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The Christian Side Hug

Updated on December 22, 2013

Every couple of years or so, Fundamentalist Christians become convicted and guilt-ridden over the fact that they haven't recently managed to discover and/or invent some brand new inane thing to be needlessly offended by. Most recently it was the Harry Potter series; but like any other fix, the high must eventually come to an end. Then you pass out, sleep off the effects, and wake up with a massive mental hangover, going, "Did we honestly just spend half a decade protesting a fictional character? What were we thinking?! We should turn our attentions to something far more dastardly and nefarious... How 'bout hugs?" This seemed logical to them, and hence the Hugging Prohibition was born.

Pictured: hedonism
Pictured: hedonism

Christian side-hugging is the latest ill-advised attempt to ensure that all good Christian teenagers graduate into the real world with absolutely no clue how to go about interacting with the opposite sex, attracting a mate, or just attending a basic high school reunion without creeping everyone out. It has its roots in the laughably misguided belief that Front Hugs (AKA “regular" hugs) probably lead directly to unbeckoned sexual urges (and therefore unwanted teen pregnancies) that make baby Jesus cry, or something along those lines. It is, after all, God’s holy and eternal desire that close friends not press their fronts up against each other through several layers of thick clothing - for even so much as a few brief seconds - prior to marriage. Roughly half of the entire Bible is devoted to this idea, and indeed Paul’s entire epistle of III Corinthians is dedicated to the anti-touching movement. I’m nearly sure of it.

The now-viral Christian Side Hug youtube video was taped at an Encounter Generation (EG) youth revival-type thingy, and features the most baffling consortium of lyrical and dramatic elements imaginable, bits and pieces that have no business being in the same zip code together: Holy Spirit references? Check. Abstinence admonishments that even the Puritans would make fun of? Check. Absolutely meaningless pop-culture non-sequiturs? Check. The "Imperial March" from Star Wars sample? Check. A bunch of white youth pastors dressed up like they’re going to the Def Jam company picnic? Check? Police sirens, gun shots, and a drive-by killing spree finale? Check, check, and check. You couldn’t invent a worse concoction if you put some fresh strawberries, a can of cat food, a quart of freon, and the contents of Lindsay Lohan’s purse into a blender and served it up on the rocks. I dare you to watch this whole thing without cringing a half dozen times! Go ahead. I'll wait...

Aside from the obvious fact that this entire concept is bat s**t insane, the…er…”rap” promoting it is as confounding as a Mike Tyson interview on acid.

"My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"  "Er, what?"
"My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!" "Er, what?"

Let's see what kind of sense we can make out of it, shall we?

Here are the lyrics (in bold italics), along with my comments and thoughts:

CHORUS

Gimme dat Christian side hug, dat Christian side hug

Gimme dat Christian side hug, dat Christian side hug

I’m a ruff rider, filled up with Christ’s love...

Hold on a sec. Time out. Just. Stop.

Apparently nobody told these hacks that “ruff rider” is street slang for somebody who’s into really rough and/or painful sex. That seems like one of those slangy phrases you might want to have consulted the meaning of before, say, using it in a song describing how Disney-pure your physical habits are. So, these Jesus thugs are declaring that they won’t hug you straight on, but they will get you from behind while choking you with a garbage bag and banging your head against an air conditioning unit. That's a relief! (note to future youth leaders: if you’re trying to promote moral living while establishing your street cred, at least make a half-@$$ed attempt to learn what the bleep those phrases you’re using actually mean.)

Gimme dat Christian side hug, dat Christian side hug

VERSE 1

These are the EG rules

So pay attention it’s essential

This ain’t no Front Hug zone

(“I went to the Front Hug zone.” – Kenny Loggins)

You ain’t that fly, you ain’t my jones

“I’m not front-hugging you because you’re ugly, smelly, and/or fat; but if you weren’t, I would like totally front-hug yo' fly @$$ right now.”

