Healing The Divine Feminine With Ibogaine
This little old soul was having a quarter life crisis. I had a void of unanswered questions in my heart and in my persuit to understand, turned to all kinds of unhealthy addictions to sex, food and alcohol.
The decision to undertake this journey with Ibogaine came as if the stars aligned - a story for another time perhaps. I had ended a two year situation-ship just a day after meeting the beautiful Dutch alchemist who would be the catalyst for change. Everything was hanging in the lurch, there was nothing to lose and I resonated strongly with everything I'd heard.
Only having three days to prepare after a diet of wine and chocolate to ease the heartache was not ideal. I'd be following a strict vegetarian diet, no coffee, no nothing as a crutch before facing myself. On the day I fasted for 10 hours, hoping that my body would be clean enough and embarked to the beautiful seaside apartment where an ominous blanket of fog had rolled in for the cool summer night. An unusual bitter taste in my mouth had been poignant for the last hour.
I'm welcomed lovingly into her apartment, littered with candles, rose quartz and incense and she preempts my inquisitive expression by letting me know that my eyes would be photo-sensitive during the trip. I tell her about the bitterness in my mouth and lucid dreams the past few days. Time had seemingly slowed and it felt like I was already in a parallel world. The plant, it seemed, had already begun it's magik before being ingested - she felt it too. The candle next to me crackled and popped loudly. We had goosebumps.
At 20:30 I enter my sacred space for the night and sip the first dose in the form of a little powder capsule. My alchemist would be checking in hourly and her soul would be working with mine to release and transform. I lay down on the soft bed under the covers with headphones to block out the noises from outside - mainly a massive flock of crows which I've always believed to be spiritual messengers.
I feel the plant begin it's work immediately - I smile, welcoming the gentle warmth building in my solar plexus for the next hour. My eyes are covered and a few flashes of light materialize sporadically - I've experimented with a host of psychedelics before but had no expectations. I wanted this journey to be evolving, authentic and true.
I'm sinking a little deeper into the bed as my limbs become heavy. Breathing has slowed to the point where I cannot hear my heart beating and it feels like it's a ping pong ball bouncing across my chest. I'm surrendering to currents of dizziness in isolated parts of my body as each chakra starts to open, spin and vibrate faster and faster.
As the dizziness reaches my stomach, my body breaks out in a sweat, energy vibrating even higher. It feels like my soul wants to leave my body as white hot pain ripples through my blood, making me extremely nauseous. I've become sensitive to the crowing of crows in the trees outside through my headphones. Spiritual messengers - I observe my fearfulness of death as my heart feels like it's going to explode if it beats any faster. 'The obstacle is the way,' I try to coax myself but I open my eyes, wild with panic, trying to control the new unpleasant effects of the plant.
The candle on the table directly ahead flickers calmly as if knowing, casting light below a framed portrait of Mary Magdalene. I bring myself back to love with deep breaths which sound segmented between the vibrations and remember that all else is an illusion. Ataxia has set in, making movement extremely awkward. I sit up slowly to mitigate the nauseousness and decide to go pee before ingesting the second dose.
I'm swooning. Every step down the short parquet corridor to the bathroom feels like I risk losing consciousness. My eyes strain against the light of a thousand burning suns which was a soft lit apartment earlier. Emptying my bladder is a struggle but I'm relieved. As I make my way back, past the mirror, I'm startled again by the sudden hiss, crackle and fireworks from a nearby candle - I could sense an ancestral energy dancing in the shadows, it didn't feel benevolent.
My vision is framed by four small vertical rainbow lines, refracting the distortion of light from my bucket sized pupils. I settle back into bed and bravely swallow the next dose of Ibogaine. My alchemist's Dutch accent is soothing as she touches my arm, points to my belly and says to trust what the plant is doing. 'As within, so without.'
Death of the Ego
Half an hour passes and the room is spinning uncontrollably again. This time, coupled with searing hot pain ripping through every atom of my body as the Ibogaine scrubs all the ugliness out of this vessel. It feels like I'm burning alive as an offering to the gods, while my rational brain offers that it might be an allergic reaction. Not helping. I finally surrender to five big belly heaves, squeezing it all out into the bucket. All I see is clear, bright red liquid, which would later be a different color.
I lay back into the pillows, exhausted, covering my eyes and ears. The pain and discomfort is completely gone. I'm buzzing with the euphoria of experiencing death and being re-born after the purge. My sense of smell is heightened as a familiar scent wafts into my olfactory glands. Is that varnish from my grandmother's house? I feel a hand holding mine and a shadow appears to my right. She's here with me and I've always worn my birth ring from her.
My eyes are shut but my third eye is open now, allowing me to see the room and flickering narratives, long forgotten from my psyche. I see myself looking at myself from a distance. Is that my higher self? I'm laughing at the insights and memories popping up faster than I'd be able to remember, accepting that some will be for release... And some will show me more detail.
I focus my intentions on a list of 23 questions and intentions that I wrote down in a journal in the morning. When did I stop loving myself? Patterns emerge for me to connect the dots from previous relationships, a truly profound ah-ha. Karmic lessons disguised as new lovers, repeating karmic lessons unlearned as polar-opposites.
Understanding Karmic Debt
Karmic contracts with family? Many insights into how disease has manifested into my life - childhood trauma, parent's baggage and their ancestor's baggage. It goes so deep into the collective human consciousness.
When I focused my question with intent for my life's purpose and current career path... there was a blockage which I hope to disrupt on my next encounter with Ibogaine. Creative energy was felt. It was a feeling above all else. Because we are here on this earth to create, collaborate and experience love, not to run on hamster wheels making money.
At 1:00 my alchemist returned, offering a last dose to total 500mg - I had contemplated not doing it. But fear did not win. This time, the purge happened quicker, I was less frightened of the intensity of dying and I felt more connected to the plant. In love. I think that all my receptors were quite depleted - the visions were dreamier. The voice of my higher self was quieter. At 3:00, she checked in one more time before getting some rest.
I marinaded in between consciousness and dimensions in a warm fuzzy cocoon for what felt like hours until she awakened and popped in to hear all about it. It would be a few more hours until the stimulant effects of the plant wore off and allowed me to sleep properly.
We had a wonderful soul chat over a delicious cup of tea. Life, love and loss. Today would be a day of integration and staying in bed until the giddiness wore off. I journaled all my insights while downloading my new light body and understanding how to protect this new energy and awareness. I was finally ready to leave at 14:00 and upon returning home, grateful to shower and snack on a light green smoothie. By 16:00 I was in my own bed and only awoke after 12 hours of deep restorative sleep. My pupils were still dilated and I felt like a newborn babe seeing the world for the first time.
I can only describe the experience with an excerpt from Paul Ferrini's quote on soul mates, 'You will not live through the night. Something you have held onto for lifetimes will be ripped away from you. And the gods will dance on your torn body. For they know, you have finally been humbled and vanquished.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for formal and individualized diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed medical professional. Do not stop or alter your current course of treatment. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
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