Shedding My Old Self
Getting to Know the Real Me
I am currently going through a stressful, life-altering experience. It's a journey I never thought I would take. This event has been building over the past three years, but intensified over the past few months and then wham, out of nowhere I just crumbled.
During the past weeks, I have learned a lot about myself. I have discovered that I am a totally different person than what I have let the world see. I feel like I had this costume I put on when I left the house. That costume was deceiving, especially at my job. This alter-ego couldn't say no. She couldn't say no, for fear of letting people down. She didn't know how to ask for, or maybe didn't want to need, help.
It has taken me weeks to be able to leave my house except to go to the doctor. I have only left my house alone three times. The first time, I went to Walmart. I hate going to Walmart on a good day, but this day was like a baby-step for me. I just needed a few things.
I had a panic attack the minute I walked in the door. I found the first isle I could and turned down it. I was frozen and I was shaking all over, ready to burst into tears. I didn't know what to do. So, I got my cell phone out and called my mother. She prayed with me over the phone. I was able to move after that, but it took me forever to get what I needed. I shook the whole time I was in the store and I was terrified of turning every corner.
Since that first outing, I have made progress. I'm nowhere near where I need or want to be, but I am getting closer day by day. I am learning to take baby-steps and take one hour at a time. If I think too far beyond that, I get very unsettled and panicky.
I don't know what the future holds for me today. I'm not sure I will know for a long time. I know what I want my future to be, but I'm leaving that up to God for now. He is the only one who truly knows what the future holds and I trust Him to show me the way.
Right now, this minute, I'm still healing. I have a ways to go, but I know that God is going to see me through, that is the only thing I am certain of, "If God leads you to it, He will see you through it."