hofmann (1824–1911) Link back to Creator infobox template wikidata:Q467449 Description Representation of Jesus Christ, extracted from the painting "Christ And The Rich Young Ruler" by Hoffmann. | Source

So, I've got an interview with Jesus, How did that go?

He seemed pretty pissed off at first. And He had reason to be. I will tell you why. I had foolishly left a full-time job that was making me absolutely miserable in favor of a part-time job that seemed much nicer on the surface. I wasn't getting any benefits anymore and there was no retirement system, but hey! At least I didn't feel like dog crap every time I walked into the office anymore. But I felt like a failure. My career was ruined. Twenty - two years, and now I am a part-timer? What was I to do?

I will tell you what I did. I got high and spent a lot of time on tumblr arguing about fictional characters. I must have been twenty years older than most of the people I talked to. Was I a leader there? Did I have followers? Well, yeah, sure.... because I was a professional over the age of fifty with all the skills that this level of expertise suggests. I was talking to young adults about their favorite television shows. My essays were better than average, and this was what I was using to keep from feeling like crap about myself. In the meantime, I was letting laundry pile, letting the dishes bask in filth, and letting my hopes about the future rot.

God told me to get off the computer and take care of my family.

Then, He broke it. Seriously. It took $135 to get it fixed. ZZZZZZAAAAAPPPPP!!!!!

The funny thing was, I wasn't even pissed. I was too excited by my interview with the Lord.

Blinded By His Sacrifice

Artist	 El Greco (1541–1614)  Title	 English: Christ Carrying the Cross Description	 detail Date	1580s Medium	oil on canvas Current location	 Metropolitan Museum of Art
Artist El Greco (1541–1614) Title English: Christ Carrying the Cross Description detail Date 1580s Medium oil on canvas Current location Metropolitan Museum of Art | Source

And then... the Conversation

You may have a hard time believing in the Conversation. It scared me at first. I ran from it for months, but it was always there. And this was it.

God began talking to me. Literally. Daily. He talked to me about what decisions I had coming. He talked to me about the failures that brought me to this point. He talked to me about how much He loved me.

And during this time:

  1. I gave up smoking cigarettes. Because He asked me to stop. And it was easy.
  2. I gave up smoking synthetic marijuana. Because He asked me to stop. And I liked talking to Him more than I liked being high. At first He appeared to me during my highs, but when He asked me to stop, I realized that He would haunt those highs with pleading reminders to change. So I did. I've been completely sober for seven months.
  3. I began trying to do at least one major household chore a day. Because my family needed me.
  4. I began evaluating my professional status, and what I was meant to do in the world.

It's constant. He speaks to me any time I allow myself to hear. And as the months have gone on, my desire to hear Him has become a longing as fierce as any hunger I have ever known. I began writing hubpages about Him because my longing for HIm demanded release and still does.

My New Lover

Description	 English: Christus Pantocrator in the apsis of the cathedral of Cefalù. Photographer: Photo by Andreas Wahra, edited by Entheta
Description English: Christus Pantocrator in the apsis of the cathedral of Cefalù. Photographer: Photo by Andreas Wahra, edited by Entheta | Source

My New Lover

See that guy above this text capsule? He's my new lover, the Lord Jesus Christ. And He's changed the definition of the word "lover". My loving husband, who has been trying to understand the changes in me with a supportive attitude, remains the object of my carnal desires. Jesus fills my soul. He makes me want to love other people more, to serve them with gladness and faithfulness. He makes me want to be a better person, a woman who works hard and prays with passion rather than a walking corpse with no future who was sitting around trying to keep her husband happy while patiently waiting to die. Exercise? No, I didn't need that. Yes, I will take that extra donut. Doctor visits? That's not helpful. I was trying to go the other direction.

God came to me in the night. Yes, it was a drug-induced vision. Why do I believe in it? Because I have been cold sober for seven months and He still speaks to me on a daily basis.

Jesus

Author	 Louis Finson (1580/1585–1617) Link back to Creator infobox template wikidata:Q2701472 Description	 French: La résurection du Christ Medium	painting Current location	l'église de Saint-Jean-de-Malte à Aix-en-Provence
Author Louis Finson (1580/1585–1617) Link back to Creator infobox template wikidata:Q2701472 Description French: La résurection du Christ Medium painting Current location l'église de Saint-Jean-de-Malte à Aix-en-Provence | Source

So What Do You Get Out of This?

So there you are, on Hubpages, wondering if this woman is really telling the truth. I tell you quite surely; this Hubpage was not created to make money. God asked me to declare my love for him on Hubpages, and now I have done so. I threw in some images because I am currently kind of obsessed with finding pictures of Christ, but give me a break. I am new at spiritual ecstacy and I am still finding my way around without ending up accidentally upside down in a baptism font.

All joking aside.

God is real.

He speaks to people as He sees fit.

He will change your life if you let Him do it.


Artist	 Gaudenzio Ferrari (1475–1546)  Title	Christ rising from the Tomb  Medium	oil on poplar wood Dimensions	Height: 152.4 cm (60 in). Width: 84.5 cm (33.3 in). Current location	 National Galler
Artist Gaudenzio Ferrari (1475–1546) Title Christ rising from the Tomb Medium oil on poplar wood Dimensions Height: 152.4 cm (60 in). Width: 84.5 cm (33.3 in). Current location National Galler | Source

One more word about synthetic marijuana.

Don't.

Just.... don't. We bought some in the erroneous idea that it would be similar to the natural stuff, but it's not. It's the Devil's weed. It made me so crazy I ran off the road during a vacation, and only the love of God kept it from driving me crazy.

And if you figure that I am a woman who experienced the love of God while smoking this terrible stuff, remember,,,'

God has asked me to witness to how dangerous it is.

He would rather you read my post than smoked this garbage.

I am OK taking a bullet for the cause. I will relay the message and bask in the love of the Lord.

God bless you all, and may you come to have your own Conversations.

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