My Search For Truth
As Man Searches for God, I believe God is also searching for Man
So Explain this to me...Why so many Snake Gods?
A God of our own understanding?
Though My life I have pursued many paths and life views, and there were times I thought I found what I was seeking, only to become disillusioned or frustrated later on. There had been also times in my young life, I have had what I could only describe as "spiritual awakenings" but what spirit was behind these "awakenings"? Did it have my best interest at heart? Another thing to ponder...was these experiences all just my imagination, was I wanting something to be real, so bad, that it became real to me?
In fact that is what some people try to to tell me...that it is all in my head! If this is so then, why is it this way? What is the source of this disillusion? For if we are just some kind of happy accident, that has managed to somehow beat the odds and survive, what is the point of that survival? Why did our brains develop in a way that would make us think we found something when in fact there is nothing to be found?
The whole idea that we have evolved out of nothing for no apparent reason, just does not make since to me. No matter how I have tried to understand the perspective that we are "just here" and the only meaning in life is what we bring to it. One of the reason I have trouble buying into this concept, is that I look at the lives of those who say that there is no law giver no designer and no purpose outside of what they themselves have grasped. When I have taken the time to truly observe these peoples lives, they seemed rather...vague and empty! Now these people will swear all over themselves that they have meaning in there lives, and at first glance this may seem true. But go ahead and dig a little deeper!
What I have found with a majority of people who claimed to not believe in any form of Higher Power there was always something that had control over them! There was something that ruled their lives! It could be Money, power, or pleasure! One way or another, there was something or some ideal that drove them, gave them purpose. They were worshiping something in one form or another.
This is something that I have always believed; that there is something in us that needs something greater than ourselves to be real! Take the Atheist for example; some I have met seemed like they have become committed to proving to others that God does not exist! They can often be more enthusiastic or zealous than any missionary for God that I have met! Why are they so driven? Are they really that confronted by the belief that there is a God? Or is it just the Christian concept of God that they have a problem with?
I have shared some already about my own personal search for meaning and what life was all about, and in this writing I will attempt to fill in some of the blanks of how I came to were I am now. Since I know that many of you have not read all of my articles about how I found my way back to Christianity, I will break my own rule, and repeat some of what I have spoken of in other writings. However, to get a better grasp of the process that I went though, I will supply links to some of my work that may produce a better understanding of how I got to were I am now.
Early in my life, my family was not very religious. My Grandmother worked at a huge Presbyterian church as a secretary up until I was about seven.This, however was just a job for her, and she was pretty much Agnostic until later in life when she started leaning towards Buddhism. My father however, was not at all religious, even though he would take us kids to a First Christchurch until I was (once again) about seven. Looking back on it now, It was at this age that many things happened that would greatly influence my life. The first of this, is that my mother had Tuberculosis and ended up in the hospital for about a year.
This was extremely tough on me, for my father had to be on the road all the time, so I was pretty much raised by my oldest sister who is eight years older than myself. She had to grow up real fast to take responsibility for raising my other sister and I.
It was during this time that strange things started happening in my young life. These experience could be interpreted many different ways, like a over active imagination or other reasons like withdrawing into a fantasy world. All I can say is that for me, these experiences were quite real at the time.
The first experience is one I speak about in "From Satanist to Salvation" and was when I was hit by a car and then found myself "out of my body". This was the first time I started wondering if there was something more to life than what meats the eye. Even though I was not severely hurt, that experience seemed to trigger something within me. As I said before, it opened a door. I became what many people may call as a "sensitive" for I became aware of things that other people seem to not be aware of . My dreams became more vivid and I would "see things" on regular basses.
This increased for two years until my middle sister became sick with Cancer and died. It was on the night that she died, I would receive the most profound vision of that time. It was the vision of my sister laying in a coffin! To backtrack just a bit, I should mention that my mother became quite religious when she was in the hospital and became a convert of the church of Seventh Day Adventist.
One thing I should tell you about that religion is that "they" are strongly convinced that when a person dies they have gone "to sleep" until they "wake up" for one of two resurrections-the resurrection of "the saved" or the resurrection of "the lost". Any contact with spirits would be look at as of the Devil! Since I did not want to be looked at as "evil" at that time in my life, I keep my vision to myself!
I tried my best to be a good Christian boy, and managed to be that up until I was about fourteen years of age. I was going to a "good" privet Christian school, were I found I did not belong. I was constantly pick upon and was encouraged by my parents to "turn the other check." This would only add to my problems until one day I lost my temper. I ended up beating the kid to a pulp- from that moment things changed. I became very respected and I found my first drug of choice...Adrenalin brought on by RAGE!
I bring this up in this writing for it was this rage that influenced me even in the "spiritual path" that I latter became attracted to...It was the attitude of SATANISM towards or about rage that attracted me more than any other aspect! There was of course, much more to it than that, for I have begun to doubt that Christianity was all it was cracked up to be. I became fascinated by the concept that man created God. If that was so, I wanted to dig down into the dirt of history and discover just when and how God was created by man.
