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If I were Satan?

Updated on December 21, 2013

"If I were Satan?" It is a strange title but I was thinking, "What would I do if I wanted to screw up the works of God?" Hmm?

First, I would start organized religions, a bunch of them. They would all think that they are exclusively right! Oh yes...I can make evil appear to be good. Make them believe that the earth is 6,000 years old. LOL....It took me that long to explain the Platypus I designed to my fellow fallen angels. You know, that poisonous beaver/duck thing. Nobody is perfect!

Second....Hmm? I have to have a lure. Ah....money and power! Somebody has to run and promote the religion. YES!.....pay them very well! Take excellent care of my boys just for squawking! Oh how they will live in the lap of luxury and bountiful blessings because they are spreading the word! Oh ho ho...they will do a lot of spreading in the congregations. Genius!!!

Third.....I need a gimmick. The Nazarene made it tough with that love stuff! Hmm? They did murder him though. I need an idol. Hmm...oh yeah! The murder tool! The cross! That can be my gimmick! They will forget all about that Jesus love your brother, blah, blah blah.....if I give them a symbol to worship and have them believe that everybody who doesn't worship it their way....goes directly to eternal hell and does not pass GO! Haaa....Genius!

Fourth....Muslims...Hmm? I already made them hate Jews. Hmm? How can I make them hate Christians? That's it! Infidels of course! Destroy the infidels! Hell yes! I can promise them 70 virgins and a mansion. Oh I am good...hehehehehe....

Fifth.....The Nazarene is really going to be pissed at me for this one. Have the religions believe that God is punishing mankind, killing innocent people....diseases, plagues, Paris Hilton, etc. Hmm?...Might as well throw in a few disasters! I love that contradiction...God of love kills and tortures for eternity! Oh I am sooooo deliciously devious.

Sixth.....That's it! I'll make the Christians hate each other over doctrine! Star Belly Sneeches! Thanks Seuss! The Cross Belly Christians.....Genius!

Seventh....Make them believe that my power is only in the secular world . It's hard to think that humans would be so ignorant to believe that I am restricted to places like Rome, Athens,Washington,Vegas,Cleveland, etc. The secular world bores me. Blah, blah...I've done it all. I can make them hate the secular world and keep to themselves, therefore retaining my influence in both through division.....Genius!

Eighth....I can make them think that if they give money to my religion, they will be rewarded ten fold in monetary value. Wow....I just turned the grace of love into lust for filthy money! They wont want his love! They will want my money! "More, yes, more, yes more," They'll cry! I can envision a Black Friday sale at Walmart! They will trample each other to get their Happy Birthday Nazarene goodies! Genius!

Ninth.....I have to keep confusion of the truth going. Hmm? Did the Dead Sea scrolls thing. Released hidden books of the bible and multiple opinionated versions. Hmm? Ah...that's it! Damn...it's been there all along! "What's in it for me?" Good old reliable greed. ROFL! They'll scream, "Nanny Nanny boo boo....I get a mansion and you go to hell!" Why do they always fall for that one? It's a spiritual mansion the Nazarene was speaking of....DUH! I had one but was evicted by YOU KNOW WHO!

Tenth.....Let me see....hmm? The icing on the cake. Oh...all the wonderful works they did in his name! I can't wait until the day he tells them,"Go away from me, I never knew you!" Genius!

Hmm? I am kind of wondering tho....Is God letting me do this? Naaaa...I'm a GENIUS!

Snake in the tree. Paper made of tree. Words are beautiful. Their interpretations are too often ugly.

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    • profile image

      nazishnasim 7 years ago

      Pure genius! I simply loved the way how you went around the topic ... above it and below it ... but didn't hit the point and still did it in a way that it couldn't have been better! Touche!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Hmmm. Ya know I like this. You can really think like the devil! (ps, love the poster!)

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks nazishnasim....I just get curious and write. :)

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Candie...yip...I got it from years of dealing with religion. :)

    • trooper22 profile image

      trooper22 7 years ago from Chicago

      ROFL!...That cartoon is a perfect icing on a very good cake!

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

      Beautiful. ROFL.  The force is with you Tom.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      LAWL and assorted other Internet acronyms to denote amusement.

