In a Perfect World, Folks Would say What They Mean
How Many Times
have we all, or most of us, said, "if they had only been honest with me," after someone, maybe a shopper or employee at our favorite restaurant or department store does or says something that we instantly label as a bold face lie and "we deserve better, doggone it. For we are tax-paying Americans."
But we need to stop, take a breath, and really be honest with ourselves. Okay. I will do that now. Deep down inside "I" really do not want that employee or shopper to be completely honest with me for if he or she were completely honest, I would storm home in tears swearing to never darken the door of that establishment again. (Was that good enough?)
"Is the car that I just bought under warranty?"
Are you nuts, lady? Do I look like a reliable used car salesman? (Haw, haw) I am neither--reliable or a used car salesman. I am just an unemployed grocery store clerk who got fired thanks for being drunk on the job and I am just filling in for "Big Roy Eddie," the "King of The Used Car Dealerships."
NOTE: "I wanted to get this text in that talked truthful about used car salesmen." Kenneth.
Most Used Car Salesmen
- "Hey, you know that I will lie about everything on this car being good including the warranty that will mysteriously expire once you drive this hunk of scrap metal off of my lot."
- "Mister, I think you are a sucker for believing the ad that we ran in the paper this week saying how much you would save on our cars, but by the time I get though adding things to the cost of your car, you will see those savings go up in smoke."
- "I am going to give you my best sales pitch. This car has been owned by four gullible folks like you, but I will convince you that the car is a one owner. And I will also tell you a colorful lie about this one car being the best car on gas mileage of all the cars on this lot."
- "I will act like I am giving you a great deal, but truth is, I am about to take your shirt along with your savings and then some."
for a moment that we are all in the real world where people do tell the truth no matter their line of work or position in life. You up for this game? Okay. Let me warn you this is not your usual, civil, and peaceful parlor game.
I will preface each section of statements with the person and their vocation followed by their truthful statements and then we can do a personal inventory to see if we can really handle the real truth?
Preachers or Pastors
- "I always smile at you when I am up here preaching, but after the service, I feel a burning resentment toward you for being the occasional church member."
- "When the deacons give me my weekly paycheck, sure I nod and look thankful, but you know what? I cannot live on chicken feed."
- "I look concerned each Sunday morning for I wonder about those in my congregation who are abusing booze, drugs, committing adultery, and gambling are aware that The Bible is not a storybook and Hell is a real place."
- "Say, could you choir members sing some songs other than the ones people sing at funerals?"
- "I may look humble, but if you keep talking during my sermons, I am going to get "Riled-up Preacher" on your butt."
Citizens of Countries Where we Spend our Vacations
- "Hey, there, tourists. Did you just come to our country to rub our noses in how poor we are? Just look at your digital cameras around your necks, those new shirts and shoes, hey, this is sickening."
- "Yes, we residents of this Third World Country will act according to the law of doing unto others, but the first one who asks me which way is McDonald's will get smacked."
- "Do you think that I enjoy standing here like a doofus smiling while you snap one photo after the other?"
- "Honestly, "Mr. and Ms. Tourist," I know that the rule is to not drink the water here in my land, but please. Be our guests. I will even pump it for you."
- "I laugh at your corny jokes and make you feel at ease, but if you make one sudden move, my brother over there will let our herd of water buffalo loose and run over your sorry rumps."
Doctors, Surgeons, and Other Medical Professionals
- "Oh, sure. I will look concerned at your test results, but truth is, I have a date this afternoon to go to eat with my new blond receptionist."
- "Now to give you a shot that you do not need for I need to pad my bill that you will get in the mail then complain, but you still have to pay it for I am a doctor."
- "Open wide and say how much money you have in your checking account."
- "Why am I always late to see you? Well, buddy, that is for me to know and you to find out."
- "I will check you out, tell you a few things to help extend your life, but you do not know that the things I am telling you are from medical magazines in my waiting room."
Cattle Farmers and Pig Producers
- "Sure, we adhere to the highest standards of humane treatment of our livestock."
- "Did you say you paid too much for your last pound of ground beef? Well, "Ms. Shopper," I am doing my part in keeping the costs down by not feeding my cows all they want."
