Relapse and Repentance
Relapse: Confession Is Good For The Soul
I wanted to write something else but I struggled with what the subject matter would be. All I have ever known is a life that was spilt into two different lifestyles. Before Christ and after Christ.
I couldn’t ever even imagine what my life would become in Him. I was so bound by my addictions in so many ways. They consumed my every waking thought, the seeking behavior even dominated my dreams that were, in reality, nightmares. I could think of little else on that highway to hell. So many years spent in utter obscurity. Lost and undone by my own choices and subsequent actions.
I must confess to you that I have made unwise and unrighteous choices these past 6 months or so, probably longer. At those moments in time I had gotten my eyes off of Jesus and onto my flesh. I seemed to have reached back into the past and pulled it into the here and now. Why, I have asked myself over and over again. why in the name of all that is pure and holy, would I have done this? WHY?!
Then the depression came, resulting from the sadness which enveloped me because of my continued disobedience and rebellion. I came close to remembering what it's like to be afraid to live - the way I used to be - because of the forgetting how to do that I mean. The way I used to live was to live in fear always, even when I was high. I only learned how to live for real through Christ Jesus.
The Apostle Paul said “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21)
Most people focus on the second part of the verse, “to die is gain,” and contemplate the joys of heaven. But we should not overlook what comes before. The importance of the phrase “to live is Christ” cannot be overstated. In all honesty, this phrase should be central to every Christian’s life.
In this statement, the apostle Paul is saying that everything he has tried to be, everything he is, and everything he looked forward to being pointed to Christ. From the time of Paul’s conversion until his martyrdom, every move he made was aimed at advancing the knowledge, gospel, and church of Christ. Paul’s singular aim was to bring glory to Jesus.
I too believe this way. I know that any life apart from following Christ is doomed to failure. I KNOW THAT TO BE TRUE! I feel that I must admit my failure and my sins, and in so doing find my way back to a restored relationship to the Father. Like perhaps writing this may cleanse me in some way and put me back in fellowship with GOD. Although I know that truly I can do nothing, for Jesus has already done it all.
“This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. (1 John 1:5-10)
Satan taunted me in my thoughts, telling me what a failure I was and that I was never really saved in the first place. But I KNOW that Yahweh did save me for I would never have been able to quit using the drugs, the cocaine and crack cocaine, all those years ago in the first place.
On a walk to the store one day I heard this woman use the "f" word and I thought to myself about how "normal" that type of language was becoming to me now. Like I was becoming a part "of the world" again. The world that I have claimed to hate so much - not the people, but the way they act, like Islam - for so long now due to all it's atrocities, all of it's evils.
I believe that the Holy Spirit was giving me like a revelation that this was what was happening to me, that I had slowly been becoming a "part of the world" again. The world that Satan used to chew me up and spit me out again and again. I look back and see horror, although I don't have to look that far back for it was in the here and now, tormenting me.
I heard a knock at the door of my addiction’s and without any real thought - actions and subsequent reactions - I just "did it." What a fool I was! Forgive me Father GOD, please forgive me for I have sinned against You.
"Against You, You only, I have sinned And done what is evil in Your sight, So that You are justified when You speak And blameless when You judge." (Psalm 51:4)
Any belief system - addictions are a belief system - that turns it's followers away from the one true Yahweh GOD is inspired by Satan.
Testing the Spirits:
Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. (1 John 4:1-3)
I really couldn’t fathom what I was doing here again, in the situation I had brought upon myself. This could very well ruin my testimony I thought.....or, when I repent, become all the stronger for it.
Different things go through my mind. Ive been lying to GOD. Saying I repent knowing that I was going to smoke pot or cigarettes again. Or not take my meds right. Surely that's not right.
I'm breaking the heart of GOD. I knew that I was sinning because the Word says of the person who knows to do right and does it not, to that person it is a sin.
"Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin." (James 4:17)
Back in the day I saw demons coming out of the walls. They were just black shapes like, although the shapes had "bodies." I saw disconnected and malevolent red eyes shining all around my room. I literally watched the red numbers coming out of the alarm clock and they were floating there in the darkness, in the nothingness.
Once I saw, as it were, people bathed in red. I wondered if I had gotten a glimpse of hell because of the drugs I used then.
I have a "Mountain" that needs to be removed.. We all do. Jesus will help us if we have faith and ask Him and it is according to God’s Divine Will. If He doesn't change the situation for us He will change us for the situation. :)
And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. (Matthew 17:20)
As I said, for months I would repent, knowing that I was sinning against God by smoking the pot, etc, no matter how much I tried to make excuses for it. But in my own misery for having failed God I would turn back to them to alleviate feeling at all. But it began to work less and less as I was drawn back to God by His Holy Spirit, and now, today, I am marijuana free and back to fighting the battles “in Christ,” for without Him I am able to do nothing.
He is my ever present help and my Hope. He really is my everything, and now that I can say that I am illegal drugs free, I have fully come about face once again and have returned to my first love who is Jesus Christ our Lord.
I was hesitant about writing this for fear I would bring dishonor to God and ridicule from people. I thought the reason I put it off was because I would, as I said, bring shame on the name of Jesus. Then a day or two ago I realized that the one I was really concerned about was me and I don’t want any part of that.
Because I am confessing here in no wise means I need mans forgiveness for only Christ alone can forgive sins, and He has forgiven mine. I rededicated my life to God on New Year’s day and He began a new work in me. He has restored me once again, to my amazement. Even when I was faithless, He is faithful because I am saved by His grace, through faith.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” ( Ephesians 2:8-9)
There’s a lesson to be learned in every experience we face or hardship we endure. Part of mine was the realization that I had indeed gotten my mind and heart off of God and the studying of His Word and onto my flesh and the flesh will always bring with it corruption.
Jesus help me!
This is one of the shortest prayers we can pray but it is so powerful because He is always willing to help His children. We see us in our present condition, in the here and now. He sees into the future and knows when we will be fully surrendered to His Will and His ways.
As I heard on In Touch this morning, "God is a warm and intimate God. We saw what He was like when He came to earth and walked as Jesus in the earth." God is an encourager just as Jesus was. So if today you have anything in your own life which is discouraging you, then turn to the Savior who was/is the greatest encourager of all.
One step at a time. I must be aware enough not to again rely on "me, myself and I" but to actively rely on God through Christ Jesus. There was a song a few years ago called "Empty Me." It is all about the desire for God to empty me of the me in me and to fill me with Him. There can be nothing better than that.
When I get my spiritual eyes off of Jesus trouble will assuredly follow. I must actively walk "in Christ" and put on the spiritual armor of God to fight against the wiles of the devil. I memorized several scriptures that are about submitting to God and resisting Satan's temptations. Two of them are the following:
"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
Prayer and God's Word works every time. It is alive and powerful and sharper than any two edged sword.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)
Do you know Christ as your Savior today? You can. Just pray along these lines...
"Lord Jesus, Thank you for dying on the cross to pay for my sins. Thank you heavenly Father for raising Jesus from the dead three days later. I repent of my sins and all the bad things I have done that has displeased you. Jesus, I now invite you to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. Thank you for taking the punishment of my sins upon yourself. I now put my faith & trust in you Jesus. I pledge to follow you with my whole heart. Thank you Jesus for securing my place with you in heaven. Now fill me with the power of your Holy Spirit and show me how to live for you. In Jesus Name. Amen."
Very simplistic, but then again so was Jesus. He knows our hearts and that’s what it’s all about, not any words which we can say.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
"The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)