How To Catch A Ghost
First of all, catching a ghost is not like leaving cookies out for Santa and waiting up to catch a glimpse of him. Trying to catch a ghost can be extremely hazardous to your health. Side effects include but are not limited to:
- persistent haunting
- male pregnancy
- full and permanent dilatation of the right pupil
- déjà vu
- ....and even death
Field Guide to Catching Ghosts
If you’re still reading this, welcome to The Foremost Comprehensive Field Guide to Sensing, Locating and Capturing that Spooky Specter. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t already believe in ghosts and aren't already faced with some sort of haunting. If, however, you’re fearless and are just out looking for ghosts, be sure to check out spooky old houses, graveyards, or abandoned asylums—my personal favorite.
I need to make something perfectly clear before you read on. This guide is only intended for catching a ghost. It is NOT, I repeat NOT, to be used on a poltergeist. For that, you’ll need to purchase my other manual: Pesky Poltergeist. For the amateurs out there, let me distinguish the two for you now. Ghosts are spirits of the deceased who refuse to leave the realm of the living, for whatever reason, while poltergeists are forms of energy, which a living person can control unknowingly. Consult a professional (me) if you’re unsure which you’re dealing with.
So, assuming you’ve located your haunted area, proceed with extreme caution. Ghosts can be sneaky, conniving, and possess a veritable font of tricks the living cannot foresee.
What will I need?
- The first thing you’ll want is a manual camera. It has to be manual! This allows you to control every aspect of your exposure. You see, electronics have a tendency to act up in the presence of a ghost. They're not to keen about getting their picture taken so, keeping it manual will give you the edge. Also, having a camcorder set up is never a bad idea. Night vision is obviously preferred, as ghosts don’t parade around in the light. (If they are, run!)
- Second, you should always have a tape recorder. Tape recorders are essential because even if you can't hear anything, sounds may show up on the tape when you play it back. (Remember the scene from Sixth Sense when Bruce Willis employed this little trick? It's exactly like that only you'll be alive!)
- The third important necessity in your kit is an EMF detector. This is a must and will pick up the electrical fields in any area over several different frequencies. If a ghost is near, it will cause a disruption in the electrical field and immediately notify you.
- Fourth, and you’ll need to make a withdrawal from your savings account for these nifty tools, an infrared thermal scanner and air ion counter. Both will cost a pretty penny, but with them you’ll be two steps ahead of your ghost.
- Lastly, for extra precaution, you should carry some holy water or a small cross. I'm not saying that all ghosts are evil because they're not, but in the case that one tries to go all Poltergeist on you, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Capturing the Ghost
You're almost there! Now, the aforementioned materials are what you will need to document and sense the presence of a ghost, but the last piece of the puzzle is what you use to actually capture it. You will need to follow my specifications exactly on this piece of gear.
You will require a container made of a metal. (Any metal works, but I like copper.) This container must measure 10x12x4 inches precisely. (We don’t want the ghost having too much wiggle room.) When you're ready, fill the container partially with soil from hallowed ground. This will lure the ghost into place. Once you've confirmed with your equipment that the ghost has taken the bait and is resting in your container, but not before, carefully place the lid on and sprinkle salt on top. Once you've completed this task, carefully take the container (be sure to leave the salt on top) to hallowed ground and bury it. This will hold the ghost securely in place for upwards of one hundred years or until the container is disturbed. As an extra precaution, make sure the hallowed ground isn't near the original location. The further away, the better.
WARNING: Ghosts are dangerous! Be sure to store them in a cool dark place away from children.
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Congratulations, if you’ve followed my directions and managed to outsmart your paranormal nemesis, you’re currently on your way to being ghost free. I’m truly impressed.
One minor caveat…
DANGER: NEVER, under any circumstances, trap a ghost on its way to the afterlife. The spirit is an everlasting part of a person and interfering with that journey can come with unimaginably painful and eternally catastrophic consequences to its captor.