    • profile image

      Pachuca213 7 years ago

      You are a smart cookie Tom....and I would have thought you had the first one on one interview with Beelzebub himself....too bad most people can't read the writing on the wall....GOOD HUB! ~JJ

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      Perfect!

    • Hawkesdream profile image

      Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

      If I really think about, as well as a laugh, Tom, you actually make sense.lol

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 7 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

      I love this, Tom. Good job. And the cartoon is perfect

    • profile image

      ralwus 7 years ago

      Hahaha, good T, I too have tried to think like him. Not hard really once you really get to know him. LOL

    • Pete Maida profile image

      Pete Maida 7 years ago

      Absolutely great! That's why I picked you as the hubber I would co-author a novel with.

    • profile image

      Janetta 7 years ago

      LOL thanks for the giggle :D

    • Not Telling profile image

      Not Telling 7 years ago from Eastern Nowhere

      Excellent work, Tom.

    • profile image

      J-Mae 7 years ago

      ROFLMAO!!!!!

      OH How I wish my father in law would read this. OHHHH this is good stuff ..PURE GENIUS!!!!!!

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks trooper22...devils food cake! :)

      Jewels....thanks...grins! :)

      Shadesbreath.....thank you. :)

      Pachuca13....thank you...gonna write more about old Scratch. :)

      Gypsy Willow...thank you. :)

      Hawkesdream....it was an accident! :)

      alekhouse...thanks...I love that cartoon! :)

      ralwus.....thanks...not hard at all. :)

      Pete...thank you.....writing with you would be very cool! :)

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

      You have worked this so well, that the religions are lining up for your advertising space. LOL

    • eovery profile image

      eovery 7 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

      I am very religious and you hit the nail on the head, directly. Martin Luther said the Church of Christ was no longer on the earth. Well, Satan got involved. The Bible says there will be an falling away, and in some translation it says apostosy.

      Will the full truth be on earth again?

      Keep on Hubbing!

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Janetta...thanks for the giggle! :_)

      Not Telling...thank you! :)

      J-Mae.....grins....in-laws! :)

      Paper Moon...LOL ...I love irony! :)

      eovery...good point...thanks! :)

    • shibashake profile image

      shibashake 7 years ago

      Shhhh Tom - you shouldn't be publishing all of your secrets for all to see. Next time use reverse Latin or at least Pig Latin ;)

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      shibashake....mums the word! :)

    • Dr. Larkin profile image

      Dr. Larkin 7 years ago from In the portrait of a madman

      Don't forget "The View". Only Satan could've been responsible for that.

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks Dr. Larkin........yes....absolutely! :)

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

      Find a bible collage? Get ye to school Satan! Rofl.

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Already got my GED.....God's Evil Demon! :)

    • fortunerep profile image

      fortunerep 7 years ago from North Carolina

      Great Hub!! and so true

      dori

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks fortunerep...yes...soooo true! :)

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks fortunerep.....so true indeed...grins! :)

    • profile image

      liminal 7 years ago

      The Devil you say! Very nicely done, great hub!

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      liminal....thanks...grins! :)

    • profile image

      Adam B 7 years ago

      Funny Stuff. I look forward to your other hubs.

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks Adam...going to read your stuff too. :)

    • lxxy profile image

      lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      I couldn't have said it better!

      Good VS Evil...as I believe your planet is what you make of it, heaven for many..hell for others, Satan is merely a representation of all of the bad actions, while God is the good.

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks Ixxy.....Good vs Evil......well said.

    • GmaGoldie profile image

      Kelly Kline Burnett 6 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

      This is delightful - and as one commentator aptly stated pure genius - it has been stated before but not with the color you deliver. I will share with my friends. Thank yoU!

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio

      GmaGoldie...Thank you...I think Satan is mad at me because I revealed his secrets...he refuses to friend me on Facebook. :)

    • bugslady8949 profile image

      bugslady8949 5 years ago from The Bahamas

      this is a great way you did to show how Satan uses religion to make people do his biding. you did a great job.

    • Tom Cornett profile image
      Author

      Tom Cornett 5 years ago from Ohio

      bugslady.....thank you....He tends to be where least expected...in a very subtle way.

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