My journey from devout Christian to Agnostic
Coming out to know the truth
It’s been a while since my last hub, I have been busy studying and have not come with something I wanted to write about, but in these last years I have come to the conclusion that the concept of God cannot be proven to exist, or more specifically it cannot be known if it exists or not (I use the pronoun “it” because right now I am not sure what the concept of God is, if it is a living presence, an inanimate essence, or simply plain, an invention.
Let me begin with my story from being a person who feared the Christians’ God to someone who is now agnostic and has a lot in common with atheists, except that I cannot confirm or prove that the concept of deities is a lie. As a child I was raised in the Protestant faith, and went mostly to Evangelical and Presbyterian branches of the church. Even as a kid, I was never able to get really along with other Christian fellows. They always treated me different and I even saw some bullying, in the form of them ignoring me, being mean to me, and overall I felt alone. In an incident, a Biblical school teacher fell after tripping over my feet, which was an accident, and she looked at me, very angry, even after I apologized and she told my parents, who scolded me after the incident. That was my first bad experience I can recall.
As a kid I did not really paid much attention to the environment of falsehood and hypocrisy around me, and I generally created an image of Christians as the most trustable and the best people I could find (now I think exactly the opposite), and as the typical Christian, I tried to make friends within the Christian environment, prayed for a Christian girlfriend, even using dating sites to aid me with that, but to no avail. I am no longer looking for girlfriends, but the prayer for one never came to pass. I will write more about prayers later.
My father was humiliated in front of the church, by the pastor, when she interrupted him and told him to sit. After that, he began a process in which he ended distrusting Protestants although he is not agnostic like I am, or atheist. In my case, I kept going to church and as I ended up going alone, and I was getting older and thus began a process of analyzing and reasoning about all this situation, I still was unable to hit with other Christians and the few I knew began to display a pattern that ended in my departure from church and Christianity: first being nice, polite and friendly, second trying to know more about you, then show up their defects and finally getting away, be it by no making any more calls, ignoring you, or deleting you from Facebook. The pattern is almost the same; it is mainly from being nice to betrayal at the end.
The thing is that along with them, came a process of questioning, doubts and thoughts that when shared with these people, it accelerated my process of becoming non-religious. This means I did not stop being Christian when I left church but when I began the process of reasoning about different religions and getting unconvincing answers from Christians, some who were rude, intolerant and arrogant. I think I have written about this in previous hubs so you can refer to those hubs on this topic.
Finally, my life- I think I am a good man. I have never betrayed anyone, have never cheated on a woman (never have had any girlfriend in the first place), I have never stolen anything or been drunk, I have never done anything that society feels ashamed of me, and yet I have seen no formidable reward in my life- the so called “do things right and good thing will come to you” has not happened. I lost two jobs, never got a girlfriend, people have betrayed me, most of my extended family has never got along with me (since being a kid) and I have been misjudged and talked against behind my back. I have seen in the news of good people end up bad, I have seen how bad people who do all the stuff I mentioned before end up being extremely successful. I prayed to God so my life could become better, when I was struggling in my second job I prayed and even tried to feel calm and declared that nothing would happen- I had to quit the job before ending up fired.
Yes, some of you may be reading this and say “well sir, it looks like you are the problem”. So, apparently I have tried to be as good as I can be, and some of the people that know me can give faith of my character, but even with that “I’m the problem”. You see, people are as they are, and now that I am agnostic I really don’t care what society says about me, how they misjudge me or tell lies about me. What concerned me is that some of the people who do it are the so called followers of Jesus.
In the last years I have gotten way better with seculars and non-believers, while I am trying hard to get away from Christians, especially Protestants. I don’t trust them anymore. In different posts I have read how they talk against Muslims, against non-Christians, against atheists, how they work hard to stick with homophobia and judgmental mindsets, and how they harshly condemn and judge suicidal people just because of their convenient and hypocrite interpretation of a book that has proven to be no better than any other book.
For a person who is agnostic and who believes that religious gods are human inventions to 1. Not feeling alone and 2. Not feel responsible for their actions and justify their human “sinful” nature, especially with the salvation by grace stuff, talking with Christians who are way fanatic to their beliefs, it is hard now, and I cannot do anything but wonder why so many people my age or older are still blind to the harsh truth: there is no God that intervenes with humans, or who answers prayers, this is all about luck, no good guarantees reward, and no evil guarantees punishment; some bad people will be successful and die successful, some good people will suffer, life is unfair, and there is nothing beyond human justice, which is corrupted. If we want to be moral and ethical is because we want to feel good helping others, but that does not mean we will not face havoc in our lives; some bad people are caught and punished, some are not, especially those who are in high positions of power. There is no heaven, or hell, and if there is a god, it looks like it is totally independent of the stuff happening in our world.