My Curse - My Revelation
Is it a Demon or an Angel
There is a devil
That is no doubt
But is he trying to get in us or
Trying to get out?
It's 3:30 in the morning and I've just awoke from a deep sleep with a revelation of thought that I had to write down before I fell back back to sleep and forget about it in the morning.
For the past 35+ years, I've strongly felt that I had some kind of ancient curse, handed down through my family for generations and now passed on to me.
Not an inheritance I would wish on anyone.
Even though I was born in Canada, my heritage leads straight back to Ireland and as I'm sure you know, the Irish are well known for their curses.
Being a business man with an analytical mind, I always tried to figure out why so many bad things would happen to me for no apparent reason.
My mother always use to say to us growing up that her side of the family was cursed so I wondered if that seed was planted in my brain subconsciously over the years. Is it true or is it all in my mind? The never ending quest for some kind of an answer.
In the beginning, years ago, I would look deep inside, asking myself countless times, Is it me? Is it something I am projecting out there to cause all of these unfortunate things to happen to me?
I would actually orchestrate these elaborate tests in business and in my personal life just to see if it was me, to the point where everything was totally out of my control and then sit back and watch for the results. It never failed.
It felt like I was standing on a hill watching a storm roll in from a distance horizon and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
There has been many times were life has brought me to my knees in prayer, barely holding on to my sanity while trying to find the strength in my faith to carry on or to the point where I am screaming at the heavens in tears and frustration asking God,
Why me Lord? What have I done for you to hate me so
much? Why don't you just kill me and get it over with. You know I won't do it myself so why are you keeping me alive? Take me now, I'm ready, all the time hoping a bolt of lightning would strike me dead on the spot.
I know Christians out there reading this are saying: God Loves You but I can't help and think that if he does love me, he has a very strange way of showing it.
Don't get me wrong. I know you just have to look around to realize there are always people in this world going through a lot worse things than you and I are going through in our lives, at this moment.
I also realize that I have been blessed with a beautiful family and great friends but 35 years, give me a break. Convicted murderers serve less time than that.
I do find some peace in reading God's word, especially the Book of Job but that's only until the reality of the real world comes crashing through my door again.
I am sorry to say that there has been many times in my life where I honestly felt like God had forsaken me.
Even to this day I still jump at the ringing sound of those late night phone calls dreading to hear what the voice on the other end of the line is about to tell me.
It feels like some invisible and powerful entity is assigned specifically to my life for one mission and that is to create total chaos in my life. To keep knocking me down everyday just to see how many times I can get back up and fight one more round.
I could understand it easier if alcohol or drugs were an issue in my life but I am a very rare social drinker and I haven't even smoked a joint for many, many years, but I didn't inhale. lol
I never knew if this invisible force is trying to break my spirit to the point where it would try and force me to take my own life or to toughen me up in preparation for greater challenges ahead in my life.
Whatever the reasons, one way or another, after 35 years, I am ready to find out the answers, whatever it is. I understand now it has to be dealt with once and for all, if possible
Everything became very clear tonight or did it?.
As a matter of fact, that has been my motto for all these years after surviving countless, crushing blows and defeats that have knocked me senseless but to keep pushing forward, if not for me, for my loved ones.
I'd say to myself, OK T. Just One More Round. Get Up and Go Just One More Round. You still got a little fight left in you and the battle is not over yet. Get up and do it again. Just One More Round! You are still alive, although barely breathing, so you still got another chance to make things happen.
I can still hear that same haunting voice pounding in my head all those years screaming at me.
Get your butt up and fight damit. One more round.
I never knew if that was some kind of a sick joke to keep on torturing me or was actually God speaking to me, forcing me to hang in there, it will get better.
Whatever or whomever was the source, it worked. I'm still here, at least for this moment as I write this and I guess that's all anyone can really ask for.
Friends of mine who have known me all of my life, keep asking me: T. How do you do it? How do you keep getting up and fighting back after all these devastating events have happened to you that would drive a normal person to insanity or suicide. My answer to them is simple.