This is why I became deeply involved in studying the myths around the world. I wanted to know how much truth were actually in those myths. At this point in my life, I was more interested in the darker aspects of spirituality. After all, the concept of Unconditional Love seemed too sugar-coated and just plan unreal. In many ways my quest for knowledge turned me into a armature Archaeologist and I travailed the South-West exploring the ruins of the Navajo, and Hopi Indians. Then, later on, the Toltec, Aztec and the Mayan cultures of Mexico.
I became obsessed with the Occult and New Age concepts and read all the main Occult and New Age writers of the seventies and eighties. My favorite was Carlos Casanata and adopted his beliefs and "grafted" them into my "self-styled Satanism." I experimented with his techniques and received a certain degree of results from his practice. However, his concepts did not line up well with what others were discovering about the Toltec, which he claimed to be the root of his belief.
In my detailed search for how and when man created the concept of god, I soon reached certain conclusions. I realized when you started observing religious beliefs though out the world, some concepts would repeat themselves over and over again. The main Deity that was worshiped more than any other was some kind of sun god. This made since to me, because of the fact that the sun is vital to our survival. The other symbol for god that did not make since to me at first, was the use of either a serpent ( snake) or dragon. The snake as a god was worshiped in places were snakes are not even indigenous like Ireland. This got me thinking about the Bible's claim that Satan was the "god of this world" and that serpents and dragons is one of the main symbol of Satan made me start to wonder what was the true connection with these symbols.
Another thing I became aware about was the fact that many of the gods associated with different cultures, depicted their gods as quite cruel! I have heard many complain about the Old Testament concept of God, but that concept of God does not even compare slightly to say, Zeus who swallowed five of his own children! Then there is the thousands of men who were sacrificed to the Aztec sun god. Another thing is, there seem to be a obsession with child sacrifice with countless gods throughout the world. Also, the concept of holy war is not restricted to the Bible or the Koran- for I found them even the compassionate Buddhist have had brutal wars between the different Buddhist sects. Over and over again, one sect or religion has tried to annihilate others who did not agree with their religion.
As my search continued I reached a point in which The Black Arts became less attractive as it once was. I started to explore other forms of witchcraft (like Wicca) but, after discovering that much of the "roots" of Wicca could not be proven, I perceived this "religion" as just a good excuses to get naked, wasted and party!
Then in the midst of my darkness....In spite of myself, something happened to me that was beyond my power and my understanding. I will not go into the details in this hub, for since I have submitted this story else were, it would be a conflict of interest to publish it here as well. What I can tell is that I was caught in a undertow while traveling in Mexico and should have died. But instead a peaceful power that I had never experienced before came over me, and next thing I knew I was on the beach! This had nothing to do with adrenalin, for if you remember, I was already adrenalin junky. I did not pray in any form, I just gave up and surrendered to my death! However, something was not going to let me die, and this power had nothing to do with me!
You see, I know all about self hypnosis and will power, and have seen extraordinary things happen from the power of one's mind. This was not a example of mind over matter! For this was not the first time that this sort of thing happened to me.There had been many times that I should have been killed but was not.
Eventually, I started practicing Buddhism; for seven years and yet, I found some of the same problems within Buddhism as fundamental Christianity. I found that Buddhism to have many positive aspects to it...even so, looking back on my life I now understand that their is a force greater than myself that has a destiny set aside for me. In spite of myself God showed up! I was a person who despised Christianity to the point that I swore that I would kill my self if I found it to be true. I latterly sold my soul to the devil....A CONTRACT SIGNED IN BLOOD! Praise God that the blood of Jesus Christ is stronger than that! His love can over ride anything that we might have done! But first we must get out of the way!
Angles in Action
Jesus Christ is not Santa Claus!
When I returned to Christianity I came back kicking and screaming! I have had God intervene in my life time and time again, for I had tried to kill myself in many different situations and it became clear to me that God wanted me alive for a reason! I have also witness many other miracles in lives of many people...in spite of their own lives. I have heard the testimony of recovering addicts who should have died but did not. One man I know was shot on three separate occasions, and each time it should have been fatal. And yet he survived. Not because he believed he would survive or that he even wanted to survive. He survived because God was not though with him yet.
Others die in freak accidents that should of not taken there lives, for God was in control. Of course there will always be sceptics. No matter what happens in their lives they will refuse to believe. This is a example of free will. However the Bible makes the claim that eventually every one will come to admit that Jesus is Lord.
One thing I want to make clear, for it has been made clear to me, is that God is not a Santa Claus figure searching the world to find out who is "naughty" and who is "nice". God is about relationship; for even when I was "naughty" he reached out for me. In fact that is what God has done from the very beginning when Adam first sinned...God sought him out in the Garden. If you really truly want to find God you will find him! The bottom line is...it won't be on your terms...for if defiantly was not on mine!