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Personally Speaking--Part 2

Updated on January 14, 2011

So I was off to Philadelphia in search of fame, fortune, and forgetting. After my attempted suicide, it seemed like a tremendous weight was lifted, but I still knew I had a long way to go. After much searching and many auditions, I finally found the perfect match of musicians and the band was up and running. We met with a fair amount of success in the world's eyes, but deep inside I still felt the pain of a past life.

The lead singer arranged another one of those blind dates. I decided to go just for something to do. I had already decided that I would have a lousy time and I certainly wasn't interested in any long term relationships. 32 years later I'm still on that date, but now she's my wife. Wonderful!--but there were still many major problems that had to be worked through.

As a rock musician I learned to live the life of a rocker. All that rock claims is true--from drug overdoses to deviate perverts to satanic rituals. I've even heard Christians try to justify rock music, but take it from one that's been there. There's nothing Christian about it. There's nothing God-glorifying about it. it's wicked through and through.

The more the band grew and developed, the more sin I found myself involved with, and the more guilt I felt. The more guilt I felt, the more I turned to sin to ease the guilt. Can you say, "Catch-22?".It was my wife that paid the ultimate price. Even though she also embraced the rock-n-roll lifestyle, my ups and downs were weighing heavy upon her. Still, God doesn't let His children get away easy.

My wife gave birth my son, but at the time I had more important things to be involved with, or so I thought. Slowly the band began to fall apart. Internal problems and personality conflicts (which is also a part of the lifestyle) brought the band to an end, but not my dreams. I continued to audition musicians to start again. After months of different personnel changes, frustration finally got the best of me. I was on another downhill slide and couldn't stop. God seemed so far away, but yet I felt like He was trying to speak to me. Why wouldn't I listen?

Frustration consumed me. In my thinking, to walk away from the music business meant that I had failed as a person. The only self-worth I had came from my guitar. Without it, I felt like nothing. The peace and acceptance I sought from music was no longer there. Even music had rejected me. Who was I? What was I really about? Was I really so shallow as to base my existence on how well I played guitar? The questions kept coming. There were considerably fewer answers.

The pressures of life began to mount again. Without the income from the band, financial pressures began to build--pressures that spilled over into every aspect of my life and marriage. What little hope I had was quickly fading. But through all the dark nights somehow, someway, I was conscious of that still, small voice that kept calling. If I could only face myself and listen!


Part 3 is on the way.

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    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Skye,

      Thanks for joining "the club!" Thanks for the tip on linking as well. Others have mentioned it, but I'm not what you call "computer literate". I was never able to figure it out although I'm sure it's quite simple.

    • skye2day profile image

      skye2day 

      7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      lifegate I did not know GOD was lost (JK) Great hub. I noticed I had read your hubs for a time but not followed you so I came by to be part of your club. Honored and Blessed. Beautiful writing I would have never guessed. Well not many were riding a pink cloud to the door of Jesus. I am grateful you were led to your purpose in IAM. Our testimonies can touch many a hurting hearts with Hope in the true GOD. Amen brother. Love n Hugs.

      Captivating story hard to leave this alone, off to the next one. PS link your stories together just FYI. In Peace. In Him

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      A M,

      I can honestly say that I can enjoy playing guitar today. It took me several years to clear my head, but I finally worked through it. Yes, I do believe it was idolatry. Funny how it just kind of crept in and before I knew it took over. Thanks for the visit.

    • A M Werner profile image

      Allen Werner 

      7 years ago from West Allis

      I was reading the part about your guitar representing your self-worth and it really came across as a picture of idolatry many in this world create for themselves. To be acceptable to others, we, as humans, have a tendency to glom onto things that identify us with particular groups, be it music, sports, work. Somehow, someway, we always seem to be trying to win the approval of others and forget that their approval is not what we are really after. For me growing up it was a soccer ball. I still play soccer to this day, but it doesn't mean what it used to mean. It isn't my all and all or the direction of my salvation. Just something I enjoy doing. Peace

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      TJ,

      If rock music can kill a plant, think what it does to the human brain. Without a doubt it's dangerous and poisonous. It also has to do with how we regard God. That being said, I could get into a long, drawn out discussion, but maybe I'll save it for another hub! Good to hear from you.

    • Tamarajo profile image

      Tamarajo 

      7 years ago

      Personal testimonies are so powerful.

      I was watching a PBS documentary on music and it is now known that music taste has to do with choice and exposure. My husband used to claim that he just liked hard rock because he was just born that way. Sort of pre disposed to like it. He too is now far away from that and doesn't like it anymore. His experience has found this too be true.

      Hard rock music can also kill a plant.

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Cristina,

      Thanks for stopping by and for the comment. You're a blessing!

    • cristina327 profile image

      Maria Cristina Aquino Santander 

      7 years ago from Manila

      Great hub, voted beautiful. Thank you for sharing this great part of your life. I am looking forward to read the continuation in part three. Blessings and regards.

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Heart,

      Yes, I'm so glad God forgives.

    • heart4theword profile image

      heart4theword 

      7 years ago from hub

      Thankfully, God is there, even when we aren't paying attention. So glad He is a forgiving God.

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Fred,

      Thanks for the visit. If God can use this some way, that would be wonderful. When I look back over my life I sometimes how I could have been so misled. Thank God for His Grace!

    • fred allen profile image

      fred allen 

      7 years ago from Myrtle Beach SC

      Fascinating! I know this is going to be an inspirational story in the end! Masterful how You have left us hanging. I look forward to the rest as you reveal your wonderful inspiring life.

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Michael,

      Interesting thought! I'm not sure I responded as quickly as Jeremiah though. I've always been one to learn the hard way.

    • Michael Adams1959 profile image

      Isaiah Michael 

      7 years ago from Wherever God leads us.

      Lifegate, this all reminds me of Jeremiah, in his despair, he cried out to God I am cut off, then said he would return to God and beg for HIS mercy and grace. Lamentations 3:54-55

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      CO,

      Now that I've found Him again (or did He find me?) I never want to be without Him. He is truly everything and all that we have to trust in.

      Mr. Amit David,

      Thank you for your encouragement!

    • profile image

      Amit David 

      7 years ago

      Good-Morning Sir,Praise the Lord Thank You for Yours Wonderful hubs u have Provided,I Like it a Lot all of them,

      I too Help this Hub can reach to other people in all over the world

    • creativeone59 profile image

      benny Faye Douglass 

      7 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

      Thank you LG, for continuing your story, you had a lot of hard bumps,but thank God you found him. Godspeed. creativeone59

    • lifegate profile imageAUTHOR

      William Kovacic 

      7 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Thanks TM! God is still working. My life hasn't been near as bad as some people, but these are the events God used in my life to draw me closer.

    • profile image

      tinamarie9884 

      7 years ago

      I am waiting to read more. You have started out writing really well. It is easy for me to vision through your well written hub. Blessings to you!!

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