Fighting back is the only thing I know how to do.
Maybe it's the Irish spirit in me. Who knows but as long as I'm still breathing, I have to fight.
I don't want to be laying on my death bed with regrets of thinking that I didn't give it 110% on every level of my life. I cannot accept defeat. It's either achieve all the success in life that I feel I deserve or die trying.
For me, there is no settling for anything less but for countless others out there, hopefully reading this, that do not have any fight left in them or feel so beaten up that they can't even get out of bed in the morning, this is for you because believe me, I have been there many, many times and I know exactly what you are going through.
To start relaying the unbelievable amount of unfortunate and many times tragic events that have happened to me over my lifetime in this story, would take me another 35 years to write and is another story in itself but for reasons of time and allowable space, I'm just going to keep it brief.
It can get depressing as hell when you are constantly being beaten up physically, financially, spiritually or mentally. Where ever the source of pain is coming from, to put it mildly, it really sucks.
Now, I know for a lot of you skeptics out there reading this, it probably sounds paranoid or even a little crazy, maybe a whole lot crazy, but for the countless others that are experiencing the same feelings I have of being cursed, it is all to real to us that live with it day in and day out, month after month, year after year
Even trying to relay your thoughts and feelings to others about the curse you feel is attached to your life is difficult if not impossible to explain without them thinking you are losing your mind
Understanding and accepting the fact that there are powerful outside or inside forces controlling the destiny of my life is something I first had to accept myself because of all the facts involved but it never stopped me from always pushing towards success and peace in my life no matter how difficult the challenges were both personally and professionally.
I'm not saying I am there yet, far from it, but everyday I wake up optimistic that today is the day.
Today, another battle will be fought but I am going to win this battle. Today is my day. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.
I have learned over the years to only make my goals a daily habit that I can realistically achieve within the next 24 hours and I don't stop until they are done.
Planning anything a week, month or sometime in the future has become utterly useless for me.
I found that strategy just does not work no matter how much I would like them to happen but if I can plan my daily goals to coincide with my long term plans and get very, very lucky, which is rare, I know it just might happen like i planned.
I also always have a few back up plans that I can put into place immediately just in case what I'm working on doesn't come together like I planned.
I think if you live long enough, you come up with a system that works for you on every part of your day to day life. Maybe that's what they call, Set in your Ways, but hey, if it works for you, why change it.
I do have to admit, that strategy drives my partner nuts especially when it comes to planning vacations.
She likes to take care of all the details by checking out resorts, looking at flights times, what are good days on the calender to go etc.etc. etc. but me, I like to be spontaneous.
If there is an opportunity to take off for a week or two and the window is open to go, lets jump on a plane and just do it before that window closes because who knows what is going to happen by the time she wants to go. As they say, Shit Happens. Business trips are obviously handled a little different but everything else, I say let's just take off. I find it a lot more exciting but it drives her nuts. lol
When I finally came to the conclusion that there was definitely something powerful at work in my life, it gave me the ability to cope with it in my own mind and accept circumstances a lot easier.
That was a big one to deal with because it is an invisible force and it's hard to accept things if we can't see or understand them but for those of you who know how it works in your life, also know all too well what I am talking about. No matter what anyone tries to tell us, it is very real to us who know and understand that something powerful is at work, whether good or bad.
Now, lets get to the reason why I'm writing this article and the revelation I woke up with but before I begin I have to, very briefly, go back in time 35 years.
I'm almost done so please read on just a little bit more.
I grew up in a large Irish, Catholic family, 10 kids, with a lot of great memories. Church every Sunday, Caticizum every Saturday and confession once a week.
I never did quite understand what an 8 year old kid had to confess about but I did know that if I said 10 Hail Mary's, I was out of there.
Once a week Father Murphy would drop by the house warning us all what our punishment for sins would be. Nobody messed with Father Murphy, not even Mum.
