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How should you deal with a Christian MIL?

Updated on July 7, 2015
Ta-Iset profile image

Ta-Iset has never graduated from High school, but she got most of her vast intelligence through reading and learning online.

My boys.

This was taken when Logan was 2 and a half, and Lukas was 3 weeks old.
This was taken when Logan was 2 and a half, and Lukas was 3 weeks old. | Source

Some of the things my MIL says to me.

My MIL is very old fashioned, she is one of those old school Christians. My husband was raised Christian, and she has instilled a lot of her opinions in him, thankfully though he thinks she's crazy.

These are some of the things she says to me on my visits with her:

1.) Why do you wear that symbol on your neck? Are you proud of worshiping the devil?

2.) My grandsons are going to be spoiled with your views on the world. (Spoiled as in I will some how make them stupid with my faith)

3.) You're religion is just silly and not real, why do you choose to teach them this garbage?

4.) I don't want my grandsons to wear that symbol around their necks. (So I switched from the pentagram to an Ankh)

5.) I don't like this symbol either, it's a Pagan cross, only the devil could design this

6.) When are you planning on baptizing the boys? Can we do it at my church?

7.) Do you have a bible from your religion? (I told her something like one, only we call it a book of shadows)

8.) A book of shadows? I don't think that sounds nice at all, anything with shadows sounds evil.

9.) When your children go to school what are they going to do when the other kids talk about God? Are they going to hiss and cover their ears?

10.) Why can't you stop confusing yourself and accept Jesus?

11.) I feel sorry for those boys growing up with your views is going to send them poor souls to hell.

My pentagram, and my Ankh

I took the pentagram off and just have my Ankh now because the Pentagram made her uncomfortable.
I took the pentagram off and just have my Ankh now because the Pentagram made her uncomfortable. | Source

What do I say to these things?

I am a very respectful person. I don't disrespect my elders, I learned very good manners from my years in foster care. I also don't know how to be forceful with her because she is my husbands mother and I want her to like me. I know that she doesn't at all, but I feel maybe I can change her mind.

I have posted other hubs about how mean I can get when pushed too far, but my MIL hasn't gotten me there yet. My husband has told me so many times to just tell her to shut up. I can't seem to bring myself to it. I try and be respectful and say "Naomi I don't like it when we talk about my faith" She thinks that I'm uncomfortable because I'm confused and doubt I'm on the right path. When in truth it's because I don't like arguing or debating why my faith is mine. I don't feel I have to justify why I chose my faith, or why I choose to teach it to my children. I certainly don't like hearing her many comments on how it's going to spoil their minds.

She likes to say that it's going to ruin their lives, when I don't feel it will, I feel I am giving them pieces of myself that they will either cherish, or they will disregard when they're older. Either way it's their choice later to do what they will with what I teach them. Right now my 3 year old sings my songs, like the moon chant, and we all come from the goddess, and the hymn to Isis. I love how he loves the songs he grew up on. His brother will only sleep if I sing the moon chant. They love what I'm teaching them, but when we visit their grandmother....

She wants me to baptize them at her church, and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of baptizing them at all. I would if it were not to her God... I'm not against her beliefs, but I don't feel baptizing them will be respecting mine. She even had a problem with how me and my husband got married. I had a handfasting ritual preformed. She wouldn't even come to it, she said that it was sick and God would be mad.

I honestly don't know what else I can do to try and tell her gracefully to step off. She even went as far as telling the CPS that I am Pagan and they literally had a problem with my beliefs as well... This was before my second son was born. Logan was almost a year at the time, and they had taken him from me for 3 weeks while they evaluated the situation... I went and got a lawyer and my lawyer had said they illegally removed him. Apparently even a temporary removal needs to be done through the courts, and they never took me to court. So I got him back immediately. She was so mad she said she was going to send him to Montreal to live with my husbands sister. I had to get my lawyer involved again... I was seriously scared.

My husband wanted to cut her out of our lives, but I told him that she is misguided and if we do that than we are only hurting our children, even though she is crazy and immoral, our boys need to know her. I know that this may seem weird but I never knew any of my grandmothers because both my parents wouldn't let me. My mother mom died before I ever got to meet her. My fathers mother the same, and I had opportunities, they just wouldn't let me. I feel it will be just as sad if my boys don't know their crazy grandmother.

My heart belongs in Egypt

What I believe... Opposed to what she thinks I believe.

I believe in the Goddess Isis, and the God Osiris. I believe that they lived among the people in Egypt. I believe that they are the real living embodiment of my faith. I worship daily in my thought's, in my heart. I love them, and I am currently trying to learn how they were worship in Ancient Egypt, because I want to honor them they are supposed to be honored.

I have a book of Shadows and not a bible, why? Because in the book of shadows I can put fact from fairytale in my book. I can add recipes and poems. I can add songs, I can add drawings. I can tailor it to me, instead of having a one fits all type deal.

