God is making me a JEALOUS woman!
... It's all very understandable really. I can't stand that person, and they clearly don't like me. It was their dislike for me that made me weary of them in the first place...oh no- wait, no it wasn't- it was my envy of them. How could I have forgotten that? I had suffered loss and grief and they had what I had lost. I had seen them enjoying what I no longer had even before I had met them, and already I had hatred for them in my heart. Then I had met them and they were openly unkind to me,,,and I was wounded further. I couldn't believe it. This person had what had wrongfully been denied to me- and they had the gall to disdain me?!
It grew over months and I could see more and more of their distaste for me. I felt injured and degraded. The pain of loss was ever- present and their dislike for me seemed to show enjoyment of this. They looked so proud. So smug. What had I done to deserve this protracted suffering- and why the scoffers?- for there were a few.
Overtime I started to become aware of what they did. I kept seeing all the fun things they enjoyed and the impressive achievements they were making and I grew increasingly jealous. Jealousy burns like an all consuming fire I have learned. It is not satisfied until it has eaten away at it's host and left only ruin and insense. I became so bitter at how much of me the envy had come to possess. I felt like a host and a victim of the parasite I had invited into my soul and could no longer control. It had me. It had all of me. I raged further at the misfortune of being afflicted with this bitterness and jealousy. In hindsight I have became aware that jealousy does not want the object of it's attentions but the subject. It burns with a desire to consume the envier and not the envied. For jealousy you see, cannot hurt the one who is envied as it can only be turned inwards. It can only infest in and feed off of the bitterness of the beholder.
I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself. It got to the point where I didn't want to be with myself or in my own head! can you imagine?? So I set about praying for deliverance from my own jealousy. I began praying also for that persons well being and coming to know God. It was a long and slow process but I have seen fruits of my faith in God's goodness over the past few months. I am now an aquaintance of that person and we share a friend or two in common. Through various circumstances I have came to learn that person has faced some devastating struggles and hardships in life. My love and compassion for them is growing, but it is still never as great as I will it to be. And I am so thankful to God for that- for whoever didn't know the Spirit of God said "I will for greater love and compassion on this person who has hurt me"...?
Indeed, God's grace is good. God's ways are just. God's will is perfect. God's will be done!
When searching for relevant scriptures to encourage our hearts away from jealousy I got far more than I bargained from God. This is the first result I got back in Bible Gateway:
I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. 2 Cor. 11:2
God knows that wasn't what I had in mind. I clicked back to the main page- and then something wonderful happened to me. The eyes of my heart opened up and I was filled with love, compassion, hope and determination!
Yes our God is a jealous God! He has demanded all of our love and devotions for Himself. He does not want His creations to be Children of Wrath (Eph 2:3), but children of His kingdom and heirs to the throne in His precious only Son, Christ Jesus. So then, at the sweet moment of God's revelation it was placed on my heart a pressing need to approach boldly the front line of Spiritual Warfare and demand this lost child in the name of my King!
I am now fiercely jealous of the time I have lost to throw myself entirely into my God and immerse myself entirely in His untameable furnace of jealous love for me. I have an urgent greed for God's attention and fellowship with me. I am filled with righteous outrage to have missed it on so many occasions! I'm completely livid, I want to spit fire on anything or anyone who vies for my attention while I am in this place with my Lord, my God.
My search then turned up this:
And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. Eccles 4:4
Dear Father, you are only too right that I have been laboring so long to cover some unseen ground that I seem to have lost long ago. Did it ever exist...?This was so meaningless! The wind changes directions as it pleases- with no allegiance to any one way- how long was I running back and forward for Lord? I have been as foolish as a hamster in a cage chasing the end of the exorcise wheel!!
Heavenly Father, do unto me the will of Soloman you placed upon his heart in his Song of Songs (8:6):
Yes Lord, this is my prayer. That you will make me jealous only for you. That you alone will consume me with your Holy blazing fire. I plead with you all to say this prayer in your hearts too and give this blazing fire a home.
Consuming fire- a beautiful soul stiring devotianal song.
Verse 1: There must be more than this oh breath of God come breath within There must be more than this Spirit of God we wait for you Fill us anew we pray Fill us anew we pray Chorus: Consuming Fire Fan into flame a passion for your name Spirit of God fall in this place Lord have ur way Lord have ur way with us Verse 2: Come like a rushing wind Fill us with power from on high Now set the captives free leave us abandoned to your praise Lord let your glory fall Lord let your glory fall
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