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I Found Jesus, He Was Behind The Sofa The Whole Time

Updated on May 9, 2011

God Love Those Celebrities Who Found Jesus

Paris Hilton found Jesus in prison, Michael Vick found him somewhere between his disgusting behavior toward dogs and the courthouse and even ex-governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey (who I think is more like McCreepy - read that blog here... Jim McGreevey Is A Little McCreepy For This Gay) has entered the seminary this week to learn more about his pal Jesus and everyone else that is featured in the bible I suppose. So all this talk of finding Jesus got me thinking about a magnet I saw years ago and it really sums up my sentiment on the whole thing...I found Jesus, he was behind the sofa the whole time - Don't Get Me Started!

Now as I wrote that last sentence, somewhere in Las Vegas a short Jewish woman (my Mother) clutched her chest, muttered a few words in Yiddish and passed out. When she comes to she'll be glad to know that I haven't found Jesus in the way that Paris or Mr. Vick found him (after all, I've never been arrested so I guess I've never needed him). I'm still very much a nice Jewish boy. I do have to say that I feel mighty bad for our pal Jesus. He seems to spend a lot of his time in prison which must be a real drag. Not to mention all the time that he spends with rappers who write lyrics like, "Fucked your mother, sucked your brother, those hos knows me shit" who thank Jesus in their VMA award speeches. I can imagine Jesus (don't forget he's Jewish) watching going, "Oy vey, the fifty of the cent had to thank me after that last album? Thank you but no thank you. I can tell you I had nothing to do with it or what he's wearing, look at him. He's going to an award show and he dresses like such a schlepper? Couldn't he maybe dress a little nicer like the Diddy?"

Now far be it for me to run down someone else's religious beliefs. I'm very happy for you if you've accepted Jesus as your personal savior but please remember that the word, "personal" is in there so do us all a favor and just keep it to yourself. I don't need to walk with Jesus, have him in my heart or ask myself what he would do (but thanks for thinking of me). I like being Jewish so when I say, "I'm Jewish" to the Mormons at the door, the Jehovah Witnesses who want to give me a little book or the born-again Christians with the fish on their car that I'm flipping off because they cut me off without so much as a turn signal do me a favor and respect my space and my religion the same way I respect yours.

Judaism is just the right fit for me. I like the balanced approach it offers and the fact that it constantly encourages discussion to reinterpret its teachings. I'm not big on the whole hell concept. I'm a firm believer that we create hell right here on earth for ourselves and that nothing in the afterlife could be worse than what we've cooked up for ourselves. You know; the choices we make of who we get involved with, the stressful work situations we put ourselves in and the cats that we spoil so much that they wake us up in the middle of the night with a deafening "MEOW" demanding we wake and pet them. (Okay, maybe the last one is the monster cat that I've created and perhaps I'm the only one to ever overindulge a pet in such a way - yeah, right) But as I always tell my friends when they tell me I'm being too catty myself, if there is a hell, I plan to get there first and decorate in my colors so that all my pals will have to live with my design choices for all of eternity. (For those of you planning on being in hell with me, think primary colors, a lot of listening to Ethel Merman and movie musicals playing 24/7 on TV - no one said it was going to be easy or pretty - much like the last three people you dated who possessed one, both or none of those qualities)

I just think someone needs to let these celebrities know that finding Jesus isn't a "get out of jail free" card by any means and that there will still be plenty of work to do besides just saying they've found him. Because once you've found him you've got to go through that whole getting to know one another thing. And as any Christian will tell you, Jesus died for your sins (not mine mind you but yours) and so anyone who's willing to put himself out in that way is going to expect a little something in return. And he IS Jewish so if you don't think there's going to be some guilt involved you're out of your ever-loving minds. It probably goes something like this (please excuse me Mel Gibson that it's not in some archaic language I made up), "No really, it's enough that you revere my name and love me. I love you too. I loved you when I was up on that cross in such heat you couldn't believe and not a breeze in sight, not that I could see from that farchachta crown of thorns that was jabbing in my head like a headache you should never know from. A throbbing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, are you listening Pat Robertson? Go ahead and drive drunk Paris, go ahead and kill the dogs Michael, I'll still love you. The question is can you live with and love yourself after what you've done? You can? Hmmm...I told you about how hot it was on the cross, yes? And the thorns. Hmmm...Oh right, the nails. You think they could use something a little sharp, let me tell you, this would never be confused with the Ginsu knives they sell on QVC. They were so dull they made Star Jones seem interesting." If when these people found Jesus this was the conversation they had, I think they would put him right back where they found him. I found Jesus, he was behind the sofa the whole time - Don't Get Me Started!



