Don't fear the Valley
I don't want to make another bad decision!
In the past, I felt like I was at a point in my life where I did not want to make any decisions about anything...
I was afraid of making the wrong choice.
Have you ever felt like that?
When not making a decision was better than making the wrong decision.
What if it backfires on me?
What if other people hate me because of the decision I make?
Well, I can tell you that I've had my own share of experiences - and I know that if I could go back and re-do the entire scenario over again, with the knowledge of the consequences for having made that mistake before, I would be the wisest person alive. I would want nothing but to share this wise information with someone else who may be going through that same situation. I would be overjoyed to teach others how to "avoid" making that same mistake. I realize that granted, not everyone would listen, but it wouldn't stop me from trying.
Some people, like myself, have come to the realization that being hard-headed and not listening to anybody is a bad character flaw, that can be corrected. Others, that are a little wiser, can observe other people making the same mistake and do better.
My husband is a lot like that and believe me, I am quite jealous. :)
Part 1: The Evil man
My first bad decision was running away from home at 14.
It was actually fun back then, but now looking back on it - it seems so stupid and just plain dumb. I can vividly remember turning 14. It was the first time that I decided I was grown and that I was going to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn't need anyone's help! Ha! Looking back on it now, I didn't know a thing about real life.
I was so naive and so lost...
....like a fish out of water!
The story is actually pretty crazy! So, I ended up running away from home - because my mom was trying to get all in my business! She had the audacity to want to know where I was going? When was I coming back? Who was I with? What were we doing? Oh my gosh! She wants to know way too much information! Like for real, who was going to answer all those questions every time I walk in and out the front door? The real answers I was looking for were more like, who are you? Who do you think you're talking to? Why aren't you going somewhere? And, don't you have any friends?
I remember getting into an argument with my mom and I packed all my clothes up and moved in with one of my best friends. I stayed with her and her family for a little while, until her mom kicked both of us out. We packed our clothes and all our belongings and both of us moved in with another mutual friend of ours. Her mom already knew and loved both of us and allowed us to move in with our friend. To make a longer story short, her mom kicked all three of us out! All three of us, real talk, packed our stuff and went to stay with another girl up the street; some girl that I didn't know who was going to let us spend the night there for a few days. She lived there with her boyfriend, who was about 6 or 7 years older than us. It seemed pretty cool at first, we were all there just kind of hanging out, partying, having a good ole time! They had big bottles of liquor, weed, probably a little cocaine, who knows? All I know is that we had a good time, and we all three got kicked out the very next night! I can't tell you why we got kicked out because of privacy issues, but we had no where to go and we had no money.
That night, the next door neighbor's were having a house party and we were all mingling that night, well, we met this guy. I will call him Evil. He was so friendly, smiling, offering us to have a drink...letting us roll up his weed...and I could tell that he was a big time weed dealer. Everyone knew him and bought from him at that time. He seemed cool, calm, and collected. He was older than us, most likely in his 30's, mind you, we are all about 14-15 years old. After telling him what happened, he happily offered to put us up in a motel nearby for one night.
We were so happy, like as if we had just won the lottery! Yes! We did not even care that we did not have money or food, we were just happy to have some place to go to sleep that night.
He took us to the motel and paid for a night and showed us the room, gave us our keys and left. We were in there bugged out, jumping on the bed....laughing, having a bonding moment with my homegirls!
A little while later, Evil came back and knocked on the door, talking about...can he talk to me for a little bit? I'm looking like, why me? What could he possibly want to talk to me about and why couldn't he talk to me in front of my friends? We just kind of looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders like, ok. Then, he says that he paid for another room right next door and that he wanted to smoke with me, maybe have a drink or two. I was a little hesitant at first, mainly because he was so much older than me and secondly because I figured that he was this rich dude with a lot of older women hanging with him, like why would he want to hang out with me....? When we went came in the room, I sat down on the edge of the bed and he poured both of us a drink. He turned the t.v. on and lit up a joint and passed it to me. I hit it a few times and handed the joint back to him and we were talking for a few minutes and I don't remember anything after that.
