My curse, my meth
been using 3-4 years. I have no where to turn for help. No one knows about my shame except a dealer and a couple friends that do it recreational and think that's all I do to.
Today, I am at my breaking point as I drive away from Portland with my head down and another amazing life changing opportunity lost for reasons I cant find. 3 years ago I knew how a genuine smile felt. Knew a happy feeling here and there. Didn't have to put on a show to appear semi normal. I never put on a perfect charade. I didn't hide my life and hardships. But I am real good at putting lipstick on a pig or polishing a turd, so to speak.
am no angel believe me. My bathroom stinks like everyone else. I hold grudges, I've lied and have wronged I'm a sinner and probably a really good one.
However; I can't say no to helping people. I will give everything including my life no questions asked to help a loved one . I never put myself first or try not to. I make sure everyone has had enough to eat before I dig in. Make sure my girlfriend is comfortable on her day off and had a drink or whatever before I even consider wiping my sweat from working 16 hours straight. I can't bear the thought of inconveniencing someone.
Life is a balance I know that much.
Is it possible I'm soaking all the bad energy so someone else can be happy? If I can at least be shown that I would be tickled. I can stand the hell if it's giving someone else heaven and put a genuine smile on for it.
I also absolutely love most senior citizens and nothing makes me happier than helping them with no other intentions other than they needed help and cringe at the thought of them compensating me. It's my guilty pleasure and it's a selfish thing because I do it for that feel good feeling.
I need help though, i have a knot in my throat because I don't ask for this help thing. I need someone to help me break out of this darkness.
How is it that this one drug has ruined everything. I can't hold a job for anything. Literally worst luck. I score the highest in entrance tests. Work harder than 3 men. To find out company lost a contract no job as of the next morning. Another place, had a supplier institute workers needed x years experience to be on property. I was hired to be trained. Lose an apprenticeship after scoring number 2 because they didn't have the curriculum for me and I was a guinea pig as they dropped the ball and on my ass again.
I'm done fighting. I try to be normal and hard working and do good. This drug has me on the ground ready to hit 10 for knockout. I don't have it anymore to go on.
Guess at this point I'm better off as 200 pound fertilizer. I can't continue living like this and lieing and watching people feel sorry for my luck but this drug is all I have otherwise in worthless.
Anyone have nothing better to do ? Could you pray for me. I am not religious I have my theories and the topic of religion fascinates me. I just don't know how to lift this spiritual cloak off me.