My Conversations With God
Pictures, Scripture and songs
From the time I was a small girl, I've always wanted to know more about God. My parents would tell you I was 'saved' and 'baptized' when I was eleven but I think i was doing that more for 'show' than for anything really personal. However, when I turned 15, I read a book that changed my heart forever. I don't know why this specific book really intrigued me, but I guess it was my 'time' to get serious with God and so I was told by the elders in the Baptist church I needed to be baptized again so I obeyed. The event was sincere but being that I didn't have any parents to raise me (see my testimony), the rebellion in me overtook any 'small voice' from God that I might have been hearing back then. I vascilated back and forth between loving God and following Him and wanting to be loved by others, and therefore always making mistakes.
I think God must have finally gotten tired of 'tapping me on the shoulder' and not getting any response. He would do things to get my attention and even though I noticed and was very thankful and humbled, I always went on my way as though it was an ordinary event. I remember one time sitting in the front yard of my home when I was 22 years old. I was having a short conversation with God and I thought to myself, 'it would be so nice if it would sprinkle rain right now'. Within five minutes of time, I felt drops of rain fall onto my head even though there wasn't any clouds in the sky. I sat there in disbelief and shrugged it off as though I were imagining it. I couldn't even fathom the thought that God would love me enough to go out of His way to do something that huge for me!
In September of 1991, I was alone in my kitchen one day and while attempting to write a hateful letter to my ex-husband concerning his lack of support for the children, God showed up! Not physically of course, but if you are familiar with Scriptures, it was a 'Saul/Paul' experience for sure. He basically showed me how much He really loved me and that He had been with me through all of my horrible experiences in life and that He would be by my side forever and I didn't need to worry anymore. I know that sounds simple, but it really was much more than that. His love came into my heart (isn't there a song that goes like that?) and from that point on, He was the 'love of my life' and I was devoted to Him as my Father/Daddy. From that very day, I took every Word He spoke in the Scriptures as 'truth' and didn't doubt anything in what I read. Through the years, God has been speaking to me through visions, dreams, Scriptures, pictures, songs and even directly. He would guide me with Scriptures or pictures when I would ask the Holy Spirit what 'Daddy' wanted me to know about someone I happened to be dating at the time. Sometimes I would listen and do what I was told and other times I didn't, and I always ended up regretting it.
Then, there were times that God has talked to me 'out of the blue' when I didn't expect it. One day I was feeding my four Saint Bernard dogs outside. After putting down their bowls separately from one another (so they wouldn't each others' food) I walked over to the opposite side of the house to refill their water bucket. While I was over there, I specifically heard God speak to my spirit and say 'Wait and watch to see which dog will come to you'. I thought for sure it would be Max, the only male, because he was more loving than the girls. But, after about thirty seconds, Macy, one of the girls, came over to me and licked my hand. Then, God said to me, ' Macy has left her food, knowing fully well that the other dogs will eat it. She chooses to be with you more than even eating to keep her alive. Her love for you is an example of how much you love me. I know that you would give up everything for Me. I want you to lead her back to the other dogs so that she will eat.' Immediately, upon hearing this, I started crying, because of the deep love I felt for God and just the fact that He acknowledged that love was overwhelming to me. I did as He told me and walked Macy back to where the other dogs were. Surprisingly they hadn't touched her food. I led her to her bowl and told her to eat, but she wanted nothing to do with it. Then God said to me, 'you have to go inside and get behind the curtain where she cannot see you. Otherwise she won't eat her food'. So, again I did what He told me to do. I went inside and peeked outside the curtain where she couldn't see me. She waited for a few seconds, and then, realizing I wasn't coming back out, she trotted back to her bowl and ate heartily. God then said to me, 'Just as you had to hide behind these curtains, I have to hide myself from you because I know that if I were to reveal myself to you, you would end your life to be with me'. I must hide from you in order for you to live a normal life here on earth.'
That happened in 2003 and even though God has spoken to me in other ways and other times, that one was the most prevalent to me. I cried for hours after that because it meant so much that He acknowledged my love for Him and yet, I was also crying because I knew that meant that He was going to become 'less and less' visible to my spirit because of that love.
Since then He has given me visions and dreams and His Spirit will give me an answer to a question when I specifically ask for one. One time, in particular, I was laying in bed, ready to fall asleep and talking to God in my mind. I asked Him if He was pleased with me or what He wanted from me at that time in my life. Usually I get a pretty quick answer, but this time, I didn't get one for quite a few minutes. In fact, I was falling asleep, thinking that I didn't get an answer at all. I thought He must be mad at me for something I did wrong. However, right before I fell to sleep, I saw 'Psalm 91'. I didn't remember it, until I was listening to my husband reading the Psalms the next morning during our devotional time. He was reading Psalm 84 and it immediately got my attention. I remembered the words 'Psalms 91' so I asked him to read it to me. I had never read that one before. The only Psalms I was familiar with was Psalms 23 and Psalms 37:4. My husband then started reading:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”J3 Surely he will save you
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Tears started flowing with the first verse. I couldn't believe God felt that way about me. It even made my husband cry as he read it. He said, 'It makes perfect sense to me and this verse is perfect for you'. I was so humbled and so grateful and full of love for my 'Dad' in Heaven.
There have been times when I am busy doing house work or concentrating on something busy, I get a song in my head out of nowhere. At first it would be a hymn. The funny thing is that I hardly remember any hymns and I never liked them the few times I would go to church as a child. I detest them even today if I hear them sung with an organ or piano. It just reminds me of 'religion' and it's so boring. But I knew when a hymn would come into my head, it was 'Dad' trying to get my attention. I would always laugh when they would come to mind, and I could feel Him smile, because He knew how much I didn't like them. But He would always pick one with a title that had a message He wanted to convey to me at the time. Then, after a while, He would start putting secular songs in my head, 'out of the blue' and again, the titles and/or verse He would put in my head had to do with either His love for me or He was trying to tell me how sad He was that I wasn't giving Him any of my time and that He was heartbroken because He missed me.
I have to admit, that as each year goes by it seems like I'm playing more and more with the 'toys' He has given me to play with over the years. I hear His voice less and less and it breaks my heart. I know the reason why He chooses to 'stay behind the curtain' but I've begged Him to give me a morsel or a crumb here and there to keep me sustained until it's time for me to go Home. We've always had such a close relationship, and I think it's because I lost my earthly father when I was 15.
My daddy was my whole world and God took his place in my heart. I rest in His lap just as I did my own earthly dad. I hang onto His leg and giggle while He walks with me because I don't want to let Him go. My heart will always love Dad more than my husband, more than my kids, grandkids or anything on this earth. How did I get that way? Sometimes, I think He put that love in there, but for what reason I don't know why He chose me. Maybe because He says in His Word that He will be a father to the fatherless.
I don't think I'm anything special. But He does remind me in the small times when I'm playing with my granddaughter that the love I have in my heart for her comes from the love He has in His heart for me. I do get nuggets that remind me of His love here and there time and again. I just thank Him everyday for the life He's given me, regardless of my health problems and that I am ready to go Home anytime He's ready.
I trust His Heart even though I can't feel His hands around me. Dad always knows what is best - He always has.