One time my mother made one of my older brothers take me to to church for Ash Wednesday. I had no idea what it was but I did know that Mum wanted it done so off we went only halfway there, my brother decided not to go to church and headed in another direction to hang out with his friends.
I knew we were going to get in trouble so I went kicking and screaming all they way saying Mum is going to kill us if we don't go. Just to shut me up he took a cigarette and butted it out on my forehead then wiped the ashes on it so it looked like a gray dot the size of a dime. I assumed it had something to do with the Ash Wednesday ceremonies.
After I stopped crying he said that will work. By that time I was just praying Mum would believe it which she did until she notice the red burn on my forehead. I just said the ashes were hot and must have burnt my head. That was a close one. lol
I'm not one of these people that blame everything on their childhood. There were always struggles but there was always a lot of love, music, dancing and good times also.
Now I know for a lot of you out there that is not the case and there are some legitimate horror stories but that is not what this story is all about.
My problems started when I was around 17 years old.
My parents got divorced after 26 years so Mum, myself and two little sisters had to leave our family home and move into a small apartment.
My father worked up North and only came home on vacation for 2 weeks every year so I never really knew him. My mother basically raised 10 kids alone. As a parent myself, trying to raise two kids, it's a feat that boggles my mind to this day of how she even managed to do it alone but that is also another story to be told at another time.
Once we moved into the apartment, Mum went into a deep, deep depression which she never really recovered from right up to the time of her death 30 years later.
She was unable to accept reality or deal with day to day issues so I was left to bring up my two little sisters by myself, which is a challenge for anybody not only a mixed up 17 year old kid.
On top of that, the only real parent you have ever known is now mentally ill and cannot get out of bed or function on her own. It was a tough, lonely and confusing time and I had to get tough to deal with it. Playtime was over for me. No more kids games and having fun as a teenager. It was time to deal with a very harsh and brutal reality. It was time to grow up really fast whether I liked it or not.
The rest of my family by that time had moved on with their own lives and washed their hands of the entire episode hoping it would just go away or not interfere with their lives.
Some, for whatever reason, were just not in a position to help. It's an open wound that still festers within me for several of my older siblings to this day.
In my mind at that time, I couldn’t comprehend how some older family members just threw us out to the wolves after my mother sacrificed her entire life to provide a healthy, loving home for all of us and now they treated her like some bag of garbage you throw out on the street.
There are still a lot of unanswered questions to be told but if they ever will be, I don't know because most of them are getting older themselves and passing away taking their secrets to the grave with them.
The most frustrating part of that entire ordeal is that no one would tell me what was going on. All of a sudden we were out of our home where I was born and living in a small, cramped apartment
Whatever the reasons were, the reality was that it was just the four of us trying to survive on our own.
It's an all too common story that happens to millions of other families around the world everyday so I'm not going into any further details on that subject but that is when I became very angry with everything and everybody.
I got so bad that I was kicked out of school for always fighting and getting into trouble with the law.
I wouldn't let anyone into the apartment to see how we were doing. I felt like I was protecting us all but in reality, I was hurting us all.
My world was insane at home and out on the streets. There was no escape
I remember the feeling of relief so clearly when I finally realized that there was nothing I could do for my mother. She needed professional help so I had to let go and allow people in to help her. I just couldn't do it anymore. She was getting worse everyday.
My mother finally had to be institutionalized and my two little sisters were sent off to live with other family members.
By this time I just turned 18 years old and considered an adult so I couldn't get help anywhere or if there was help available, I had no idea of where to look or find it
I had very little education with no work experience or trade to fall back on. A very messed up kid full of anger.
None of the family wanted anything to do with me and even if they did, I wouldn't take any help from them so now I was all alone and homeless.
I started hitch hiking across the country thinking I could find work out in Western Canada because there was just nothing available in the Maritime Provinces were I grew up.
I ended up sleeping in the back of cars or anywhere I could find shelter and hopefully heat, literally starving to death with no food to eat for days on end. Many times I ended up having to steal food just to survive.
So many times I wanted to run back home but I had no home to run back to. Everything I knew was gone.
