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Aliens Don't Look Like That!

Updated on March 11, 2013

Part 1 of a FANTASY Series

I’m a Cab Driver. It’s a job I’ve gotten used to. I have a resume and a past, but for 5 years I have picked up hurried executives bound for The Brown Palace, numerous parties headed for Vail and Aspen, and other passengers notable only because they have engaging conversational skills. I don’t know why I stay with Taxis, I just do.
On this last Sunday night, I was waiting for what I hoped would be my last customer. I was guessing that I had served my last tonight, dropping them off at Lo Do to drink, after a Rockies game.

Then I looked in my rear view mirror. In the light of the setting sun, I saw an elegant female. Her outfit which was a white luminescent suit that looked like one thousand crushed diamonds were stuck to the supple fabric. Mostly it looked like a ski outfit. The kind you never go skiing in. The kind you just sit around in the après ski, just knocking everybody out with your royal poise.

I was actually going to stop her to tell her I would get her out of this part of town, when three abandoned homes blew up, sending flames and rays into the skies. Grinding metallic sounds and rapid fire rays were blasting skyward. Of course, it yanked my head over, and she was standing there next to my Cab.

Curiously, she did not turn. Every rat, cat and junkyard dog, homeless person and cop in the neighborhood turned their head. But she didn’t. She just stood there. I got out of my Cab.

“You were going to ask to help me, but after that conflagration, you just want me to sit in your vehicle to get shelter.”

“Yeah.” I said like an automaton. “What you said.”

“I Know I am Exceedingly Beautiful to Male Human Eyes.”

She had jet black slightly curving hair that dropped down around her chin. She walked right up in front of me. We were sharing the same air, since the air in the neighborhood was still being burnt by the fire. We were using the local oxygen quickly. She looked deeply into my eyes. I swear you could swim in her dark Irises. Being a man. I wanted to just touch her cheeks. But my hands were trembling.

“I know I am exceedingly beautiful to male human eyes. If we can sit in your vehicle. It’s about to get very noisy around here. Yes, even noisier than it just was.”

Of course, I proceeded slowly with great haste. By that I mean, I did not peel out. But I was on I70 West bound in two flicks of a lamb’s tale. I worried little about speeding because, all of the emergency vehicles in town were headed in the opposite direction. I heard more noise and in my rear view mirror, I saw a great dark red and black cloud of smoke.

“I will reward you with a trunk full of your capital if you can get me to the Center of Nevada. You see, in order for me to go “under the radar” as you Americans are wont to say, I must choose the most basic and low class transportation.&nbs sp; That is not intended to be an insult. My enemies will not find me, if you can do this for me, and please if you would stay off your radio. We will have to just keep driving, refuel, and then keep going.”

I paused. My heart had to slow down.

“I know your heart is about to beat itself into smithereens. Take this pill, and you will be in a state of bliss, but completely alert, and a bit talkative.”

I took her pill. Don’t forget. I had to take this pill to get my heart to slow down.

“Are you all in? Uhum, like they say in Las Vegas?” She turned to me with a twinkle. Oh, I forgot to tell you, she is sitting next to me. The most unbelievable female legs conjured up in late night dreams. “I would say, by the fact that we are related, in a DNA, kind of way, that you are not only “all in”, you are wondering if I am available to you sexually. After all, we will be so close for the next few hours!”

“I’m not going to say that it has not affected me. I mean that which you just let slip out of your beautiful lips, but darlin’, my answer would be heck yeah. If this trip is worth umpteen million dollars to me, well, then, at least, you have to be worth somethin’. I mean it’s all a guy could wish for you know?”

“The Fate of the Whole World is with your Taxi Cab!”

She smiled with so much restraint that you could hear one thousand laughs as she licked her lips. “Sir. You must understand that you are about to save me, Myra. I am what you would call an Alien Queen. It’s not that I wouldn’t love you in an embrace of cohabitation, and partake of connubial bliss at some time in an imaginary future, but the fate of your world is at hand. My life is at hand. And a space ship as round as a Denver Omelet and so big that I have no English descriptive superlatives for it, is awaiting us. But we are exceedingly vulnerable right now. The fate of the whole world is with your Taxi Cab.

“If you all are as incredible as you sound, these damn enemies must be unspeakable bad asses who are born killers mean. My words are sounding real funny because of your weird pill.”

We hurtled along I70 conversing. Me with my drunk talk, and her with her Marlene Dietrich talk. “About that wish to make love to you. That was your pill talking and your unbelievable beauty causing it, and of course, I am hornier than horny. That also is also your pill.”

