Falling in Love with a Chaos Magician: A 3.5 Year Whirlwind Affair of the Heart and Soul: Part 2
The Lies. The Incessant Lies.
I must say that the first point is my love for Chris, the Chaos Magician. It opened every door for Chris to do his bidding. The second point is my ignorance of the Occult. The third point is that I failed to make a distinction between language usage.
As a charismatic Christian, I believed in dogma. I believed that I was to find a spiritual husband with whom I was equally yoked. When Chris swooped into my world, I was shell shocked. He was just so something! He could take my breath away. Nevertheless, I demanded that he give up magick (which I did not believe in) and he did (or so I thought).
I would say I hold God accountable for what happened next. I whole heartedly believed that God honors the faithful. He did not where Chris was concerned. Chris went through a dramatic display of renouncing his practice of magick in order to adopt Christianity. I believed in Chris' display and I submitted myself to him body, mind and soul.
I would learn many years later, this [i.e., God didn't rescue me from a lie] was my first major shift in paradigm and belief which is something chaos magicians are adept at...shifting beliefs.
In all fairness, Chris did tell me he could not promise not to lie. He said he kept other peoples' secrets. I was highly dismayed but after a long argument I said, "OK."
I never should have said, "OK."
In retrospect, it was his ability to lie with great skill that toppled my personal world in the end. Though, I still have no understanding as to why he chose me to topple. Language usage is paramount for someone like Chris. I don't know if all magicians of his caliber do this but he certainly knew how to manipulate through sentence structure and word usage. For instance, he was always impressing upon me to pay attention to what and how I said something---to what and how I thought something. He would say I crossed A line instead of THE line, etc. He was absolutely stringent about this.
I would learn later that this would enable me to pick up on subtle differences within my mind, environment or in other people; and it would allow me to decipher even more subtle synchronicities---right down to a word. It would take years of practicing this, but in the end I would notice words that created patterns.
Magick is often very subtle. One must be able to be aware of all that he/she is surrounded by. I first had an awareness of the fundamentals of magick when I began to study Carl Jung. I learned about synchronicities:
Jung encountered an experience in which he was treating a patient that had a dream of a golden scarab. The next day a golden scarab (something totally rare in that climate) hit Jung's window.
Magick is, also, about the inner world. Daily discipline to tap into the inner sanctum is crucial for a magickal practice.
Magick is a neutral medium. Negative or positive can be ascribed to it. Chris taught me the foundation for creating a magickal life. He did not teach me evil or good. He showed me how to write a sentence. He did not give me the words or format of the sentence.
I have to say that it was wild to realize that most of our relationship was false in terms of the stories he told me. But what remains is more profound than anything I have ever experienced or explored. Every day I wake up to an even more enhanced aspect of my previous lover. I learn new ways to apply the principles he taught me. I miss Chris more and more as the years pass by. It is uncanny.
Most people would be livid about the incessant story telling. I am fascinated by the shear genius of it. Yet, it is also painful and disconcerting and I hate that.
Chris took every major---and some minor---belief system of mine and he re-sculpted them. Oh, I gave him permission but I had no idea about what or why he was doing what he did. I trusted him implicitly.
As he set the ground floor for his magickal template, he began to teach me about himself---his personal experiences involving the Occult. At first I thought I was just allowing him to share parts of himself. That was his emotional argument to me. But years later, I would realize he was sharing not to share but to teach me all he knew. He was methodical and enthusiastic. And I learned. It was another adept skill of his. Was I mad about this? No, I was forlorn. I loved the man, the stories and the essence that accompanied everything we did together.
Chris did tell me I would lose him. I did. It is a weird realization to know that I now practice without him.