I would wake up in the middle of the night terrified and have no idea of where I was.
The nights were so lonely but when the sun came up, I was out on the road again feeling optimistic that something good would happen today.
The days felt like an adventure always wondering where the road would take me and what was just around the next bend but the nights were very sad, full of guilt and many unanswered questions.
It is a terrible, terrible feeling to be homeless and still haunts me to this day.
Even now, several times a week I find myself waking up from nightmares of being homeless and every dream is different but are all the same. I am living back on the streets, wondering around lost, looking for a home and family to take care of me.
It took me many, many years to understand where I got my drive and will to live from.
That answer also came to me in a dream. My ambition comes from my deep fear of not having a home and family. My faith and family is where I get my strength
I don't think anyone out there reading this can truly understand the feeling of being homeless unless you lived through it yourself but try to imagine being out in the bitter cold, wondering the streets with no food or place to sleep that night and it's getting dark out.
You are wondering around lost, seeing families in their windows as you drift by their homes watching them all curled up by the fireplace, laughing and enjoying supper while you have no idea of where you are going to sleep that night or even if you are going to survive the night at all.
I discovered that it's amazing how little food our bodies actually need to survive but the cold is a merciless killer.
There is one story about that time I would like to share with.
I remember one time I was hitch hiking in Northern British Columbia trying to find work at a mining camp I heard about in the Mountains and it was so cold I had every piece of clothing on me just to try and stay warm.
This guy in a truck picked me up and took me to a place called Tumbler Ridge were I thought I could find work but it was all unions hired out of Vancouver and I couldn't get in.
I was pretty optimistic when I first seen a huge sign on the highway going into TR.
It showed this vibrate looking new city being built but after I got in there, I discovered it was all thick forest with signs nailed on trees everywhere saying this is going to be City Hall in 5 years, this is going to be the school in 3 years etc. etc. but nothing was going on. It was all woods with the occasional truck driving through heading for the mine
So now here I was in the middle of nowhere, 90 miles in the woods with no sleeping bag, in the middle of winter in the Rocky Mountains and it's getting dark out really fast. Not a good spot to be i.
I found an old rusted, wrecked car on the side of the road which was going to have to be my shelter for the night. It had no windows in the doors and a bunch of springs for a seat but it was going to have to do.
Nothing was stopping the wind from blowing right through it so i gathered up some evergreen branches and piled snow up against them with a little hole at the top for smoke to get out then gathered some firewood. At least it gave me some protection from the elements.
I also had a big piece of tin foil, which they call a survival blanket, to stop the winds from blowing through my cloths and hopefully keep some of my body heat in but it offered very little help.
I managed to build a little fire inside the car which kept me from freezing to death but I'll tell you, that was one of the longest & coldest nights of my life.
No food, little heat and 20 degrees below zero. I remember in the middle of the night laughing to myself wondering how the hell did I get myself in this situation.
Then these waves of emotion would flow through my mind and body as my thoughts drifted back to happier times of growing up in a large, happy family environment, and then back to the reality of were I was now.
What happened to me? How did I end up here? Why was I being punished. I knew I wasn't a bad person. My mother instilled a lot of love in me and compassion for others but here I was, freezing and starving to death in an old wreck car, in the middle of winter, deep in the Rocky Mountains.
What a long, lonely night but it was also the night that motivated me to get an education.
While I slipped in and out of consciousness that long night in the mountains, my mother's words about her side of the family being cursed kept creeping into my thoughts.
It was the beginning of my quest to find answers but I had no idea of where to begin or how it would end. All I did know is that I had to survive the night and get out there knowing that feat alone would take all my will power.
You have no idea what a relief it was when I finally seen the morning sun peaking up over the mountains. I remember getting out of the wreck, looking up at the mountains and thinking to myself. You haven't killed me yet!
Although I came close to death that night, I also felt that I was reborn and God gave me another chance to go back and seek the truth. I knew my journey was only now about to begin.
I became a dedicated student of human nature and was determined to experience and have everything life had to offer.
