Everyday I Have To Choose
I keep trying to write but my words keep falling flat. Here I go anyways!
Let me start with this verse that rings in my ears-
Wherefore let him (whoever) that thinketh he standeth (firmly, securely, is safe) take heed (watch,be careful,beware) lest he fall > 1 Cor 10:12
Let's take a step into the current torment that's been flogging me.
Warning random thoughts!
How am I in this darkness again? Again fighting to breath!
Not wanting to be awake- sleep, sleep- the sleep of death's invitation isn't good. Don't really want to sleep but don't want to face reality in the violent wagging war.
Feeling all - but feeling nothing. Like the slowest drudging walk that feels like eternity- but feels like I'm on the edge of death.
I can not remain in this rut state- tied down- repressed self allowed trap.
I know too much and have been through too much to just give it all up just because of unfulfilled desires and satan fueling them for my emotional collapse to the no return!
Dying what a thought from hell!
I wouldn't have to fight this pressure anymore- BUT still refusing to make any move on this dying thought!!
In need of drastic change- lining up to militant obedience. Feelings can and will die in this arena!
Not thinking clearly- this is yet my biggest move lately- writing this to the Body Of Christ & God.
Enemy speaks old familiar lies- trying to make it about a journey of what I want. Twisting my emotions making me want to run into the line of fire without any self-control. Lies to try to make me pacify my pain with sinful choices- the pleasure of sin only lasts but that of a season! I know the other side of the sin is what satan is laughing about! Wanting me dead and knowing exactly how to take my legs out from me.
Down- Down, I go-
Justifying myself like a misfit- truth told their is no justification outside of Jesus!
I want to just keep going for the sake of the people- the ones I will reach for Christ!
I want to finish my call- I really don't like to fall!
Loneliness SCREAMS at me- Causing me to cry out for my hearts aches. Depressed, crushed it seems- trying to kill me slowly.
This is not me- or what I ever really wanted! Wanting to run- run away! Where will I run to?
Nowhere to go except to my God. God in my thoughts- conviction burning my heart with His love. Condemnation from satan from stumbling and leaving safety.
I love God- but I failed to heed and press through. Remembering if you love me than keep my commandments. I really want this type of infallible love to grip me until Jesus returns. I poured myself out and went on empty is how it begun.
Of course their are many more foes than just myself- still the battle is with myself and will.
Doing the opposite of my hearts desire- makes one stagnant everytime.
Can not stay drawn back- the most deadly of seasons yet is here.
Pray for me- pray for God to give me His burning desire back
-for mercy in Jesus name.
Let me finish my call- your call God on my life-
even if it cost me everything- and even just for one reason.
To reach the lost for Christ.
Let me grasp this with my whole being- no more flesh screaming!
Make me, keep me willing to deny myself- for the sake of the people you have called me to.
No longer do I want to care about my dreams, life, goals, and of lost love in satan's fairytales. Instead rip them out of me- no matter how much pain it will cause!
Allow me to freely without wavering lay down my life for Jesus to resurrect His life and fullness through me. Your ways God, Your plans and desires is what I surrender to and receive.
God you know my deepest pains- you know how they try to consume me. I do not want to hate this life or regret anything. I need you to give me a love for those around me so this hate and bitterness will dissipate. Forgive me for hating my marriage and release your love and healing into it again in Jesus name or give me a way out which I don't think you will.
I have learned of love and I have love- but you know how hard it can get to love unconditionally. Let me forgive offense upon offense without weakening. Let your love through me even affect my children, husband and all. Give me a strong desire to pray and praise you without ceasing.Give me grace to stand and do right- even if I am the only one in my house doing so- honor this that you placed in my heart.
Tare down these walls of rejection, pain, and frustration- engulf me in your will again.
Let it take me over again- I love you God. This is where my peace and joy reside.
Out of the two choices I've been given: DO or Die-
Let me do your will and live.
Father God- forgive me for taking your love, grace, mercy, and patience for granted. Forgive me for sinning against you in Jesus name.
This voice of mine- allow it to declare the coming of the Lord.
This heart of mine cause it to cry out- Repent and prepare the way of the Lord!
Only you God can cause your servant to stand or fall. So my God I pray you cause me your servant and the rest of the Body of Christ to stand and go through the valley of death and darkness- to meet our Savior face to face-
To hear well done good and faithful servant.
I surrender again.
– Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. >James 4:7-8a
Flyleaf - Again
I am not alone
As I have come back to this page and I look over it, I see the battle that has beat upon me. I see clearly that I am not alone in this struggle. I know that this is too what others do, feel and will experience while seeking God. You, me- we will have a tremendous amount of pressure, even depression and the feeling to just stop & give up. While we are feeling the pressure, that is ultimately testing our faith in God- we do have a choice.
We can believe God and press through- clinging to his promises or turn back to a life of broken fellowship with God. It is much better to suffer because we are doing right, than to suffer because we have turned from the only one that can help and keep us.
So I do not feel ashamed to share with you that I too go through the trials of life and I too have to force myself to obey God. I do also have days when I just want it all to stop and I get tired of fighting. God never said it would be easy, but he'd be here with us every step of the way and we have our peace in Him- trusting God when the storms approach.
If we were not called by God, than we would not have this much opposition. If there was not a prize at the end of this race- than it would not be worth the pain and suffering. The truth is that God has gifted us and called us to serve him in a world of darkness, turmoil and suffering. We have a very important mission and we can not let satan or the humans he uses knock us off the path that leads to God, the path of righteousness- doing what is right before our Holy God. We may be sowing in tears right now, but I know within me as God witnesses through his word that when this race is done I will reap the harvest with Joy- Not just blessings that are mine but also blessed by the many that made in heaven because I obeyed till death.
1There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
3For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
4That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
5For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
6For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
7Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
8So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.
9But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.
10And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
11But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.
12Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.
13For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. Romans 8
- Resisting Unto Bloodshed?
In Everything you go through to strive, and fight against sinning, have you sweated blood to avoid it? In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.> Heb 12:4
- When I Stopped Going to Church
I ended up very effected by this and got worse and worse and finally a sickness that I couldn't bare came along and once again the doctors couldn't help. So I was desperate to have some pain relief called healing. Enough was enough. I had finally had
- Solider of God- Do you want to live?
Gird up for the battle! Gird means- To encircle with belt or band. To fasten or secure (clothing for example)-- To equip or endow To prepare oneself for action To prepare for action: We are to still speak peace but girded more sternly for WAR To gird
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