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Healing From Child Abuse - The Pain
Part 2 of 5
© Copyright 2012 by Gloria Tanner
So here I was, I finally came out of denial mode, and now the pain came rushing in like a gigantic tidal wave. At the time of the abuse I somehow pushed the pain aside; it was the only way to survive. My avoidance tactic would be to tell myself, "It really isn't that bad." or "It's my fault, there must be something wrong with me."
All of this pain was so overwhelming, and it seemed so much easier to run away or shut down. I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with no light at the end, and I was frantically trying to find a way out.
There is something wrong with you
they always seemed to say.
And then when life didn't go so well
this is the tape that I would play.
I just can't do anything right,
no matter how hard I try.
Sometimes I even wonder:
Would it be better if I would die?
If I have to live, let it be in peace.
I want freedom from this pain.
I can't bear to feel it anymore.
It is driving me insane.
I could withdraw and live on the sidelines
hoping no-one would notice me there.
I could put my emotions in neutral,
and then whatever happens, I won't care.
If I was to make progress on this journey of healing then I had to break the next link of the chain that had been holding me captive: I had to embrace my pain.
Then the pain then gave way to anger....