I remember opening my eyes and looking down and my panties and jeans were around my ankles and this man is between my legs.
I started pushing him off of me,
but he grabbed my legs and started having sex with me.
I was crying saying, please, please get off of me! I am trying with everything within me to push him off of me but the harder I was fighting, the more turned on he got.
Part 2: Young and Naive
When he got off of me, I hurried up and pulled my pants up and ran back next door. I banged on the door and when my friend opened the door, I remember I ran in the room and slid my back against the wall and fell all the way to the floor. My two friends were looking at me with confused expressions on their face, like what happened? Are you ok? When I told them what happened, my friend made a few phone calls and called one of her friends to come pick us up from the motel. They were feeling the same way I was feeling...afraid, confused, sad, and angry all at the same time. All of this, and don't forget...with no where to really stay. Her guy friend came to the motel, picked us up and took us to his house. His house was huge! He had a pool table in the middle of his living room. Their was a lot of people there hanging out playing pool. I remembered him because I went to private school with his sisters and his mom was real involved in the church that I grew up in. Anyways, he let us all stay there...he liked my friend too, so that was a plus and it was a win-win for all of us.
That next day, Evil was sitting out front of the house we're at. Someone came upstairs and was like, "Yo, this guy has been chillin in the parking lot out front for a few hours now, who is it?" Immediately everyone looked out the windows. My heart sank into my toes and turned into ice cubes in like 1.5 seconds. I looked at my friend and said, "what the hell!" What does he want? I instantly knew that he was crazy, for real crazy. So, the guy who picks us up, whose house we are at, goes outside and knocks on the window and starts talking to Evil. I was nervous and really hoping and wishing that Evil does not try to hurt this guy. He comes back in the house and tells me that Evil has 4 quarters and he is going to go to the nearest payphone and call the police and have me sent back to my mother's house, unless I come outside and talk to him.
Now, keep in mind that I ran away and my mother put out a police report saying that my friends and I have been missing for over a week now.....and so, if I come outside he will not make the call, he says...all he wants to do is talk to me, that's all. Come outside and talk to him. I'm starting to feel a little pressure from everyone to go ahead and get it over with so that this man can stop sitting in front of their house. They all agreed to be watching us out the window and that if anything happened, the guys would come outside and handle it. So, of course, to not cause any problems at his house, I agreed to go outside and talk to this man who literally just drugged me and raped me.
And I have now put myself in a bad situation where I don't know what Evil is capable of and what will happen if he does call the police. I knew that I wasn't thinking at the time, I was afraid. I went out to the car and walked to the driver's side window. He rolled his window down half-way and said, "Get in the car," very sweetly. I looked at him as if he was crazy and said no that I was not getting in the car with him. He rolls the window down and holds out his hand with the 4 quarters and said, "Just get in, you don't want to go home. I just want to talk, get in." "I promise I just want to talk to you." I looked back at the house and saw everyone looking back at me, and I thought to myself, ok, they are right there, what could possibly happen? Well, I got in the car and he locked the doors and pulled off real quick.
I am sitting in the car feeling like I was trapped in an elevator with no way out.
I started to panick,
my heart was beating so fast,
my hands and body was literally shaking.
When framing sin, ultimately, we should keep in mind three important truths—one’s that lead us not just to the truth of our condition, but the truth of God’s heart:
God is more holy than we realize...
We are more sinful and idolatrous than we think...
We are more loved that we could ever imagine...— Cristina Rutkowski
To be continued...
I will reveal the rest of the story in my next published hub. I have kept the real names of my friends and the Evil man a secret. I have no intentions of pursuing justice in my past situations; I have made peace with God and with myself. I am sharing with others because I know that there are other young girls and young boys who have got through a similiar experience. I would love to open a discussion to just give others a platform to speak their thoughts, experiences, feelings and desires here on Hubpages.com. I am open for discussion and I am looking forward to writing my next hub. I hope you enjoy this journey with me!