God never fails...
The days when Swami got hospitalized were very tough times indeed. What started as a minor health ailment, became a major one and today it becomes so hard to hold back my tears thinking that the beautiful form has moved from the realms of the seen to the unseen. And when I say I am crying, I want to clarify so that am not misunderstood.
I need not write anything about what Swami means to us or what He has done for us. Each person has his/her own experience to speak for. This much I can say that even for a single moment, Swami has not lived for Himself but for all of us. He has loved completely even those who have tried to harm Him or tarnish Him. And His love has been of the Divine nature and anyone who has not had even an iota of a heart, has been overwhelmed.
God has a plan and thats all I need to know. That is all that is the basis of my Faith and Trust. That is all that is the reason for me to live. And so, even though feelings of sorrow and separation from Him envelop me, I tell myself that HE KNOWS BEST. And reaffirming my faith, I cheer up...........
But today, I cry because I realize how little I have imbibed of His teachings and how little am like Him. Those 'dark days', I was daily eager to get updates of His health and naturally so. The updates kept getting 'monotonous' and I was waiting for some positive change. I was wondering when Swami would will and come out of all that and lead a life the way I would love to see Him?
It is then that it hit me -
Was I ever so eager to know His teachings and follow them? How 'monotonous' it would have become for Swami to keep waiting for me to start living the life the way He wanted me to? How long has He waited for some positive change?
I remembered an episode that my friend Amey told me regarding his Upanayanam (sacred-thread) ceremony. When he was a boy of ten in 1989, Swami had promised his parents that He would do the Upanayanam for the boy. The whole extended family had arrived to Puttaparthi awaiting the interview in which Swami would conduct the ceremony. The D-Day arrived and passed by but Swami did not seem to call them for any interview. As days passed, the family members began to lose hope and, one-by-one, began to leave Puttaparthi for their respective home towns.
A week later, Swami walked down the aisle during darshan and seeing Amey's mother in the darshan lines told her to be ready for the ceremony in the evening. He exclaimed that He had been waiting for so long for that ceremony. In the evening, during the interview, when Swami said again that He had been waiting so long for the ceremony, Amey's mother replied,
"Swami! All family members had come here. They waited days for you and then left..."
Swami reply silenced them and hit then like a wall of bricks.
"You say you have waited for days! Do you have any idea how much I have waited for you?"
We count the number of days we wait for the Lord not thinking about the lifetimes He has waited for us!
And even today, I have the same thoughts and feelings. I say to myself that I have tried my best. From within, the answer is so straight,
"You have not".
"But I have done everything possible. I feel I love Swami so much and have done everything the way He wanted me to!!"
" If you have been the way Swami would have wanted you to, you would never feel a moment of separation from Him. You would never feel sorrow, for, Bliss is your nature and that is how Swami wants you to lead your life."
"So I have not become what am ought to........What should I do?"
"Forget the past (but not its memories and lessons), don't think about the future. Live in the present. Its Swami's gift and its the omnipresent."
Swami has come with a mission and as He has declared, it will never fail. How can such tremendously pure, Divine Love ever fail. I am convinced that we have no choice but to evolve. And if we refuse to, we will be forced to!!
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© 2011 Aravind Balasubramanya