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Would Jesus have sex with you?

Updated on July 7, 2016


So say I'm w a girl, we're in love, and she's into some sexual stuff I don't want to do. Somehow. And it just makes my tummy gurgle. In the bad way. WWJD? I think Jesus would be selfless. He'd probably be honest about it, if asked. "Do you want to do this?" and Jesus would be thinking NO, well, he'd say "No" because Jesus is upfront, but whatever, if she likes toes that much then why not?? And Jesus would suck her toes, just so that she doesn't feel awkward and unloved. In fact, I bet he'd enjoy it if she enjoyed it. He might have even said yes from the get go. Go get it Jesus!

What's Toilet Training, Jesus?

I wonder if Jesus would engage in toilet training with her (urban dictionary it... WARNING, IT MAY OFFEND YOU). I mean, if that was the only thing in the world that would make her feel loved, he would, right? No judgments here. Or on Jesus' part. He's Jesus after all. He'd probably do it just the way she liked it. Probably prepare in advance, follow the proper diet, do a few trial and errors just to make sure it's just the right consistency. Actually, I think Jesus would draw the line there. Her body is a temple, after all.

Don't do it, Judas

So what would Sexual Judas would be like? Probably some corrupt version of Shaggy's It wasn't Me. He'd be like, "It was him!" and Jesus might just remain quiet and accept the blame. Forgive them for they know not what they do type of deal. And the third party would be like "Damn, I really wish it was him (Jesus)."

Jesus in da club

I bet Jesus loves strippers. Not in a Drake kinda way, but in a "I'll love you for who you are, sexy topless shaved lady, even if you're insecure of that mole on your butt." I bet in a moment of tender intimacy, he would stare into the stripper's eyes, and slowly caress her face to her shoulders, breast, belly, the V on her waist, and trace his finger around her, her heart pounding the closer and closer Jesus got to her mole. She'd be so scared, insecure (What if Jesus won't love me because of my hairy butt mole?), but she wouldn't want to move, or stop him, because deep down she wants to be touched there, to have her insecurities made known and accepted, and she thinks, no, she FEELS, deep down beyond reason, where the truth lays waiting to be discovered, that Jesus will be different than all the other men with the crumpled dollar bills. And staring into her eyes, Jesus would touch her insecurity, and though her eyes would water, she cannot break the gaze. It's too heavenly. And as he touches her insecurity he smiles, a beautiful smile, an honest expression of "Everything is ok." And he would tell her "Deep down you know you're perfect just the way you are." And she believes him because it's the truth, because she always knew it. He just helped her see. He gives sight to the blind.

"There is nothing wrong with sex" - Jesus

Jesus and the stripper would proceed to consummate this liberation with a physical connection, a union of bodies the only natural response to the resonance of souls and their Proclamation of Acceptance, a holy communion. Jesus knows there is nothing wrong with sex. Heaven can be found together.

Jesus Christ

Does my lord and savior Jesus Christ love and accept you, sexually?

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