She leaned over toward me as we drove. Her voice was always level and mildly modulated. She didn’t have Marlene Dietrich’s German, but she had her alto. It was as if nothing could really bother her. “I know your human wishes were all there, and I would grant you almost anything if we had the time. But dear, I really can fill your Taxi Cab with lots of cash. What else do you wish that I could reasonably grant you?”

The fact that I drive a Cab should tell you that I am not really a wishing kind of guy. I mean for my material needs. I am trying to fight your pill right now.”

“Yes, go ahead darling.”

My Three Wishes

“I have three wishes but they have to do with my wife.”

“You didn’t tell me you were married.”

“Kind of embarrassing, but…”

“I know, it was my pill.”

My wife was abused for years physically, and then in a rage, got back at him by paying to have him beaten. Then in a final climax, he kidnapped their child. She got the kid back but this was a period of pure hell. This period in her life still marks her today psychologically.

“And you, when did you come along?”

“Well, I came along right after that.”

“And what do you want me to do?”

“I mean, you’re Myra, the Alien Queen with so much power and all….you know…. Could you go back in time and make all 3 of those things go away?”

“I might be unspeakably wealthy, possessive of incomprehensible technical, warlike powers, the Viceroy of Ancient Celestial Alliances, the Most Splendid Princess of Milky Way Hierarchies, and the Desire of All Those Who Pisseth Against the Wall, BUT I AM NOT GOD!!!!”

“Well, hell!” I was truly pissed off.

“Darling.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. It put a peace through me that felt like anesthesia.

“You have that Famous Human Malady that is common to Earthlings. I mean, let’s face it, you are a fun group, but you are best known for your passion and impulse. Not your thoughtfulness. Why do you think we have to keep on coming back here, and kicking the Trogandorks asses?”

Conditions Precedent and the Perfection of Fate

“Manifestations are Conditions Precedent to the next Manifestations. Things are in linked relationships. You talk about fulfilled Wishes like they are ice cream scoops that drop into your mouth as you prance along. Everything is a condition precedent to the next thing. Her horrible life was a condition precedent to finding and appreciating you. Without her bad fortune, she would not have sought you -- her good fortune. Do you begin to see the Perfection of Fate?

If I could get God to wipe away that past, you would have to be wiped away too. You might have met one night, but without the motivating issue, she probably would have looked right through you. Or, just enjoyed your company and not seen you for the wonderful darling that you are.” She flicked her wrist and her delicate long fingers, of which, yes, there were SIX. “Whoosh, darling would be gone.” She turned away.

Just then the night time illuminated into pure yellow light. Yes, we were in a particularly scrubby part of Nevada, not the verdant scrubby part of Nevada. The part of Nevada that looks like an intergalactic airport.

“I’m taking you up.” We went up in this golden elevator, but the elevator didn’t have any wires. It took us about a second. And yes, my organs got mixed around.

“You can cover much ground quickly.” Myra smiled. Surrounded by scores of cool people dressed like her, but not as gloriously, a few of whom were as good looking as she was, she commanded movement with her delicate six fingered hands. “There is New York.” I noticed it for a second. Then, a few moments. “There is San Francisco.” Sure enough. I felt no sense of movement. “We are leaving now, darling.”

“You really did save the planet, but don’t go around telling people you saved the planet, or I will have to come back here, and then put a special curse on you where you could not ever speak, read or write again. Now, we wouldn’t want to have that would we?”


Back at the Cab, she sent the Ship up about Fifty Miles, so we wouldn’t draw the attention of the Nevada Constables.

“The money is payment for an unbelievable errand that you performed for the world. It is not a granted wish. Get it?”

“Yes, and just between you and me, if you want your wife to forget her past, you keep on working on being an unforgettable husband. Your three wishes are Evidence of Fate in Action. If you ask me, you’re just a darling!”

“She is a granted wish, from your deepest longings, enmeshed in your youthful dreams, or hopes from a recent past. She was long forgotten in your dreams. And that’s where the Magic is and the Wish Fulfillment. The same goes for you with her. But without that Condition Precedent, operating like a divine gear, none of this Wonder would be occurring.”

“We have known you for Generations.”

“Uh, don’t you want to know my name?”

“We have known your name for generations. You were picked at a Cosmic Café in Ulanbatorang, the Twin Planets with Six Moons. You wouldn’t believe how this Condition Precedent thing works. That’s why you couldn’t quit doing the Cab. You’ve got some impressive relatives, darling. That’s why I could never make love to you!” She winked.

She disappeared in the golden elevator. I started up my Cab and made my way to my Wish-Fulfilled Life.


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