Stop and listen

No front hugs and no kissin’

(both of which contribute to unwanted teen pregnancy, and therefore abortion?)

I ain’t that scared to call your mamma

So true. Every good and decent Top 10 List of "Thing I'm Not Afraid Of" should invariably include "anonymous phone call to your mother." (also: "Harry Potter")

You’ll be ridin’ home in a coma

WTF?! Who the eff is supervising these freaking conventions, Tito Ortiz? Seriously, I’ve racked my brain and can’t come up with a single reason why any activity (let alone hugging) at a Christian youth convention might potentially result in a tire iron to somebody’s skull. Seriously, if you can think of an example of how this might ever be appropriate, ever, please enlighten us.

I got my groove

You ain’t got nothin’

(Nothing like some positive self esteem re-enforcement from our religious superiors!)

Follow these rules ‘cause we ain’t bluffin’

That’s what scares the bejeezus outta me!

Now uh, you ain’t no rabbi

Nope, we were all pretty clear when we got our permissions slips signed that we weren’t coming to a Bar Mitzvah.

You ain’t no priest

What gave it away? No teenage boys front-hugging me on their knees?

So rise up off me like the shortbread with no yeast

Hahaha. Yeast. Wait, what? Isn’t that like the exact opposite of what bread with no yeast does? Good analogy there, Rain Man!

Now uh, don’t use that front hug, boy

That makes us awkward

(kinda like that last line?)

That’s inappropriate

You back up off her

‘Cause we wanna keep our minds pure

Unlike those indiscriminate huggers at all those cancer support group orgies?

Wanna keep away from sin

As in, “Thou shalt not allow thy covered bosom to make contact with the covered bosom of thine neighbor,’ saith the Lord?”

That means it’s you too girl

Only one arm around him

(But don’t let your hips touch, or else you’ll basically just be dirty dancing in God’s house. Mr. Swayze was dead wrong: God can put Baby in a corner!)

Front-hugging clearly leads to "un-baptisms"
Front-hugging clearly leads to "un-baptisms"

CHORUS

VERSE 2

We be walkin’ like…

…like what?

We be talking like…

…no seriously, like what?

We be side huggin’ every day and night

Really? You do this 24/7? On purpose?

It’s how we do, foo’

(“Foo’” being slang for “fool,” which the Bible clearly commands us not to ever call anyone else ever. Just sayin’.)

This ain’t no club

That’s a relief. There’s also not a club for people who don’t breed alpacas. Idiot.

So don’t be hatin’ on me when I show no love

Did you just inadvertently concede that a side hug isn’t loving?

We livin’ holy

Good on ya, mate.

It ain’t no thang

Glad to hear you don’t find not hugging to be terribly taxing

So put your hands in the air and let that shoulder hang

Sorta like a hunchback doing the wave?

I’m goin’ global

Good luck with that in Europe, guy…you know, where they kiss everyone on both cheeks while strutting around topless! Oh, also let me know how that works out for ya with the naked natives in New Guinea.

‘Cause you don’t know me

Those last two lines don’t even make sense together! It’s almost as if you made up a meaningless line just so you’d have something to rhyme a random, nonsensical pop-culture reference with that has nothing to do with the song in a shameless ploy to show how “with it” you are. Nah, you wouldn’t stoop to th---

I’m buyin’ babies like I’m Angelina Jolie

And I stand corrected. (Is this like a common natural progression? You renounce front hugs and just spontaneously start snatching up kids from Cambodia?)

Pictured: not hugging
Pictured: not hugging

So quit that huggin’

(before you turn gay or something)

And slow down mamma

“Please, you’re moving too fast…um…daddy. Wait, who’s my daddy?”

And hit my fist like President Obama

WTF again?! Did they just put this entire piece of crap together with mad libs?

"I need a politician, a verb, and a piece of anatomy..."
"I need a politician, a verb, and a piece of anatomy..."

