ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Is God Sleeping in His Bed?

Updated on February 26, 2015

If I do not believe in him, would you judge me? If I lose my faith in him, could you blame me? I am neither an anti-christ nor an atheist but I just want to know whether he is always with me or not. I want to know where he is when it hurts.

Everyday is the same. Nothing is different. The bed I am sleeping in , the blanket I am using, the pillows and the pillow cases are all the same. The coffee I am drinking and the bread I am eating taste the same and though they supposed to be sweet, for my tongue they taste bitter. I feel like a robot. A robot with a heart, with a brain, with small and large intestines, with genitals and lungs but having these organs or whatever you want to call them doesn't make me feel like a real human being. Before I sleep at night, I tell myself if I would love to wake up in the morning again and then when I wake up, I ask myself if I want to sleep and wake up again and again and again. I have been doing this since the day I became curious about his existence and my existence. But, mind you, nothing had changed. I'm still walking the Earth feeling useless and miserable.

What's the point of living if I cannot do what I want, anyway? If I do not have the freedom? If I do not own my life and my body? "Everything is borrowed," that's what people say, "you are not your own". If that's the case then to whom do I belong? Who owns me? Am I a puppet? If I am not free to do everything I want with my life that means I am really a robot--automatic, pre programmed, remote controlled. What else do I have to say?

I am unholy, I know that. I am not into my religion. I do not go to church religiously. I do not even memorize prayers. I do not have a rosary in my pocket or a bible in my drawer. I do not pray the way devout people pray to him but I swear I talk to him all the time. I do not know if I can consider that as a prayer but I do talk to him every second. I know in my heart he is always there for me. I believe he would catch me whenever I fall. I know he will save me. I know he gave me the kind of life that I deserve. I know he answers prayers. I believe that no matter what kind of person I am, no matter how bad I am, no matter how crazy and irrational I am he will always be my ever loving FATHER and I will always be his beautiful DAUGHTER.

I do not have to see him just to believe him. I do not have to hear him just to talk to him. He doesn't have to shower material things on my roof or to make me the most popular freak and the prettiest b**ch in the world just to have a faith in him. I want to keep my faith and belief though it's slowly fading away. I want to love him with all my heart. I do not care if I die poor or broke. I do not care if I am destined to be a tramp or a vagabond. I will accept whatever he gives to me. There is no other god aside from him. He is my only GOD and I believe in him and in him alone.

God is not my religion He is what and who I am.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Valorie Esquilona profile imageAUTHOR

      Valorie Esquilona 

      5 years ago from Philippines

      Thank you! God loves us no matter what we see or believe Him to be.

    • jimagain profile image


      5 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      I like this. I've sort of 'been there, done that' when it came to faith. For a while I was a hopeful agnostic but that changed. Doubt, for me, was the path that led to faith.

      I think this is one of those things where you can't borrow someone else's faith. Faith is unique and individual as you are and what works for someone else won't work for you.

      Keep seeking! Jeremiah 29:13

      Good luck with your writing!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)