The Journey has a Varied Route
Different routes can lead to the same place
I'm not brave
A journey has a varied route and regardless of the detours, we end up right where we should! When detours are first encountered they appear inconvenient, but, they can turn out to be a beautiful thing. I believed the one I am about to describe would break me, in the end, it didn't break me at all, rather it made me brave!
It's difficult to understand that the undertow of life is unavoidable, nonetheless, we run from it doing our best to stay ahead of its pull. If given the option one wouldn't choose a situation that could drag us under, however, learning to navigate in tough waters is a necessary skill.
The detour and information from this juncture would change our trajectory. During a routine appointment, life became complicated as I half way listened with a plastered smile on my face, on the inside, I was hoping to press rewind wanting to erase the information I was hearing. I needed to remind myself detours can be helpful! Later that same evening, I snuggled up close to my love and whispered quietly, "I'm not brave," some way in my torment I was reasoning the quiet of my words could make it vanish.
But, I am the realist, and the truth is, I knew the burden of this new trial would become a consistent part of our forever and the consideration of how it would transform us frightened me. This attack that inhabited our illusion of a perfect life could have been anything, but for our story, it was a confusing disease with obstacles higher than we trusted in our ability to scale on occasion.
I felt if we could pretend it wasn't real we could fantasize a new version of our reality all the while knowing the camouflage would fail, leaving uncertainty to remain. Of course, I expressed the ordinary flight or fight responses, such as, "I don't want to go through this, I don't want to smile when it hurts, I don't want to be brave, I can't do this, I'm not brave!" Please make me brave!
You Make Me Brave
Hide me please
Make it go away!!!!!
I tried shutting my eyes super tight, like a toddler, playing hide and seek, believing if I sealed them with enough vigor nothing could find me, nonetheless, it would sniff me out like a relentless dog full of a hunger to be satisfied. Was I ready for this fight? Hell no! Control was not mine to have. The potential visions of what it would cost began to swirl with reckless abandon and I was angry. The expense of keeping me here would be comparable to a large classic car collection, and every penny would drop from our bank account and into my veins.
Why! Why do we have to draw this hand God, I would like to keep the Ace, and please give me four new cards. I'm not even a good poker player and I can't bluff my way through this storm. Change is not what I desire; please God a new hand, please! I will do anything! I'm a caregiver, not a patient and yes, I was thinking what a waste of my "talents."
I pulled away after speaking into your ear, searching your eyes for what was behind them, lost in the pain that I thought was mine. Fully knowing it would be yours too, wanting our love to make it false. Yet, there in your eyes, I saw the stoic gentleness of your caress. Your surrender had been always quicker than mine and I would follow, however, my red hair and Irish temper would flail with exasperation before melting in your embrace of submission. Kicking my way with bargaining words of manipulation in some way to redirect the course that was not mine to chart. A soul search, mapping of alternate routes scurried in my mind with utter chaos, to no avail. Oh, how I prayed this body assault to dissipate, I have more to do than becoming this shell of who I am! Or so I thought, not understanding how we are only a shell if we choose to be, and every route has its purpose to getting us to where we're going.
Pensively I waited for the words to come, somehow hoping you could change the outcome. Subconscious awareness of denial, denial I was heading to, and your eyes were looking through me with an emphatic plea to rest from this whirlwind of fanatical excursion pleading for my return to the hope of surrender. Oh, beautiful surrender why did I not trust your option?
Hold me and never let me go
At last, I noticed the thoughtful gaze upon your face, I stopped, as thoughts raced captured by the look of you that was so out of place. My sweet guy was always the one to change the oil, the tire and keep the car running. But, not this time, there on your beautiful face I saw the gradual fill of your emerald eyes. Beyond any words, you could speak those windows to your soul were staring back at me, with those sweet beacons filling with tears, the very ones that caught me long ago for, within them, I sought my future, yet it was not yours to give.
Nothing could you share with me, except the warmth of empathy? You drew me close to the pounding of your broken heart knowing conditions were going to compound with the turbulence of disorientation until the navigational tools came back into view.
The way you held me seemingly transferring any strength you could muster allowing me to use it leaving little for you to sustain yourself. Such a selfless act, and yet this was your greatest attribute of teaching me to surrender. While others claimed my positivity in the face of this adversity you supplied my safe haven.
To have and to hold with everything we had, the vows we cherish in sickness and in health played a symphony of emotion in the silhouette of our embrace before the setting sun, of that life-changing day.
Lightening one of Gods many miracles
Lightening can be beautiful
We woke to the sunrise the very next day and of course, I wanted to scream please make it stop! Take this thing from distorting all the dreams we have compiled in our vision of a life full of bliss. Destroy these feelings of despair that are creeping in as thistle running wild squeezing the lifeblood of our joy.
How dare the darkened spirit come upon our lighted home of tranquility, our peaceful memory it will not invade. The power it believes to have is fleeting, for the camp it has pitched upon our property will not take permanent residence. Here is why I rebuke you from this place, we are believers.
While lost in this moment of transition you have attempted your approach, and thus we gave you the energy to plant your feet. However, don't get comfortable for once breath is regained we will have you take your leave.
This storm is like no other you have brought and as a lightening storm can turn its strike into mesmerizing hollowed glass, this too will mold us into something quite exquisite. We have used the bolts of past, as torrent deluge forces through the rods to transform fear of fiercest storm and make it something beautiful. This petrified lightning will meet our sinking sand and in the hollows of our veins will radiate a billion joules to form the sculpture of perfect glass menagerie. For we are not like captured beast caged among the throws of dread, but rather freed by Spirit wings to rise above the rooted pains.
You crept with slithered shattering to break our hollowed tubes of a fragile state. But lined with sand they hid from view, then sand was washed away, and hollow filled with joyful resolute. Not today will your belly path take root, as root was set before you came, chosen by a perfect King who gave the confidence to bare the trial of long suffering with strength and fortitude in Him who died so we could live.
At the final thought, we came to know there was no trial insurmountable and thus abated the weakened plight of burdened flesh for now we trust and go to Him the bearer of the cross that taken long ago has set us free.
Journey's end is just the begining
Today my friend if at the point of breaking news, take heed of our calamity, for when we roamed this journey new, it did not hold to bitterness, but rather we were carried here, through a wilderness of storm and sea the raging waves did not prevail.
The days rolled on with coaster ride some ups and downs would be, yet lessons learned along the way taught nothing is a waste to thee. It's from the ashes of the burn a salve will heal the wounded flesh and use the scar to forge the way to everlasting peace and rest. For in the arms of husband, and or wife, there is a pleasantry, but when settled in the arm's of God, there is no better place to be!
Our Journey's friends have just begun, may God bless the broken road and bring you to your destiny. For every turn has a varied route, but I pray we all end up together at Heavens Gate.