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Falling in Love with a Chaos Magician: A 3.5 Year Whirlwind Affair of the Heart and Soul: Part 7

Updated on October 23, 2012

A Love Like No Other

Chris' connection to me was/is mystical and profound. He haunts me everyday. Before Chris exited the physical realm of my life he initiated me in magick. But, once, again, he didn't tell me what he was doing. I thought we were consummating a series of spiritual marriages we participated in throughout our three and a half year relationship. I thought this because from the very beginning, I wanted Chris to be something I incessantly prayed about as that charismatic Christian---a spiritual husband; one that could give me through his spiritual channel (his rainbow bridge, the chakra system) my own unique prayer language [in Christianity, the Gift of Tongues].

Chris did enable my unique prayer languages: The Gift of Sight and Knowing. The Gift of Healing. The Gift of Compassion and Giving. The Gift of Love.

Our fire was an awakening for me---more so than even those missionary days of Christianity. Yet, we had to part ways so that I could heal (and I thought so he could heal). My bodily container (temple) was damaged and weak. I thought his container was the same. Now I speculate that he created that idea for me. Most of the experiences I believed I had while he and I were a couple have clearly shifted and become something entirely different in nature.

Chris took the liberty to open the path of magick for me in a private ceremony in a hotel room in Virginia. Three years later he would confirm and initiate that path in another private ceremony. I spoke vows (that I can no longer recall) to spiritually and energetically "marry and integrate" my soul to Chris. The "hand fasting" lasted a year and a day according to Pagan tradition. The magickal order remains eight years later. Chris' spirit, also, touches my life almost daily as well. In other words, a part of Chris never left me; and if you believe in a holographic universe, he never left me.

Beyond the magick, Chris made so much sense to my being. He was my twin soul. He en-lived me through his spirit and his various "personalities." I was caught up in him. But our bodyminds were not ready for one another. We were both broken people---or so I thought. Our tremendous experience was tangible and creative. As a soul, I was waiting for his transformative Way. He caused me to feel so powerfully. My bodymind was overwhelmed again and again.

Many months after my initiation, I experienced an astral-based phenomena involving a figure like Chris. The figure came to me in the middle of the night and happened after I finished burning my first Reiki Astral candle. That was the last direct communication from this very unusual love of mine. I say direct because I have had many wild connections with Chris in the last eight years, but all via the magick. My most distinct connection was three years ago. I experienced six straight months of rigorous multidimensionality that came out of "nowhere".

I hope this hub series has been informative and fun. Magick continues to amaze and change me.

Love with a Chaos Magician

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