I Found Jesus, He Was Behind The Sofa The Whole Time
God Love Those Celebrities Who Found Jesus
Paris Hilton found Jesus in prison, Michael Vick found him somewhere between his disgusting behavior toward dogs and the courthouse and even ex-governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey (who I think is more like McCreepy - read that blog here... Jim McGreevey Is A Little McCreepy For This Gay) has entered the seminary this week to learn more about his pal Jesus and everyone else that is featured in the bible I suppose. So all this talk of finding Jesus got me thinking about a magnet I saw years ago and it really sums up my sentiment on the whole thing...I found Jesus, he was behind the sofa the whole time - Don't Get Me Started!
Now as I wrote that last sentence, somewhere in Las Vegas a short Jewish woman (my Mother) clutched her chest, muttered a few words in Yiddish and passed out. When she comes to she'll be glad to know that I haven't found Jesus in the way that Paris or Mr. Vick found him (after all, I've never been arrested so I guess I've never needed him). I'm still very much a nice Jewish boy. I do have to say that I feel mighty bad for our pal Jesus. He seems to spend a lot of his time in prison which must be a real drag. Not to mention all the time that he spends with rappers who write lyrics like, "Fucked your mother, sucked your brother, those hos knows me shit" who thank Jesus in their VMA award speeches. I can imagine Jesus (don't forget he's Jewish) watching going, "Oy vey, the fifty of the cent had to thank me after that last album? Thank you but no thank you. I can tell you I had nothing to do with it or what he's wearing, look at him. He's going to an award show and he dresses like such a schlepper? Couldn't he maybe dress a little nicer like the Diddy?"
Now far be it for me to run down someone else's religious beliefs. I'm very happy for you if you've accepted Jesus as your personal savior but please remember that the word, "personal" is in there so do us all a favor and just keep it to yourself. I don't need to walk with Jesus, have him in my heart or ask myself what he would do (but thanks for thinking of me). I like being Jewish so when I say, "I'm Jewish" to the Mormons at the door, the Jehovah Witnesses who want to give me a little book or the born-again Christians with the fish on their car that I'm flipping off because they cut me off without so much as a turn signal do me a favor and respect my space and my religion the same way I respect yours.
Judaism is just the right fit for me. I like the balanced approach it offers and the fact that it constantly encourages discussion to reinterpret its teachings. I'm not big on the whole hell concept. I'm a firm believer that we create hell right here on earth for ourselves and that nothing in the afterlife could be worse than what we've cooked up for ourselves. You know; the choices we make of who we get involved with, the stressful work situations we put ourselves in and the cats that we spoil so much that they wake us up in the middle of the night with a deafening "MEOW" demanding we wake and pet them. (Okay, maybe the last one is the monster cat that I've created and perhaps I'm the only one to ever overindulge a pet in such a way - yeah, right) But as I always tell my friends when they tell me I'm being too catty myself, if there is a hell, I plan to get there first and decorate in my colors so that all my pals will have to live with my design choices for all of eternity. (For those of you planning on being in hell with me, think primary colors, a lot of listening to Ethel Merman and movie musicals playing 24/7 on TV - no one said it was going to be easy or pretty - much like the last three people you dated who possessed one, both or none of those qualities)
I just think someone needs to let these celebrities know that finding Jesus isn't a "get out of jail free" card by any means and that there will still be plenty of work to do besides just saying they've found him. Because once you've found him you've got to go through that whole getting to know one another thing. And as any Christian will tell you, Jesus died for your sins (not mine mind you but yours) and so anyone who's willing to put himself out in that way is going to expect a little something in return. And he IS Jewish so if you don't think there's going to be some guilt involved you're out of your ever-loving minds. It probably goes something like this (please excuse me Mel Gibson that it's not in some archaic language I made up), "No really, it's enough that you revere my name and love me. I love you too. I loved you when I was up on that cross in such heat you couldn't believe and not a breeze in sight, not that I could see from that farchachta crown of thorns that was jabbing in my head like a headache you should never know from. A throbbing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, are you listening Pat Robertson? Go ahead and drive drunk Paris, go ahead and kill the dogs Michael, I'll still love you. The question is can you live with and love yourself after what you've done? You can? Hmmm...I told you about how hot it was on the cross, yes? And the thorns. Hmmm...Oh right, the nails. You think they could use something a little sharp, let me tell you, this would never be confused with the Ginsu knives they sell on QVC. They were so dull they made Star Jones seem interesting." If when these people found Jesus this was the conversation they had, I think they would put him right back where they found him. I found Jesus, he was behind the sofa the whole time - Don't Get Me Started!
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