Who am I, really?
I'm a work in progress, constantly discovering new sides of myself. For instance, I have discovered that change is painful, but sometimes necessary. I'm in a changing process in my life. It has been incredibly painful. It has been terrifying and overwhelming; and I have been kicking and screaming the whole time.
One of the biggest changes that has taken place in the past 45 days has been that I am being honest with my feelings. I can't say I have mastered this change. I'm still guarded, but I am being truthful with the people in my life about the way I truly feel about what I am going through. I don't hide my fears and anxieties. Most of the time, I can't control the fear and anxiety anyway, so I might as well be honest. I have had to be honest with me; this has been the hardest part. I have had to reevaluate my life, the choices (bad or good) I have made, my relationship with God, my relationship with my family, and those pesky voices in my head that keep reminding of all the bad things that have happened in my life.
Life's a Journey
So, I'm on a journey. I am undergoing reconstruction. I am fearful, but hopeful about the future. I am learning to be kinder to myself, and resting in God's plan. I know He has a plan for me; that is the only thing, of which, I am certain.
I'm not saying that I am anywhere near where I want or need to be. I have a very long road ahead. But, for now, I am trying with everything that is within me, to take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I'm working on breaking down the walls I have built around myself. The walls that are constructed of self-doubt, depression, negative thinking/speaking, fear of what others think or say about me, anxiety and feelings of guilt that have no basis.
Put it All in God's Hands
It all comes down to this: I have to put it all in God's hands! I am one of those people that has a hard time letting go. I have always been taught that when you pray about something or you have a problem, you take it to God and you give it to Him. That requires that you let Him have it, you have to let Him keep it. You're not supposed to pick it back up and carry it back with you. This, too is something I haven't mastered yet. I'm pretty sure this one is going to take me a while.
For now, I am content to praise God while I wait. He has never let me down before. I haven't always gotten what I prayed for, but sometimes that's a blessing in disguise. He knows what the future holds and I have to trust that He has my best interest at heart. When I come out on the other side, I know I will see that He carried me all the way and in my darkest of nights, He never left my side.