My Catholic Christian Faith and Beliefs Undermined By Occasional Doubt and Confusion
I am Catholic and generally my faith is rather strong. I will be the first to admit that, in a number of ways, I am not a very good Catholic. Overall however, my core faith and beliefs tend to be quite solid. Lately however, I have been tormented by some doubtful thoughts that I will share. I really do believe, for reasons unbeknownst to me, that I am being made to suffer by some kind of dark force/s and wonder why.
I am well aware of the doubting Thomas thing per the Bible. In general, my faith is stronger than was Thomas' as I do not need to see or touch as I have faith and believe. Jesus said blessed are those who do not see but who still believe....or something thereabouts.
Here is one thought I've had recently that disturbs me. What if we just die and it is lights out...just blackness and nothingness? I had a minor surgical procedure a few months ago and chose to go under via anesthesia. The anesthesia was put into me by intravenous drip and I lost consciousness without even realizing it. From the time I lost consciousness to when I awoke it seemed I did not exist. When I came to, it was lights on -- as if I had been re-born. This experience made me wonder...what if there is no soul, afterlife, tunnel, heaven but instead, just nothing?
What if I am the same as the dead, bloated dear on the side of the road? When we drive by the dead deer do we think about the deer in terms of sin, god, heaven, etc.? Why am I more special than the deer? The Old Testament tells us we are made in God's image and were given dominion over the animals but...