Falling in Love with a Chaos Magician: A 3.5 Year Whirlwind Affair of the Heart and Soul: Part 4
Helping me reconnect to God
When I returned "in shame" and disappointment from the Christian missionary field overseas in Hong Kong, I held to my Christian faith until I could no longer hold on. Chris and his agenda reintroduced my faith to me a few years later. It took years of plying me with his energy work, his cult-like brain washing, and his ever present devotion to my life. I was grateful to him where most people would hate him. You had to be in my unique position to feel such appreciation.
Chris' tactics were devastatingly hard. Nevertheless, great changes occurred in my life. Great changes are still occurring in my life due to Chris' body of work.
Chris systematically shifted my view of my binding faith in Christianity. He never stood in the way of the Christ. He always created efforts to stand between me and my lingering belief in Christianity. His first effort was to explain that my charismatic training was actually damaging me and making me sick. He showed me how charismatic prayer was causing my body and brain to sever internally thus putting me in harms way...in the direct path to Bipolar mania. He did not teach about chakras in the beginning, but I would learn much later that I was basically being lodged in my sixth and seventh chakras creating major energy issues for the remainder of my being and bodymind.
Chris then began his insurgence regarding the sameness of prayers and spells. This was a major point of contention between us. Now I understand the similarity. There is a subtle difference, but it is extremely subtle. History reveals that magick, religion, medicine and science were once one. Politicians and priests changed this.
I have a strong aspect of paganism in my makeup. I feel the roots to the earth and to the the cosmology of the universe. I feel the Divine Feminine in me and around me. My identity in Patriarchal religions is fleeting at best. But my belief in Christ is never separate from me. And I hurt regarding religion and the devastating role it has played in creating pain and suffering throughout the world. I took part in that pain making. This stirs my soul to an ever repentant position of learning and teaching what I have discovered and experienced since 2001.
The Bible became a horror for my heart and mind. It once provided steadfast balance and sustenance. But when I would read it after my return from the missionary field, I had too many scenarios where I felt my mind might break apart or race into a manic oblivion. Words baited me with terror.
Chris began introducing the strangeness of the Bible (e.g., the Nephlims). Then we would argue what I knew about the Bible. One day we went to Barnes and Noble to do some Hebrew Bible studies regarding Divination. A whole new understanding of life began to take place. Chris was an advanced Magician. I began to feel the reach of his knowledge, wisdom and power.
Then he joined a charismatic church in Canada and he began telling me about his manipulations. I was dismayed but by that time our relationship was deeply rooted. I just accepted him for all that I understood him to be. He was a force to be reckoned with. He would would show me the inequities within the church and how easy it was for him to sway the members of the church.
Eventually, he would begin introducing his knowledge of the Church and how Paganism was at the foundation of most of the major Christian festivals and holidays. It was utterly methodical and logical. I was primed for all of it. He was/is a master of destruction and reconstruction.
And yet, I felt God again after a long desert...after an unruly wilderness. Could I hate Chris and all he did when I could finally receive God, again? No, for me, my life was satisfied for the first time in years. My faith was no longer dry and empty.