Now I just had to figure out how to get the hell out of there
I obviously survived the night and was picked up by a traveling tractor salesman that same day who was amazed to find me out there and even more amazed I was still alive.
I remember barely finding the strength to climb up into the cab of his truck and close the door. He started asking me questions like who I was and what the hell was i doing out here but the heat from the truck felt so good and I felt so thankful just to be alive that I passed right out.
Two days later I woke up in some strange bed that looked like it was in an old farmhouse with a a woman wiping my face with a warm cloth. As I opened my eyes she greeted me with a big beautiful smile and said, I see you are back amongst the living. I'll never forget those words.
They knew my name and were I came from by the few pieces of ID I had on me but they had no idea of how I ended up lost in the mountains 5000 miles from home.
I was so physically and mentally exhausted at the time that I couldn't find the strength to answer their questions.
They never pushed it either, which I really appreciated because it just felt so good to be in a warm bed with a hot meal in my belly. I just wanted to sleep.
Once I was up and around, I told them that I was very grateful for their kindness but I was also becoming a burden on them so I would have to move on.
I know they wanted me to stay and were worried about this lost kid wondering around the mountains by himself in winter but I was too restless to stick in one spot at that time so I was back on the road only this time heading South where the winter wasn't so brutal
They packed me up a big lunch, washed all my cloths, gave me a few bucks for the road and drove me back out to the highway where we said our goodbyes.
I remember the look of sadness and concern on that mothers face as she watched me walked away. Being a parent myself I can now understand why
The one thing I did discover on the road during that time is that there were still some very good people out there which gave me new hope and the strength to keep moving forward in my quest of finding a home and family of my own.
What a wonderful family and I am forever grateful to them for saving my life, whoever they are.
Many times during my journey I was asked countless questions about myself but realized that it was easier to just lie or simply run away than to try and explain my past and how I ended up here. It was too complicated and just too painful to relive it over and over again.
That is only one small part of a long, tough journey spread over many, many years, which is still very difficult for me to talk about because it takes me right back to those times and I can still feel that cold wind blowing right threw me but I believe now that it is a story that has to be told.
These days I just shake it off and say that it "Built Character" but those memories are still very fresh in my mind and in some ways I'm glad they are. It's my motivation to keep pushing forward no matter what life throws at me.
I've also come to realize that no matter how successful you become, it can all be taken away in an angel's breath. The only thing we really own in this life is our ability to make our own decisions and live with the consequences whether good or bad
The sad thing is that although I did survive and built a life for myself, there are still thousands of kids out there going through the same thing and why, especially in such a wealthy country as Canada but it is a sad fact.
One of the goals in life I made that night in the old wrecked car was to some day buy back the old house where I grew up and donate it to charity. A home for lost children and dedicate it to my mother.
I believe all things will be revealed in time so I patiently wait for answers hoping someday they will reveal themselves but in the meantime, life goes on and the bills keep coming in.
As time went by and more bizarre events would happen to me, the more frustrated and angry I became. It was an on going vicious cycle that I had to somehow get under control because if I didn't, It felt like my head was going to explode.
I became very physical during those years, jogging for miles and miles every night through the city streets at night so I could burn off enough energy and frustration just to get some sleep.
I also knew I had to work on my attitude because i had a massive chip on my shoulder mostly caused from the lack of education and the challenges that go along with it.
I knew it was holding me back from getting ahead so I began spending countless hours in the library reading everything I could get my hands on that interested me.
Business, marketing, economics, psychology, oceanography, physiology, astronomy, theology, mathematics, geography, physics and especially history. I discovered that by understanding history, you can almost predict the future
The public library system became a place of comfort for me. A safe haven where I could rest, keep warm and educate myself while trying to figure out where I was going to find my next meal and stay that night, which is why I am such a big supporter of them all today.
With the onset of the Internet and computers, books seem to have taken a back seat in our entire educational system which is truly unfortunate because there is nothing like the feeling of opening the cover of a great book.