- "Is pork bad for your heart? Are you kidding me? When did you ever hear anyone's heart, or even your heart complain when you wolfed-down a huge BLT?"
- "You are going to love my sausage and bacon. Hey, I didn't tell you that I was a personal friend of the late Jimmy Dean."
- "Did you ask me if I loved what I do? You got that right! The getting up at 4 a.m. to feed my cows, the constant paperwork I have to file with the Department of Agriculture, and I could go on. I would work out here with my cows 24/7 if my wife would let me."
Couples Engaged for Marriage
- "Sure, baby, just point me to the kitchen and I will be as "happy as a hog in new mud."
- "Will I try to run you down and belittle you? Never! I am going to be a submissive wife."
- "Poker with the boys? Boys beer night? Are you kidding, hun-eee? When I say I do, those days are gone."
- "Hey, I will make the money and you manage it. Fact is, one thing that I hate is having a pocketful of money."
- "Do I love your mother? Hey, I have to remind myself that she is not "my" mom. Why don't we visit your parents as much as we can when we get settled."
(above) Grooms Inspiring to Make a Huge Success at the Insurance Business
- "I will quote you this low price on our most comprehensive insurance package, but after you make two payments, your monthly bill will mysteriously get more expensive and me? I will not be able to be reached."
- "Hmmm, is that roast beef I smell? Your wife sure knows her way around the kitchen, "Mr. New Customer." Oh, you are not married."
- "Just look at our company brochure and see how happy the people in these photos are after they buy huge amounts of life insurance. Actors? Hardly, my friend. These are real customers. I know. One of them looks like Alan Alda, but that's the insurance business."
- "Fine print? Do not make me laugh. Our company is the ONLY insurance company that does NOT have any fine print anywhere on any policy. Oh, those "little" words at the very bottom? Don't pay any attention to those. It is just the printer's way of letting you know that these policies were printed in a union shop."
- "Oh, why did it take me three weeks to get here to fill out your insurance claim? Well that's a touching story. I was on my way from our home office and when my plane landed, I was met by a homeless family who I had to drive to a mission downtown. Then our CEO called me to get back to the office for a high level meeting and talk about big. Friend, it was huge. The meeting was to inform us agents to tell our valuable clients if they can go at least two years WITHOUT a claim, we MAY cut them a cheaper rate."
Elementary, Middle School, High School Teachers
- "I look happy each morning for I am paid to look happy. Do you really think that I am over joyed at seeing you students with breakfast dried to your face and you half asleep? No, I am not."
- "I wish that one day, school would be canceled so I could take a one-day get-away to some place like Palm Springs where I would not have to put up with your whining and bickering all day."
- "So far I have been soft spoken and sweet to you, but today, I am having a bad case of PMS and if you ask what that is, I will bite your heads off."
- "I will assign you children a lot of work to do in class today, stuff that will not benefit you whatsoever after you graduate, then while you are working, I am going to the teachers lounge and take a two hour nap."
- "Do you kids know that from up here you look like a gang of fairyland trolls out to make my life miserable?"
Any Actor Winning the Oscar
- "I am going to say thank God and others, but I really do not owe anyone anything for this award but MYSELF. I only act humble so you will fork out more money to see me in my next film."
- "I am smiling because my agent and lawyers advised me to smile for if I were to be totally up front with you, I would tell you that I hate dressing up in this tux that came from a thrift store only to get an award that will go on a mantel in my den and the mere fact that I have to be on stage with my co-star who by the way, should take up a new line of work for he is surely not an actor. Thank you."
- "Did you see that lovely actress walk away from me when she introduced me to you? That is because she and I were having an adulterous affair up until a day or so ago and her husband walked in on us together in the buff playing poker."
- "Hey, I know that my last film was a flop, but that was no fault of mine. It was the ignorant writers, inept director and doofus of a producer."
- "Good night to all of you and I wish that I didn't have to get home so I wouldn't have to look at any of you anymore."
And thank you sincerely, for taking time to read my hubs. I am not just saying this to you.
Good night, Iuka, Mississippi.
© 2017 Kenneth Avery