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Stupid Monkeys

Updated on November 2, 2014

The Church of Euthanasia Wants You To Stop Procreating

While watching newscasts about war, poverty and man-made ecological catastrophes, the thought that perhaps there are too many humans inhabiting planet Earth and that the planet may do well to rid itself of us may arise in your mind. A quick visit to the local Chuck E. Cheese will confirm this theory. There is another theory, one of some antiquity, called Malthusian Theory which, simply put, states that the population of the Earth will one day outstrip the natural resources available. By many accounts, this is already happening in our time.

Enter the Church of Euthanasia which is, according to their website, a "non-profit educational foundation devoted to restoring balance between Humans and the remaining species on Earth." In essence, it is more of a political group than a religious one, although they utilize religious rhetoric and imagery to drive forward a program of voluntary human extinction through non-procreation. Their one commandment is, “Thou shalt not procreate” and their four pillars of belief are “suicide, abortion, cannibalism and sodomy”, all of which insure a procreation free society. Luckily for us non-members, the Church’s mandates are only voluntary, so murder and forced sterilization are not tolerated.

With slogans like “Save The Planet: Kill Yourself” and “Thank You For Not Breeding”, the Church of Euthanasia seems to be bringing a message, shared by other population conscious groups, to the masses in a far more radical way. The message came to the Rev. Chris Korda, the leader of the Church, when, in a dream, an alien intelligence spoke to him, detailing the catastrophes and imminent collapse of the planet if something radical was not done to curb the population. The ministry arm of the Church is controlled by Karin Spainks, who is a Cardinal for the Church of Euthanasia as well as a Dutch journalist, and Spainks also ran the now defunct website that tutored the faithful in the art of suicide. The Church used to have a page on their website detailing the intricacies of snuffing yourself out by utilizing helium, but after a 52 year old woman in Missouri followed the step by step instructions to the letter (resulting in her ultimate demise), the impending threat of lawsuits moved the Church to remove the offending page from their site.

While there are no real firm numbers as to how many Euthanasianists there are, their radical and often controversial demonstrations have numbered in the hundreds. According to their website, they have members in Italy, Latvia and other far flung countries around the world. There has been speculation that the Church is a contrivance; a marketing scheme to promote Korda’s musical career. While it has gained Korda some notoriety, the thrust of the movement seems to be an almost Dadaistic socio-political movement that, while any positive aspects notwithstanding, seems bent on rabid confrontations with established Christian factions. Korda, it should be noted, is a cross gendered vegetarian who is a musician as well as a part-time software developer.

Regardless of the radical façade of the Church of Euthanasia, their web site does provide instructions on how to field dress and section up a human corpse for cannibalistic purposes as well as a dandy recipe for Bob Arson's White Devil Dinky-Dao Motha***** Bobbacoo Sauce, which I’m sure will be a great hit at the next family reunion.

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