God Must Be A Woman
Let's just start this off by announcing that this is a humor piece. I'm not mocking any religions or beliefs. Please don't send me hate mail or pray for my soul. Me and God are already on good terms.
I believe God is a woman. Even if it's false, then God acts like a woman. Are you prepared for my explanation?
1 Like a woman God tells long boring stories. Ever read the bible? What can be said in one sentence takes pages to explain. Sometimes it's all confusing, just like when a woman talks to you. She'll go on and on before you really know what she is trying to say. There are times you're so tired from listening that you just can't ask a question. So, like reading the Bible, you just nod your head like you understand what's being said!
2 Like a woman God ruins your Sunday. Sunday is sports day for a man. Football is on Sunday. The Super Bowl is on Sunday. So God decides to schedule church for Sunday. The women in my family do the same thing.I don't know how many family events I go to every year on a Sunday. I know it's not the men scheduling these things. We are all hiding in another room watching the game. I realize that church is in the morning, but there is the pre game ritual to go through. A beer and snack run, warming up the remote control finger and of course all the pre game shows. That doesn't even take into account Fantasy Football!
3 Like a woman God wants money. Lucky for us it's only ten percent of our earnings. A woman wants it all. Ten percent isn't enough for her. At least God does good things with our money. Feeding the poor and providing shelter for the homeless. A women with our money also does good things, I guess. They keep the economy going. You might be unemployed, but she will make sure the store clerk keeps his job!
4 Like God a women must be worshiped. They must be placed on a pedestal. You must constantly kiss ass and tell them how great they are. In order to do number 4 you have to do numbers 1 thru 3. Put up with boring stories, give them money, and cancel all your Sunday activities.
5 Have you ever scorned a woman? Like God, a women will teach you a lesson. You might not get locusts and plague, but you will know what a living Hell is all about.
There are my five reasons that God must be a woman. Let me know if you agree or not.