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    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas

      Ha ha ha - Thanks so much for reading and writing in to me. I'm glad you enjoyed it and it is high praise indeed that you were reading it to your husband. I am definitely stealing the whole, "Jesus would bring his A Game" thing - love it!!! Thanks again for reading and for more than my HubPages rants, check out my site at

    • profile image

      Ha ha ha 5 years ago

      And to think people are commenting with "God loves you" blah blah blah. People just don't understand good "WWJD" humor. You've cornered the market here! My husband have an inside joke when we don't have an answer for an ironic quandary... He'll look at me and say, "What would Jesus do here?" the correct response is "Jesus would bring his "A" game." It fills the void on everything from what kind of donut to choose to whether or not to go big or go home and jump out of a perfectly good plane. We have a friend who uses it with a smirk when hitting on women.

      Fantastic commentary. It was so good I had to read it aloud to my husband and I'm sure I didn't do the Yiddish justice even after having lived in Jersey for years.

    • profile image

      Ashley 5 years ago

      Scott, (I believe that is your name)

      Very well written. The title is what had me laughing for 10 minutes! And the funny part is, I'm a believer. I understand you'd rather have people keep their religion to themselves, and I'm going to let you finish but I would like to just say, Jesus has the greatest love story of all times. Sorry, I had to have a little fun myself. Seriously though, Jesus Christ is the way the truth and light and he has chosen us to be the light and the salt of the earth to share with the unbelievers the truth and that's why we don't always keep it so "personal" as you phrased it. I think you're a pretty awesome person from what I just read or should I say Very Funny! But the truth is unless you call out to Jesus and confess your sins the ultimate truth is you will spend eternity in Hell. Truth and time go hand in hand.

      Under Grace,


    • profile image

      sherry 6 years ago

      Call upon the name of the Lord Jesus and be saved!

    • profile image

      Jordan Sapien 6 years ago

      I think it's cute how you did this little piece, but you don't seem at peace. I respect all religions but you can't blame the people themselves for the religion. Most religions in the world are set on love and forgiveness and making the world a better place. I am a Catholic and I know how it is to be put down and called the devil because of it. If we all stopped condemning each other and worked together, religion wouldn't be a factor. You can deny Jesus is our savior or what not, but he wouldn't have been here in the first place if we had stopped sinning and calling each others religions wrong. Oh and by the way, I don't consider him my personal savior. I consider him all our saviors and that he works in me to help everyone. And for the rappers, they are just ignorant, lost people that just don't get what life is all about. They think that if they thank Jesus, they will be saved. They are just a little scared.

    • lisadpreston profile image

      lisadpreston 7 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      Jesus reminds me of "Where's Waldo" Always lost and hidden and someone is always trying to find him. Would someone give Jesus a map already?

    • profile image

      some 1 who loves God 7 years ago

      God Bless you who ever u are, but the truth is Jesus died for all of us so that we can be saved from our sins that sepprate us from God. And if you recieve Jesus christ as your lord and savior you will be saved. sry yaww 4 inrrupting ur blog, but i didnt want leave u without telling u.

    • profile image

      jesus christ 8 years ago

      Name: Jesus Christ’s blog (isa Islam)

      Age: 26

      Religon: ISLAM

      New world will begin in 2012 with the name Of Allah.

      Islam is the answer and it is not easy to find me. God protects me from people and there evil plans. Indeed God is with me. You will never be able to find me unless I show up myself in front of people and which will only happen with the will of God. I won’t expose myself unless God allows me to.

      If you will read Quran, You will really find me right after you are done reading all of it.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 9 years ago from Las Vegas

      Well, you're very sweet to say that, Lela...does this mean I can wear a cape and tights now?!? LOL

    • Lela Davidson profile image

      Lela Davidson 9 years ago from Bentonville, Arkansas

      You are my hero!

    • dasiavou profile image

      dasiavou 9 years ago

      Alot of what you say is very true. Saying "you found Jesus" is not a get out of jail free card. "Faith without works is dead." You know, Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in hell, either.

    • Paulie profile image

      Paulie 10 years ago

      Ha, ha great comments. I like snarky humor.