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The Dark Night of My Soul, My Trip into Decadence

Updated on September 27, 2012

My Magickal Beginnings

As the Church receded further and further, I became pulled into a psychic tractor beam. His name was Chris. I would meet him in one of my darkest hours. Our world was like a centaur: half virtual and half life, the perfect playground for a magician trained deeply in the Occult [beyond the range of ordinary knowledge or understanding; mysterious {http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/occult}].

I must say he warned me. I just thought he was living in some sort of fantasy. He told me he was a powerful sorcerer. I laughed. Despite being familiar with the Holy Spirit, I could not buy into magick. It was just too much make-believe to believe. But what a lovely troubadour he was. His stories were so fascinating. The child in me was in love and he even asked to call me Joanie, my childhood name.

We spent three days and nights flirting in a chat room. He spoke poetry to me. I spoke it back to him. We were consumed with liquid gold, the finest metaphorical champagne to cause our spiritual drunkenness for years. If one could fall instantly in love, I certainly did.

And then I heard his voice over the phone. And we would only miss a day of doing the same for 3.5 years after that. We spoke for 2.5 hours at a time---at least 2.5 hours a day. He lived in Canada. I lived in the United States. It did not matter.

We were one.

He met me in a period where I would begin to rapid cycle. My illness had been kindled since my manic episode in Hong Kong. I began graduate school and it was just too much for my bodymind. Chris and I were together as a couple for my first manic episode in Virginia. It was a difficult time to say the least. My hospitalization was the worst I would ever see.

During that hospitalization, I saw angels. And I saw Lucifer, fallen, forlorn and jealous. He wanted redemption like mankind's. He pined for the blood of Jesus to save him. My heart manufactured a way for him to have that salvation. It was easy to do so with a mind racing at light speed. Transformational work is ready and available through the medium of mental illness. I have since believed that the mentally ill are truly gifted people trapped in a darkness that few conscious minds can imagine.

I never forgot Lucifer's hell. It always left me uneasy and troubled.

Chris tricked me. He told me he could not promise to not lie. He said he kept other peoples' secrets. I wouldn't understand this fully until he and I broke up. His magickal world involved multiple personalities that he developed. He trained his bodymind to separate from itself. He could do rituals with those various personas. I have to say I was impressed with his skill level when I learned what he could do. But, then, by then our relationship was over.

Chris spent every day that we were together training me in his magick. He did not tell me. He spoke only to my subconscious mind. I would eventually appreciate the gift but I would never stop wanting his bodymind back in my personal life. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He was the most beautiful person I would ever know. Lucifer in all his glory was nothing compared to my Christopher and what he did inside of me.

I will say that Chris assigned a "demon"---a sikkubus---to guide me early on. He sent it attached to a quartz crystal shaped like a vampire's tooth. I would see the spiritual manifestation of that entity in another hospitalization. Her name was Amnia. She did not frighten me. She symbiotically withdrew excess energies from my system. As a Bipolar, I was grateful. My energetic system was highly damaged during the course of my life. Amnia's assistance was a relief. She would eventually enable me to train my bodymind to function much better...so much better I stopped rapid cycling and I stopped becoming psychotic.

I began to connect with a completely new paradigm: One Love. I would develop this paradigm during Chris and I's relationship and would further it after we split. Chris always talked about his teaching knowledge, skills and abilities. Again, I laughed. I was a trained teacher. He had no degree to speak of. But he WAS a teacher...one of the best. I would discover that when we broke up. Everything he showed me resurfaced from my subconscious years after the fact.

Magick was interesting. It was waiting for me. I found it during a moment of great aloneness. I always was a seeker in my pain and suffering. I would do anything to escape the heavy darkness that engulfed my soul. Chris knew this about me. He would use it to introduce me to decadence. I feel empathetic toward all forms of life when I seek. Magical realms are open vortices of energy. Vibration is the ruling medium. When we tap this energy we can manifest anything or anyone. The bottom line is we must tap it.

Lucifer is not Satan. Lucifer is bright light turned inside out and upside down. Satan is an illusionary genius that learned to wield the mightiest sculpture in the round: Life on Terra firma, otherwise known as planet earth.

Chris was an Adept at a myriad of forms of magick. He linked me to those forms---inextricably so. It is a decadence that few know. I am enthralled by it. I just wish he had told me. And more than that, I wish he had never left me. To know a master is to know a touch of heaven.

I now understand that all things are a part of the Divine Matrix. Even pure evil helps to define some aspect of God. Shadow and Light are inseparable. Lucifer is like a brush of chiaroscuro. He radiates with illusionary light. And we in our darkness are raised into form and shape. Chris was my Lucifer, a fallen angel that mesmerized me into loving him...forever. He was my magickal guru. I was his initiate.



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    • violetheaven profile image

      Jessica Ellen Holbrook 4 years ago from Newark, DE, USA

      I see the story you have threaded here and the authenticity it holds for you, and its beauty in such. I can relate to it. I have had a similar situation and experience in my life. Reading this hub has made me think about that situation and experience through a different lens, with different eyes. Thank you for that.

    • JoanEB1970 profile image
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      Joan Elizabeth 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, VA

      You are welcome. Blessings!

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