Just the smell, it's history and feel of the material it's made out of is an experience not to mention the library itself.There is just so much knowledge sitting on those shelves and it's all free for the taking
The power of the written word, in my opinion, is mankind's greatest achievement.
I felt like a sponge soaking up knowledge, hungry to learn and after everything I've been through up to that time, my mind was very open and anxious to receive it all.
I wanted to know how the world worked and how to deal with people. I understood it was imperative if I was ever going to get off the streets and make a life for myself.
The hardest and most complex thing to overcome was my attitude. It took me many years to deal with that issue but fate led me to a retired, old Scottish pastor who showed me how to open my heart through spirituality.
He was one of the kindness and wisest men I have ever known. He taught me that true strength comes from faith and if I couldn't build a personal and loving relationship with God, I would be lost forever.
It was a tough pill for me to swallow after everything I've been threw but I did learn my greatest lesson through all those years of struggles and that is humility. Unfortunately forgiveness of others is still something I struggle with to this day
I was also very lucky to find some great mentors along my path who taught me business, marketing and how to effectively deal with people.
For many years though I carried that anger around my neck like an anchor, weighing me down and preventing me from having any kind of personal relationship.
I met a lot of wonderful and beautiful woman over the years that I knew truly loved me but I was so insecure with myself that I knowingly sabotage almost all of them. I was building a thick wall around me and wouldn't let anyone in. I was very cold and felt dead inside
I didn't trust anybody but as I grew older and my mind was maturing, I came to better understand how life and society really worked. That's when I began building my own businesses and started my own family. I learned how to deal with the anger and have some peace in my life which opened me up to relationship.
I knew if I didn't get it under control, it would destroy me, my family and every good thing around me.
I know right about now someone is thinking, why didn't you try some kind of an Anger Management Program or go talk to a professional and to be honest, I tried them all.
It runs a lot deeper than some so called expert quoting to me from a book in psychology can answer. Whatever the source, it is an ancient force, extremely powerful and no therapist or psychiatrist is trained to handle this type of situation no matter what any of you reading this may think or believe in.
Today, my friends and family know me as a loving father, devoted family man, as well as a respected business and community leader but that does not mean that the curse has been lifted. I'm just better at reacting to it's effects a lot more efficiently.
I do have to admit, It has provided me with a very think skin over the decades to the point where very little upsets me anymore or throws me off my game, which I do not know if that's a good thing or bad thing.
It's just become a part of my life now. Like an athlete living with the pain of broken bones, I've learned to deal with my pain in my own way but I can never accept it to be permanent so I keep fighting while trying to stay strong physically, mentally & spiritually.
I do get frustrated but shake it off very quickly. I feel now that as long as my family is safe, I can handle just about anything.
It's funny but as I right that comment, in the back of my mind, I pray I won't be punished by this entity for saying it. That has been a part of it's pattern over the years
I have learned to focus all that negative energy into positive things but that does not mean I still don't believe the curse is lifted. Far from it.
The one thing I have learned to enjoy are the small victories along the way, in between the battles.
Even it's for just a moment or a day, a small victory
is time to thank God, go to bed that night and sleep in peace but believe me,
those times are very, very rare in my life. I could probably count them all with one hand
When my partner and I first met, I would cautiously talk to her about the curse and she would politely dismiss it trying to keep me positive and focused, which was a good thing but if you ask her today what she thinks after seeing years of unbelievable events occurring in my life, she too now believes that there is some unexplainable force at work and she is a highly educated, rational woman.
It is a source of amazement to her but a constant source of bewilderment and frustration for me.
Anyway, over the years I have discovered outlets that would bring a lot of peace in my life. Getting back into the forest for long walks with my dog always grounded me. Riding my Harley, sailing, jogging, hiking in the mountains, scuba diving, ski diving, etc. etc.
You name it, I'm game to try it. I do enjoy the pure adrenaline rush of extreme sports. There's nothing like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane at 12,500 ft and falling at terminal velocity to put everything into perspective in your life.
