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Turning To God For Help.
Turning To God For Help
August 1, 2010 Sunday.
By now everyone knows that I often suffer due to pain of some kind. I think my last job has much to do with the way I suffer today.
Every job I had was demanding. I traveled very long distances from home to Security jobs. The best Security jobs required traveling out of town. I liked police work, but my mind was not right. You have to realize that a man can only take so much. Your not infallible if your human and have a heart.
In police work you need a sharp memory that lasts. Everyone told me that I was a good law officer, but I knew the truth. I was younger, and took things hard. Sometimes I would just break down and cry because emotions would build up inside me.
I got so very tired of seeing Becky totally crippled. It kept haunting me. I wanted her to walk like other little girls. I wanted her to have boy friends, a life like other kids. I wanted her to be my little dream girl, go to college, be and independent and proud young lady. All my dreams were shattered. I wanted her to be able to somehow walk. We spent everything we ever earned taking her to hospitals and doctors.
My memory snapped, my mind just stopped working right. I felt like I was not good enough to try to be a career law man.
I saved lives. I did that much good. I did things many men would not do that wanted to live. I did not want to die, but I just felt really dead inside myself. My heart was tired. I was tired of crying over the baby so much in those days.
I was addicted to self pity. All I wanted was mercy from God. I wanted to die sometimes to rest my mind. It is a long story. I wrote a book about everything that ripped our hearts to pieces.
I did not quit the police. And election put a force of over a hundred commissioned officers out of work. Our sheriff lost . I had opportunities to go back to police work in many ways, but I decided to try Security work. I worked a few formidable facilities, and protected millions of dollars for years. My age and body and the stress in my mind wore me down.
I took the job of a young man's kind of work in a parking lot in my last job. The employer, a branch manager said the work was brutal, but he hired me.
I felt ashamed pushing grocery buggies in a Super center parking lot, but I did it anyway. I just knuckled down, lowered my head, and pushed, and pushed and pushed. I became strong. Push enough steal and metal and you become strong, but the job would eventually finish me off.
I held my head down as I pushed fifteen, twenty or even fifty carts at once. Pushing them hundreds of yards until your lungs scream for air, until your heart pounds almost out of your body. Sometimes the heat would make me pour in sweat on my face. I cried all the time , with my head down, praying to God . I am telling you the God's honest truth. I prayed in tears for seven straight years to God. I prayed for Becky, for Joann , for everyone I loved and for my self at last.
I worked until I would almost fall to the ground so that I could sleep from exhaustion , so I would not dream about my dead mother, and crippled child.
Mom took a lot out of me big time. I carried her when her heart was failing. I gave her CPR and saved her life . However she just had to die because it was her time.
We almost lost everything we owned . A lawyer had to save our home and land from great debts. It took a fortune and then some for hospital bills. for her. It is a long story.
I pushed thousands of carts every day. I pushed them in extreme heat, and in extreme cold, in rain or even in snow if customers needed them, and they always did.
Boys and men would work their ways out of the parking lot into the stores. My mind was intelligent, but simple in memory. I stayed outside for almost seven years pushing buggies hard.
I began depending on pain medicine as my body was wearing down. I developed congestive heart failure, bronchitis, pulmonary breathing difficulties, anxiety, stress, severe back pain, stomach problems and severe problems that would cause me agonizing pain just trying to use the bathroom.
Near the end of my job, I went to work with a pillow so I could sit down. Then one day I just went out in the parking lot and the pain medicine stopped working. I collapsed and just cried in terrible agony wishing I could die.
I missed a lot of work, and when I did work I either suffered terribly , or had to leave the job site sometimes. Finally a manager told me he had to let me go.
I was cripple by then. I could not walk unless I leaned on everything. The doctors told me that I ruined my kidneys by overdosing myself with pain medicine. I wanted the pain to stop so bad so I could work.
They put a plaque on the wall with my name included on it for a while. For a while I was their best worker, but when my body went down it was time for it all to end.
With crutches and walking canes I tried to get jobs. No one in their right mind would hire me in my condition. I put in for my Social Security Disability. It was not difficult for me to get it. I had a list a mile long of health problems.
This explains some of my past.
Back to August 1, 2010
Joann brought my food as I laid in bed. Yesterday I think I sat in a wrong position too long by the sink microwaving chicken. I also did some kitchen work to help Joann. It happens now and then. Sometime the pain can be severe.
My left hip and right knee started giving me great agony. By the hardest I walked to the computer desk, and now I am writing. Hopefully I will just fall to sleep in my chair. Lying down would be painful. I took a pain medicine that may put me to sleep. I was up all night.
I feel like I might fall to sleep. I feel relaxed. Maybe I will try to walk to bed after I finish this hub.
My mother-in-law is in the kitchen with Joann. Joann, her mom, and Becky are having dinner.
Years ago I installed ceiling fans in our Mobile Home. The one in our bedroom was on the second highest speed. Maybe the wind on my legs caused some of the pain. I do not like becoming hot. We have air conditioning so the fans kind of help circulate the air, but if your not careful, too much moving wind may be a cause for body aches.
Not much is new today. The cats are all sleeping. When I sleep I will probably sleep for many long hours. Joann brought me a cold glass of ice water.
I must go and lie down. I think I am going to go and lie down for a very long time.
Back to the past: At least I could be home with my wife and daughter. Even if I was not in the best shape.
God Bless Everyone.