I Walk a mile with Sorrow
Once upon a Time
There are many times during life's journey that we went through one changes after another in attitude and behavior then found ourselves lost and confused about who we really are. Some experiences in our past transforms us into either a better version of ourselves or a bitter person. I have gone through many changes that I had not noticed at first, nor do my friends realized it. I thought I was always the same person but for a tiny change of reaction in handling matters but basically the same attitude. In fact, I had changed. It all started within and then my behavior gradually took a turn for the worst.
I was opinionated but refuse to judge. Strong principled yet extremely emotional, thus my actions are spontaneous and childish at times. I thought I was humble and knew humility. I also thought I was a tough girl who is not easily influenced by the toxic environment I've been living with since an early age. I hadn't fall into temptation even when those around me started to change their ways long ago. I read the book "Man In the Mirror" once, and understand about the other type of pride. Perhaps this inner pride got too big, and I had my share of falling. It had inspire the beginning of a short story, titled 'Fallen Grace' a couple of years back, which still sits in a box somewhere.
A fellow hubber, asked "What is the most difficult phase in your life?" Her question made me think of a time that I still find hard to forget. It could be the most difficult phase that truly transform me to the person I am today. I am not where I am heading yet, but I am going there.
My answer to Mkrandhawa's question:
When I had to give up the rights to the love of my life, learn the REAL meaning of humility, being accused and insulted, battling severe depression without support and understanding,in the brink of losing my mind and in denial over it all, seek substance abuse to drown images that seems to replay all day, ending in myself sabotaging any happiness that showed up and unconsciously provoke abuse from others as a way to punish myself. The circle went on and on until I became a person I do not know anymore. Friends deserted me, others snicker when I am present. It has gotten so bad, that I learnt to numb myself from any feelings, but I would weep under the shower in self loathing unable to forgive myself the most and not understanding how a decent girl came this far from her true nature. When I am alone in bed, I would start to bawl in self pity.
I know what I am sharing here is not even a scoop of the ordeal I went through. Not as much physical pain as it is an 'emotional trauma' and a weakness of my part that was tested. I have no regrets for what had happened but I am thankful for the experience that has managed to change my attitude and mature me.
Heck, it wasn't very long ago, but for all it's worth, I am now able to let go and well on my way back to the girl i used to be. I can never be the same person I was but hoping that I am now a bit more wiser.