I do not believe in demons, the devil, or anything of that nonsense. I feel that if I played her game that I would be lowering myself to her standards, and I can't do that to myself. Do I feel I am better than her? In some aspects yes I am better than her, why? Because I would never tell her how to raise her children. Two I wouldn't ever make fun of her religion, or her beliefs. Three I wouldn't tell her that she was ruining her children's lives by teaching them her faith. She makes me feel small in her presents, and I shouldn't feel that way, she makes me feel wrong, and no one deserves to feel that way. I actually have a poem that I wrote about her that I shall share in here.

I will put it in my next text capsule. She says so many things to me as I listed above that make me want to keep her away, but because I am so bent on not taking her out of my children's lives until they choose to kick her out, that I bite my tongue most of the time. I don't let her stop me from being me though. I wear my Ankh, even with her silly comments. She tells me that my children shouldn't sing my songs, I tell her if they wish to they are allowed. She asks me if I teach them anything about God, and I say "Why would I teach them something I don't believe in?" She gets very upset, but I don't feel it is rude to state facts.

I believe in the earth, and all the living beings on this planet. I teach my children not to kill insects, not to litter, not to make a mess in our yard. I teach my 3 year old to say thank you to the trees when he picks up a nut, or a leaf that's fallen. I taught him how to give the pine cones back to the trees by burring them. I teach him how to garden, how to cook, how to be in nature and love the earth. I teach him the colors of the seasons, how to worship the planet and it's cycles. The moon and her cycles, and the Sun and his cycles. I'm currently working on his book of shadows with him. I ask him what he wants to put in his book and he tells me "Airplanes mommy" I put pictures of airplanes in it. It will be purely his own creation.

I teach him that he has choices and as long as he doesn't harm the earth, or any living thing than he can do what he wishes. I believe in a lot of wonderful and beautiful things. I just wish that she wasn't afraid of it, I know she comes from a different era, and a time when Witches were feared, and Pagans were chased out of town, but this is 2015 now... Shouldn't she give it up?

My Alter

This is a picture of my current Alter. It will change as soon as I get my book that will explain how an Ancient Egyptian Alter looked.
This is a picture of my current Alter. It will change as soon as I get my book that will explain how an Ancient Egyptian Alter looked. | Source

My Poem "How? Why?" Inspired by my MIL

Spinning around and around, word's the meanings, the thoughts, the pain that's attached to them. From the immense Pain inflicted over a small time lapse. How? Why? Today is a mistake, tomorrow will bring new hope, unless Pain happens to knock again... Love has made Soul happy for now, and Joy made Soul feel welcome. Even though Joy has no idea why Soul cries over the thoughts of Pain inflicts... Misery jumped right after Pain, and caused Soul's heart attack... Slowly Love calmed Soul, and Soul could think clearly again...Time is a funny thing, you think you know how time will go and then it changes and turns into a hurricane and everything in it's path is then drenched in Sorrow... Souls mind is wandering and lonely with the heavy burden Pain and Misery has bestowed upon Soul, Love doesn't understand the blame Soul feels... Love is so gentle and innocent sometimes, and Joy smiles at Soul making Soul laugh and giggle even though Soul knows that the lapse is killing her inside... How? Why? Soul can't figure it out, and answers don't make Pain and Misery cease... So what can Soul do? Rewind? That's impossible, so what does Pain and Misery expect from Soul? Hasn't Soul given enough stress to time? Enough tears? Hasn't Love endured enough suffering? Must Soul, Love, and Joy suffer more sorrow because of a time lapse? How can Pain and Misery be so judgmental knowing how time had treated them? Too late... Soul is suffering... How? Why?

This poem was written after an incident that didn't really call for name calling happened between me, MIL and SIL... It really had me upset to the point I started crying, and instead of letting it consume me, I am a writer, I had to release it... I wrote another poem after this... I shall post that in here as well... It's also about my MIL, and SIL...

How? Why? Part 2, in video form.

In conclusion... I have a lot of Pain because of her....

She causes me a lot of pain... Her and her daughter are like a pair of the same coin... Her daughter though says she's Pagan, but she doesn't act like it, sometimes I wonder if she said she was just to get information about me to give to her mother. Although the information she did get from me to give to her mother never worked...

My sister in law, and my mother in law are so terrible to me sometimes you'd wonder why I put up with it... And I will say it's because I do not have the right to tell my children, they can't have their Aunt and Grandmother a part of their lives just because I don't like them. It is not my place to take that opportunity to know them away.

I hate how they treat me, and honestly if I wasn't afraid of her teaching them horrible things about me, I would leave them and not associate with her until their visit is over, but I can't trust her... So I have to sit through it... It's almost as if she is trying to make me leave so she can do something behind my back... Do you think she's wondering "How much can she take before she doesn't come for the visits?" Hmmm....

My sweet Lukas

This is my baby Lukas... He's the sweetest baby ever. Such a chubby Monkey.
This is my baby Lukas... He's the sweetest baby ever. Such a chubby Monkey. | Source

After everything you've read, what do you think I should do?

Should I cut her out of my life? Or should I give her a chance to change?

