Is God Sleeping in His Bed?
If I do not believe in him, would you judge me? If I lose my faith in him, could you blame me? I am neither an anti-christ nor an atheist but I just want to know whether he is always with me or not. I want to know where he is when it hurts.
Everyday is the same. Nothing is different. The bed I am sleeping in , the blanket I am using, the pillows and the pillow cases are all the same. The coffee I am drinking and the bread I am eating taste the same and though they supposed to be sweet, for my tongue they taste bitter. I feel like a robot. A robot with a heart, with a brain, with small and large intestines, with genitals and lungs but having these organs or whatever you want to call them doesn't make me feel like a real human being. Before I sleep at night, I tell myself if I would love to wake up in the morning again and then when I wake up, I ask myself if I want to sleep and wake up again and again and again. I have been doing this since the day I became curious about his existence and my existence. But, mind you, nothing had changed. I'm still walking the Earth feeling useless and miserable.
What's the point of living if I cannot do what I want, anyway? If I do not have the freedom? If I do not own my life and my body? "Everything is borrowed," that's what people say, "you are not your own". If that's the case then to whom do I belong? Who owns me? Am I a puppet? If I am not free to do everything I want with my life that means I am really a robot--automatic, pre programmed, remote controlled. What else do I have to say?
I am unholy, I know that. I am not into my religion. I do not go to church religiously. I do not even memorize prayers. I do not have a rosary in my pocket or a bible in my drawer. I do not pray the way devout people pray to him but I swear I talk to him all the time. I do not know if I can consider that as a prayer but I do talk to him every second. I know in my heart he is always there for me. I believe he would catch me whenever I fall. I know he will save me. I know he gave me the kind of life that I deserve. I know he answers prayers. I believe that no matter what kind of person I am, no matter how bad I am, no matter how crazy and irrational I am he will always be my ever loving FATHER and I will always be his beautiful DAUGHTER.
I do not have to see him just to believe him. I do not have to hear him just to talk to him. He doesn't have to shower material things on my roof or to make me the most popular freak and the prettiest b**ch in the world just to have a faith in him. I want to keep my faith and belief though it's slowly fading away. I want to love him with all my heart. I do not care if I die poor or broke. I do not care if I am destined to be a tramp or a vagabond. I will accept whatever he gives to me. There is no other god aside from him. He is my only GOD and I believe in him and in him alone.
God is not my religion He is what and who I am.