The Zombie Apocalypse will happen in 2013!|I meant to say, "The Zombie Apocalypse will happen in 2014!"| The Apocalypse
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I was wrong (obviously)!
Okay, okay, I was wrong about the Zombie Apocalypse happening in 2013, and I was also wrong that the apocalypse would be caused by millions of Americans that went brain dead because of reality TV. The theory was that the brain dead would eat the brains of their fellow Americans in order to have some form of mental nourishment; however, many individuals have predicted the end of the world and been wrong (see below). So, I am going to take another crack at predicting the Apocalypse in the near future. In the meantime, peruse this article and become afraid,very afraid..
Everyone is talking about the world ending soon, so I thought it was time to put my 2 cents in. I am a survivor of Y2K and 47 other dates of the Apocalypse or the end of the world during my lifetime. I wish I could say that I survived because of my sharp wits and Adonis body, but nothing really happened on any of those dates. These predictions of doom were reportedly made by Pat Robertson, Edgar Casey, Nostradamus, and Harold Camping, and I am still here to give you the following information:
1. Before discussing the Mayan’s it should be stated that theZombie Apocalypse will happen but not in 2012. The Zombie Apocalypse is a surefire thing and will be coming to your neighborhood soon. The Zombie Apocalypse will not be caused by the undead, bath salts, or by some weird experiment gone wrong by the government. The Zombie Apocalypse will be started by the brain dead.
After watching and listening to hours and hours of politicians lying to us and being caught in those lies, and still saying the same lies anyway, and after hours and hours of watching Jersey Shore, or watching basically the same show with a different name like American Idol, The X Factor, and The Voice, or Hollywood making movie remakes of remakes some of our fellow citizens higher thinking will shut down. Their essentially dead brains will seek nourishment, and they will start eating the brains of those whose frontal cortex is still functioning.
Unfortunately, they will only be, essentially, lobotomizing their fellow citizens, who then will try to jump-start their brains by eating other people’s brains. According to pseudo scientist, people’s brains will not shutdown until the Jersey Shore spinoffs begin airing in 2013. As an aside, some people think the zombie Apocalypse will start in Canada. That is impossibility, because Canadians do not have any higher brain function (joking).
2. The Mayan's and Mayan scholars do not agree on what the end of the Mayan calendar means. Some say it signifies the end of the world, others say it is new beginning, and still others say that it was a logical end to the calendar.
There is another ancient civilization that talked about fresh springs being in the ocean, which was not proven until we invented submarines, that made many predictions of the future. That civilization is still around, whereas the Mayans is only a footnote in history, but the civilization I am talking about does not get the press the Mayan’s are currently getting.
3. The reelection of Obama/the election of a Republican or a member of the Tea Party will not trigger the apocalypse. People said the same things about Bush and Clinton, and we are still here.
4. The Rapture will not happen in 2012. If one takes the time to look around you, one would realize that God has a sense of humor. Look at your life (or mine), or the Platypus, or the fact that our sex organs are the same organs that remove waste or are located right next to them. Many different people have asked, "Who would put an amusement park next to the raw sewage plant?"
So, God, with his sense of humor, will pick any year but 2012 for the rapture. Besides, God said that no man will know when the end will come. What about a woman predicting the end time you ask? Well a woman has started a personal apocalypse with me several times, but I believe that God meant that men and women would not know the date of the rapture.
5.Cthulhu will rise again, and soon, but it will not be the apocalypse. Cthulhu and the Old Ones have been waiting for the stars align and the time is near; however, the recent nuclear reactor problems in Japan will enable the birth of Godzilla. The ensuing battle will be epic, but Cthulhu will lose and have to pick another planet to start an apocalypse (perhaps Super Earth?). What happens to Godzilla? I really do not know, but I am sure Tokyo will be nervous.
6.Atlantis and The South will not rise again, so they cannot start the apocalypse. I actually knew a woman who was saving empty milk jugs and filling them with water. She said that when Atlantis rises, most of the United States would be flooded and would not have fresh water. She would have water because of the milk jugs and be elected leader of a new Utopia (talk about the benefits of recycling!).
In closing, Atlantis may have existed (some credited scientist believe it was Crete and its population was not very large), but most people, even people in ancient times, thought Atlantis was a fictional place. The South on the other hand, is a very real place, but has as much chance of rising again as Mullet haircuts, Disco, and Pogs.
7. The planet Nibiru does not exist (NASA had to actually tell people this), so it cannot come crashing into the planet.
8. Heavy Metal, Rap or Hip Hop, Justin Bieber, or Country Music will not cause the Apocalypse. Yes, Heavy Metal has been called the Devil’s music, Rap talks about doing drugs, killing, and women as sexual objects, and Country music when played backwards gives you back your wife, money, dog, and life back. But, the real Devil’s music is Country Yodeling (I dare you to listen to it). I f it ever becomes popular in this country, we are doomed.
9. Birds, fish, and animals dying is not a sign of the apocalypse being this year. The same phenomenon was reported in January of 2011, and we are still here; however, if you are still not convinced look at the following slide show located at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/06/mass-animal-deaths-creepi_n_805311.html#s219960&title=Frog_Shower
10. Neither Tim Tebow nor Jeremy Lin will start the apocalypse. True, Tebow is making being a virgin cool again, and Lin, a player with a Taiwanese heritage, is playing lintastic. Correct, Tebow’s wins seem to defy explanation, and the puns used to describe Lin are so bad they seem to be linspired by the Devil, but neither is a sign of an upcoming apocalypse. Not long ago, the Jonas brothers were making being a virgin cool with abstinence rings and saying that a player from a Taiwanese background playing good basketball is a sign of the end is, well, silly. Almost as silly as saying that ESPN’s comment of Lin showing a chink in is armor is prejudice (not well thought out in today’s politically correct world would be the correct assumption).
In closing, I am planning to have, maybe, the greatest Christmas ever in 2012. Moreover, if I am wrong, would you really want to survive under terrible conditions when all those you loved are dead?