Nothing really matters in life when you are watching that ground rushing towards you at 120 mph. Try it sometime. I guarantee it will put everything into perspective real fast for your life too. lol
In other words, anything that forced me to be physical and outside in the fresh air gave me peace in my life.
Helping those in need by doing volunteer work also brings me a lot of joy but unfortunately, it does not pay the bills. No matter what you are going through in your life, the power and phone company, along with many other creditors, still want their money every month. There is no mercy there.
I'm not saying any of these suggestions are a permanent fix because society, business, the Government, family, bills and the human race in general, just to name a few, brought me a lot of frustration on a daily bases, as it does with all of us but being outside and physical or helping others kept a balance in my life that enabled me to continue pushing forward every day by managing my anger.
As a matter of fact, whenever I talk to anyone who is going through a real tough time, I suggest to them, if physically possible, to go outside in the fresh air and do an extremely hard days work. I don't care if it's digging a ditch for a day but just do it for one day and see if you feel the same way when you are done. Go sweat it out. It will work miracles if you give it a chance.
I'm also not saying that it will solve all your problems either but nature has a way of clearing your mind and putting everything back into perspective. It takes you away from the stress of day to day struggles and enables you to reflect on your life at a distance, from the outside looking in. You will find a lot of answers to your questions when you get back to nature.
Let me be honest by also saying one more time that none of these things I mentioned got rid of my anger and frustration because this so called curse that I feel I have, even now, still works consistently everyday on creating chaos in my life but sometimes, in our dreams, that doorway in our mind is unlocked and opens us up to the universe by offering you it's ancient wisdom if we can only listen to what it is trying to tell us and interpret it's meaning.
Tonight it spoke to me very clearly and I listened
Here is the revelation I woke up with.
My Anger is my Curse.
The curse and my anger are one in the same. The same entity. It is the demon that lives within me destroying everything around me if I allow it to control my life. I have got to permanently find a way to get rid of the anger that silently rages deep within me. It is my only path to peace.
These are the words that came to me in my sleep as clearly as if you were standing in front of me saying them right now.
Ok, here comes the side of me that tries to rationalize it all, in order for my brain to try to understand and deal with it somehow.
My anger is my curse? What the hell does that mean? The F____ing curse gets me angry.
If I can get rid of the curse, I get rid of my anger. It's feels like a catch 22 and it still offered no easy answer except the feeling that somewhere in the midst of that spiritual message lies the answer
As I continue to try and analyze the dream in my mind over and over again, I ask myself, You mean this feeling of constant frustration and anger is an actual entity living inside me and has the power to manifest itself and control events happening outside of my life?
Circumstances that haven't even manifested themselves yet or people that I haven't even met? Come on... Give me a break. Hard to believe! or is it?
Is it possible that there are invisible forces all around us with that kind of power and if so, why me?
Am I part of a chain of future events that has to be played out in a certain order but maybe I am too pig headed to go with flow so it forces me to stay on some kind of a chosen path?
Hell, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure this shit out but now it forced me to ask myself another question.
Is it a curse or is it a gift?
Was I being chosen for something so powerful that whatever forces are at work, are also manipulating time and events to ensure it all unfolds as planned (destiny) but if so, Who, What, Where, When and Why is controlling it and for what reason?
Questions I may never know the answer to in my lifetime but if that being the case, Is it me, one of my kids or somewhere in my family tree, generations to come?
The one thing I feel the dream did confirm is that something powerful is definitely at work in my life and who am I to say what is possible and what is not. After all, who am I ? No one special. Just another human being trying to get by in life
A mere mortal made of flesh, blood and bone. Who am I to question or doubt anything about things we can or cannot see around us but I'll tell you, after all of these years of torture, I am open to try and understand anything from whatever source it comes from.