I've thought about this a lot over the last 2 years, I've blocked her on my main facebook and added her on a different one, same with her daughter. The only reason I did that was so she wouldn't start drama on my page, same with her daughter. I wanted her to watch her grandchildren grow up through videos and pictures because she doesn't see them that often. December 2014 she and her daughter started some drama on my other facebook... Started yelling at Jonny telling him that I'm crazy because I have two facebooks... His sister claimed that I was ashamed of what I put on facebook...

I ended up commenting to his sister saying to her "Yes, I'm shamed of what gets put on my facebook, but not from me, from you and your crazy mother. It's sad that I had to make a completely different facebook just so I didn't have you and your moms drama on my main page. So yes I'm shamed I have crazy in laws that blame me for everything and make me feel small because you feel small in my presents" She immediately blocked me... I didn't care to be honest, I made that for her and her mother to see their family. If she wanted to block her only window into her nephews, who am I to complain?

Her mother never saw what I posted thank Osiris... I would of been sad if she had, I felt like I disrespected her for posting that, but I snapped....

So now after all that you've read, what would you do if you were in my position? And remember I feel that I don't have the right to keep her out of my children's lives, it's not my choice to make for them... That is the only reason she is still around to be honest.

Thank you for reading, and watching my video. Hope you enjoyed my hub :)

Now I ask....

If you were me would you?

See results


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    • Ta-Iset profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

      Thank you Lawrence, most of the time we visit her, because she makes lunch, and or dinner for us. I always respect her, and my husband thinks I give her too much respect. I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks now, she wants to set up something for the kids, for Logan's 3rd birthday in sept. I think I will ask that we don't talk about my religion. Hopefully she accepts, other wise I will have to decline the invitation.

    • lawrence01 profile image

      Lawrence Hebb 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

      I think your husband is right! Its time to put some distance between you!

      We had the opposite issue when my wife and I got married, my Mother and Father in law said they didn't believe in God! We made it plain that we did and our child would be brought up knowing him. They learned to respect that.

      I think a few miles with the rule that under her roof you'll obey her rules but under your roof she has to obey yours (with consequences) might just be the wake up call!


    • Ta-Iset profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

      I agree with you, it's so hard for me because I've gotten so used to burring my feelings around her. Usually when she brings it up I try to stay open minded until she says it's evil. Then I say "it's not evil, it's beautiful" she says "well my grandsons are going to hell" I say "well Naomi you may believe that, but I don't believe in your hell. I believe there is only love and happiness after we pass, and some of us get to live again while others get to remain with the God's and Goddesses" she says "nonsense"

      I've tried setting boundaries with her before... me and my husband have told her not to be rude to me. She agreed and for a time she wasn't bad. Then out of nowhere, I'm assuming it had to do with her daughter and her talking about me, she would bring up things from the past. I would tell her that I'm not mental.... because she believes that mental illness means you're retarded. I tried explaining it to her...

      my husband even given her websites to read about my illness.... she said "she's unpredictable and it's unsafe for her to be around her children, she may snap and hit them." That's when CBS got involved.... and it was horrible... at first they just observing us. Then when she told them I'm Pagan they took my oldest son from me.... I got a lawyer.... they ended up giving him back.... I almost sued them.

      His mother wanted to ship my son off to live with her daughter.... I was livid.... she's caused so much trouble. And still I feel I have no place to tell her she can't see her grandsons....

      I feel like the only way she will stop is if I allow them to interact with her beliefs... I won't baptize them, but I guess it wouldn't hurt letting them go to Christmas dinners and other holiday parties.... even if it's uncomfortable for me....

    • WiccanSage profile image

      Mackenzie Sage Wright 

      3 years ago

      I feel for you in this situation. I have had difficulty with my mother, and more than enough reason to cut her out of my life, but like you I wanted to find a way to respect her and keep her part of my life & my kids lives.

      I can tell you how I have handled it: I had to draw firm boundaries. She didn't agree with my religion, so I refused to talk about it or justify it. I refused to try and explain it or justify myself. If she brought it up, I'd tell her I don't want to talk about religion because I refuse to disrespect hers and refuse to have mine disrespected.

      If she kept talking, the visit was abruptly ended and I'd leave. If she asked why, I'd tell her, "Because I said I wasn't going to talk about that." This was inconvenient for me (sometimes I had to leave 15 minutes after arriving, or she'd come to my house and I'd pack up the kids and leave her there; once I left just before Thanksgiving dinner because she wouldn't drop it. I'd also say 'goodbye' if on the phone with her if she brought it up).

      Basically I got to a point where I would not let her bait me into arguing (so she couldn't accuse me of disrespect or rudeness), but I needed to show her I would not accept being treated that way. She eventually learned to hold her tongue about certain things... she learned that if she was going to talk about it, she was going to lose by default.

      Not saying I know what's best for you in your situation, but it sounds like you and your hubby need to figure out a way to take a firm stand against that kind of treatment; it doesn't have to be done disrespectfully toward your MIL but it isn't good for your kids to see anyone disrespecting the parents or undermining their beliefs, choices, values, etc. and it's important to figure out a way to show her you won't stand for that.


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