Now, Democratic shift in the Congress, people

Democratic shift in the Congress, people

Democratic shift in the Congress, people

If anyone has any idea what this even means, let alone has to do with any freaking thing, please put it in the suggestion box and I’ll read it as soon as I come out of hiding.

Ohhhhhhhhh!

Owwwwww!…is more like it.

CHORUS

VERSE 3

Now uh, I’m a married man

And I bet you’re a tiger in the sack too…through that hole in the sheet.

So you know I can hold hands

Dude, you can do that in a freakin’ prayer circle, Romeo!

Front hug all day with no other demands

I don’t care what they taught you in Sunday School, you can’t make a baby by front-hugging. (And I'll bet she'll still want you to take out the trash.)

But uh, as for all of you

Until you say “I do”

No front huggin’ or PDA or your EG time is through

(I’m totally sneaking a front hug on prom night)

But uh, some of ya’ll is slick

(And some of us not talk good smart)

Try to pull this trick

Wait, are you now insinuating that front-hugging is on par with prostitution?

Your hug starts in the side

But soon it turns the chick

(It is a well-known fact that church girls love to be referred to as “chicks”)

So if you end up here

Then go ahead and scream it

When I hug people I leave room for the Holy Spirit

Liar! I saw those side hug pics! There’s as much room between two sides touching as there is between two fronts touching.

If a girl walks up

…with a itty-bitty waist and some round thing in your face, you get sprung! Oh wait, my bad…

With her arms spread wide

(like Jesus?)

And she’s front hug bound with that look in her eye

…like a crazed, hug-starved cougar

You better turn to the side

And pat her on the back

(preferably way up high between the shoulder blades so you don’t inadvertently come into contact with a covered bra strap)

‘Cause Jesus never hugged nobody like that

Um…I’ll get right back to ya after I find the Scripture reference for that one.

"Ease up, Hey-soos; you heard the song!"
"Ease up, Hey-soos; you heard the song!"

CHORUS

[This potential Grammy nominee ends with an inexplicable bullet-riddled drive-by shooting with everyone falling over dead for some reason as police sirens appear in the distance. Your guess is as good as mine.]

(final note: I hear these hip hop moguls have a few more hit singles in the works, including: Mittens-a-Must Massage; Separate Genders, Separate Elevators; and Perfume Means You’re A Whore.)

Pictured: modesty
Pictured: modesty

Comments

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    • profile image

      Tesseract 2 years ago

      You are HILARIOUS! I laughed through every line. I'd give you a big hug front, back, and side hug if I could (I bet you're glad you did your shtick online instead of a live audience)! Thank you for the entertainment, and message.

    • NateB11 profile image

      Nathan Bernardo 3 years ago from California, United States of America

      Hilarious! And it's not just Christians that make up bizarre rules like this. Refreshing to see someone making fun of this kind of stuff.

    • Chuck Bluestein profile image

      Chuck Bluestein 4 years ago from Morristown, AZ, USA

      Very funny!

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

      I have known sidehuggers for decades, and many of them non-Christians. Just folks uncomfortable with frontal contact. Not me though! I am a full frontal hugger from way back and everybody I have met at least once before gets it; men, women, old and young.

    • pay2cEM profile image
      Author

      pay2cEM 7 years ago from Nashville

      @ Aguasilver: remember in church when when the pastor or worship leader would instruct us all to meander around and greet one another with a "holy hug?" He was totally leading us into sin!

    • Ivorwen profile image

      Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      WOW! I don't believe I have ever heard something quite so stupid before... Oh wait, maybe some of the stuff by Green Jelly was just as bad, but in a different way. While I am all for purity, this is beyond ridiculous.

    • aguasilver profile image

      John Harper 7 years ago from Malaga, Spain

      Whew, thanks for identifying a terrifying concept of mind bending stupidity! (and coming from me that's probably worth remembering!).

      Absolutely amazing what mainstream American Churchianity can invent!

      John

    • Satori profile image

      Satori 7 years ago from California

      High five for this. From the front.

      Be well,

      - Satori

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