I do know that I will never live a happy, peaceful and fulfilled life unless I totally eliminate the anger I have in my heart and accept circumstances for what they are and for whatever reason, make peace with it instead of trying to fight it everyday
The question now is: How do I do it? It is a never ending cycle. The more bad and terrible things happen to me, the more frustrated and angry I become but now I wonder is it because I try to fight it so much? Sometimes it feels like that anger is what gives me the strength to keep moving forward. I've had it for so long that it's all I know that keeps me alive.
More unanswered questions!
Maybe I should just go with the flow and see where it takes me instead of me charging through life in my own direction like a bull in a China shop.
The problem now and probably always has been, is me.
I still have that hot, Irish blood burning through my veins and human beings have a way of pissing me off but I'm working on it
The greatest benefit I have found so far is writing it all down. That has helped me unload some of it's weight, hoping someone out there reads it and has some kind of a solution or suggestions.
By putting it out there hoping someone else will read it and talk to me about their situation, gives me new hope and hope is something that gives me strength but it has been extremely difficult to get to this point because I have been fighting this battle for so long by myself.
The most frustrating part about it is that I cannot see who I am fighting with. Not being able to identify my enemy. It feels like some invisible coward afraid to show itself to me because it knows it will be defeated if it does so it hides in the shadows playing havoc with my life.
I know now, thanks to a comment from a person named Mia, that the next step is to actually go back to the beginning and start documenting everything I can but I am having a difficult time getting started because it is like reliving it all over again and I do not want to go backwards.
At least I know that I am not alone and realize that the story has to be told to help those that are suffering and feel like they are all alone in this war like I have been for all these years. Unfortunately it is not over yet. The battle continues everyday.
......As I continue to add to this article weeks and months after my dream, I still have absolutely no idea of how to proceed because nothing has really changed. Everyday, strange events continue to plague my life but I am slowly letting it all go and I have to admit, I am finding a little more peace in my life.
The dream is also teaching me to stop pushing forward so hard if some new venture or relationship is not showing some positive signs right from the beginning.
In the past, if something got me excited enough that I wanted to make it happen, I would plow straight through it no matter what challenges were forcing me to stop or signs showing themselves at every corner telling me that I am on the wrong path.
Sometimes to the point where it would be months or even years before I had no choice but to give it up and let it go.
These days, if I don't see some kind of a positive sign that I am on the right track during the beginning, i shift gears on a dime and go in another direction. The path of least resistance.
It seems like if something is meant to be, then everything falls right into place like clockwork so now I look for those positive signs with every new opportunity and go with the flow.
In other words, if my instincts are telling me something good or bad in my personal or professional life, I now listen very carefully to what they are trying to tell me whether I can understand their message or not and I react to the situation based on those powerful, ancient feelings.
They always seem to be right and can I trust them to always speak the truth. I just pray I find the wisdom to hear them clearly and decipher their true meaning in time.
I must admit, It has sure made my life a lot easier to live with because you know what they say about beating your head against the wall? It feels really good when you stop. lol
I'm not saying this is your situation. I have no idea what you are going through and I wish I had a magic pill to help you here but I don't and I don't believe there is a simple answer.
All I do know is that if you are going through some of these same feelings or situations, you have to look for answers and you have to start now. It is a vicious cycle that will continue to grow if not somehow dealt with head on.
I don't know if it's someone or something that has got control of your life. I know it may or may not be hard to put a finger on it but I do know that if we don't work at making those changes now, 5, 10, 20 years from now, we will be in the exact same situation or worse.
Only you know the answer to that question because everyone has a different
story but I know now that we have to try and identify what the problem is in our life and take steps to rip it out or it
will destroy us if we let it. I know it won't be easy but it is the first step in the healing process.
I don't know about you but I just want some peace in my life.
To be able to tear down this impregnable fortress I’ve built up around me over the years, protecting me from the outside world and just let go.
I've worked very hard for it and I deserve it. I've done my time and it was hard time but now it is also time to be released from the prison this curse has built around me, if I only knew how to do it.
If you have any stories you would like to share with me, I would love to hear about them just to know that I am not all alone in this battle. Maybe the solution is out there which is why I'm writing this.
Thank you for listening to my story.