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Maybe, But I Doubt It...

Updated on May 31, 2013

I sit at my computer, work finished for the day finally. It's now 11:45 pm on a Saturday night. He sits across the room at his computer, seemingly oblivious to my existence. At the same time, I am yearned for in some other place...

I've been here once before. Standing here again, I don't quite understand...I don't know what to do and I am paralyzed in the fear of action that may prove to have been the wrong thing to have done. Afterall, I have made more than my share of mistakes in the past. The “what ifs” leave a horrible taste in my mouth. I often question what I could have done to stop bad things from happening like deaths or accidents that brought great pain to my friends and loved ones. I'm only 36 years young...I'm not old enough to know so many deceased among my friends and old flames...I don't understand.

I don't understand why I have to feel everything so strongly all the time, why I just “know,” why my instincts are insanely ALWAYS on point. I certainly could've used this “knowing” a long time ago...Maybe I wouldn't have made so many foolish mistakes...

But, now that I know, I don't want to know.

Some days, I feel like my chance at a life of happiness died the day He left for Georgia. He took my heart with him and I never got it back. Now, his brown eyes are closed permanently and I'll never see that smile again.

Everyone keeps telling me, “there is someone for everyone.” Maybe so, but maybe I lost mine over 15 years ago...

Okay...

Maybe I'm being a little harsh, maybe there's someone else whom I can trust to confide my innermost secrets in, with whom just being is just natural, with whom there is never a question of trust, never judgment...There really aren't many of us in the world who live as we do. Truly a rare breed, we live under a fog of mystery and invisibility to protect our sanity and maintain some level of balance in our psyches.

When you feel everything around you; the music, the construction worker pounding a hammer down the street, a different feeling with every different color of glow stick that gets pointed at you, EVERYTHING, it is an insanity in itself. Many people call it a “gift.” However, sometimes to those who do not know life without it, this “gift” proves to be a nightmare in pretty wrapping.

Due to the fact that I personally have not learned to turn it off, I am physically, mentally and emotionally at war much of the time...The only way I survive is by flowing...

I wonder how many people actually pause to wonder what is going on with people around them. What are they thinking about? What decisions are they trying to make? Why is his smile so bright while she is looking like she just ate a whole sour lemon? I feel all of this going on around me. I “know” and I don't like it. I want to help everyone, but I have found out the hard way that that is just impossible. I have ran myself ragged, completely drained myself to try to help everyone around me...

The oddity here is that I find that at my lowest points, no one is there or, at the least, they can't really comprehend what is going on with me. I, myself, cannot comprehend what's going on initially...I have to go for the ride to fully understand myself again. I go into a reclusive state in which I attempt to avoid all outside forces, not because I don't love the people around me; but because I have to dig to find something important to continue along my path....I am a tool, it is my job to follow my path. No, I do not always know where I'm going. Sometimes everything just seems to be in a state of purgatory.

The only way that I can bring myself out of it is to learn that lesson, the lesson hidden deep inside of my Self. It is a seed that was planted there in the beginning of time...

It is my purpose.

I'm going in deep to expose it...To express what others don't dare to is my intention. To open eyes and awaken the "sleepwalkers" is my dream, my purpose, the reason I continue to try.

Please pay attention to all the warning signs going off around you. They and I are not just playing with you. Things have to change...Mother is calling us to action.

I'm sure I'll experience you somewhere along the Way...

With Love & Light,

Windy Grace

If you don't get this Hub, you weren't meant to. Carry on...

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    • VAMPGYRL420 profile imageAUTHOR

      Windy Grace Mason 

      5 years ago from The Eastern Shore of Virginia, Maryland and Delaware, U.S.A.

      Thank you, WiccanSage! I find myself not publishing quite a bit of my work...There is always an element of fear. Thanks again and Blessed Be.

    • WiccanSage profile image

      Mackenzie Sage Wright 

      5 years ago

      Wow, this is a riveting piece, quite profound and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

    • VAMPGYRL420 profile imageAUTHOR

      Windy Grace Mason 

      7 years ago from The Eastern Shore of Virginia, Maryland and Delaware, U.S.A.

      Thank you, Tom :) Sometimes I confuse myself lol In the end, it all gets figured out ;) Hope you're having a fine evening :)

      Love & Light,

      Windy Grace

    • justom profile image

      justom 

      7 years ago from 41042

      Windy Grace, I think you may be the most complex and interesting lady I've met here on HP. These words seem deep and haunting to me. I remember a lyric from years ago that said "Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now". Not always easy but good for the soul! Peace and Happiness!! Tom

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