This is Where I am (section 1)
Where is this heading?
- This is Where I am (section 2)
This is not teachings, and it is not a cry for help. This is where I am at the moment in my walk. This will be testimony, but right now its where I am.
I never wanted to be called.
What do you do when your name is called out? At that very moment i felt like a boy in school who did not know the answer to a question the teacher was asking. What felt worse is the girl I had a crush on was in the class, and to drill this home for you I had no pants on. So there you have it a pant-less boy with no answer to the question asked in front of his crush.
When I say my name's been called most of us would assume that one of our friend's had called our name, but no, that's not the kind of called out that I am talking about. What happens when you’ve been told you have a purpose to your life? What if that purpose was the one thing you never wanted to do? What if that purpose involved some of your most outrageous fears? What happens when your calling involves losing choices you wish to keep on the table.
Though I feel that I have a choice in the calling on my life, I am convinced that I will be unhappy with the outcome of dodging this one, and it all started from a prayer with some friends.
Here is where and Why it started
I have just started chasing after Jesus. Not that he is going anywhere i mean this in the most vague terms possible. I have just decided i want to deepen and strengthen my relationship with Jesus. I had spent half the day fasting, talking to God at every moment of freedom from home to work. Have you ever hit that moment when your giving it all you have, but you still feel like it is one sided communication, well i was there.
It was a normal day besides fasting. Once i made it home i prepared lunch for the next day, I had started meal prepping to eat healthier, and lunches I ate salads and I don't like to make salads too far before i am ready to eat them. I prepped my meals for the week, and cleaned the house a bit. Like I said normal day, I am a bit of a neat freak.
Later that night i had a lifegroup meeting. Lifegroups are a group of ten or less people that meet do a bible study, pray and spend time together strengthening each other in our walks. It is a great way to break the week up and get that dose of Jesus before sunday. We decided to show the movie Holy Ghost. The day before a few of us had attended the showing in our county’s local venue for the movie Holy Ghost. We were extremely overwhelmed by the content and could not wait to share this with our friends. So we showed part of the movie, and God started to rain his presence down.
I am not saying this, because i want you to see how religious I am, because I am not religious at all. I despise religion (bear with me). I am here for Jesus, I am here for Relationship, and whoever wants religion can keep it. In my life Jesus is love, and all he wants is to be in your heart, and to love you.
Back on Task
Back to the point of this article. God began to rain upon us. Well I say we, but what i should really say is them. My friends are being covered in the Holy Spirit, which is something i have been seeking for a short while at this point. For the past few months i had been asking God to draw me closer, but I felt locked out. I knew that some people just asked and bam, they could be hit by the Holy Spirit and be drunk from it for days. I on the other hand seemed to be someone who had to pray, ask, and remain steadfast constantly.
I threw everything I had into this prayer, and i prayed and called for God for an hour. While this was going on we would pray for each other. They made it around the room, and i could see the Spirit on everyone in that room. I felt defeated, no matter how hard i struggled to pray, or beg I couldn’t attain this. I felt drained by the time prayer had reached me. My friends all spirit filled began to lay hands on me, and almost all of them were speaking in tongues. Now not all of them had this gift, but a good number of them did.
They prayed for a good thirty minutes laying hands on me, and once again i felt defeated. suddenly the youth pastor broke the prayer, and stated something to me. She said “ I don’t want to tell you this, and i have been fighting it back for some time. Not because i believe it is wrong or a bad thing, but because i don't want to bear false witness on this. God will not let me go without telling you, I feel a call to Preach on your life” , and at that point my mind understood something.
Sometimes you know all along.
Did you run to your calling?
I had been hearing, but i shut it out. For years i had in the back of my mind that i would never preach. That wasn’t my calling after all. Besides i was terrified of being in front of people. I could barely handle a large group of friends. Almost every ounce of my being wants to shut this down.
This is where i am, and this is my current struggle, as well as countless others on my life. To some this may seem silly, and to myself it seems silly at times. I struggle with this because it goes against my plans. I understand that my plans are not Gods plans. I also understand that God's plans are the best plans to follow, and the only truly fulfilling plans.
In this I just wish to share where i am. I just wish to show others that there may be another in the same place that they are, and I will later share testimony, because even the Alcoholic, and Drug Addict can become an instrument of God’s word. Jesus is love, and when you let him come into your heart, well he shows on the outside as well in everything we do.