Top 10 Crazy Bible Stories
The Bible is full of absurd stories that surpass even the most depraved examples of pagan excess and promiscuity. Christians often respond by temporarily disowning the Old Testament, but there are a fair few crazy tales in the second installment too. What follows are ten of the stupidest Bible stories, presented for your amusement.
10. God Exits The Closet
Source: Exodus 33:18 - In this bizarre homoerotic scene, God and his human pet, Moses, decide to play a little game of `I'll show you mine if you show me yours'. Moses asks God to `reveal his glory' (wink wink), but God warns that anyone who views his divine face will die! As a compromise, God covers Moses' face with his hand, before mincing past and showing Moses his backside. No doubt, this was accompanied with an abashed "Does my bum look big in this toga?" As an interesting aside about Old Testament plagiarism, Zeus had the same killer face.
9. Jesus and the Demon Pigs
Source: Matthew 8:28 - Jesus was taking a leisurely stroll through a demon-infested tomb when two violent heretics began flailing about in front of him. They sarcastically asked if the `Son of God' had come to torture them for being possessed. Before Jesus could answer, a herd of pigs came thundering over a nearby hill. For some reason, the demons possessing the men pleaded to be allowed to enter the pigs. Jesus permitted this, but soon after, the demon pigs were driven into the sea where they drowned! People from the local town were shocked, and they told Jesus to leave their land immediately. The moral of the story is: don't reject Jesus' teachings or he will drive your livestock into the sea and blame it on demons.
8. Baldy and the Bears
Source: 4 Kings 2:22 - After purifying the waters of a nearby town, noble Elisha was walking along the road to Bethel when an army of forty-two young boys emerged from the undergrowth! As children commonly do, they taunted old Elisha about his bald head, saying "Get out of here, baldy!". Unfortunately, Elisha didn't see it as playful tomfoolery. He cursed the boys in the name of the Lord, and two bears sprinted out of the woods to maul the stunned children to death. Given the detail in the story, Elisha presumably counted the forty-two carcasses before going on his merry way.
7. Shrek in the Bible
Source: Numbers 22:21 - Shrek wasn't the only fictional character with a talking donkey. A holy man called Balaam was once summoned by a king to curse his enemies. After warning against this, God changed his mind and allowed Balaam to make the journey. However, the fickle god decided to send an angel to block the road. Only Balaam's donkey saw the angel, so it veered off the road and was beaten for its trouble. Two more times the donkey was beaten for avoiding angels on alternate routes.
Eventually the donkey was so fed up that it asked Balaam to stop beating it. The stunned man explained that it was making a fool out of him, so the donkey decided to lay it on nice and thick: "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?" After being firmly put in his place with this reprimand, the humbled Balaam was finally permitted to see the angel.
6. Too Much Poo For God
Source: Deuteronomy 23:9 - You know what it's like when people can't stop relieving themselves all over your house and garden. Well, if you lived 3000 years ago you might. Apparently, the Israelites were notorious defecators who regularly left their stinking feces in plain sight. God was particularly troubled because even though he can create a universe, he can't stop himself from stepping in poo: "when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. For the Lord your God moves about in your camp to protect you". Dog owners be warned!
5. Jesus and the Obstinate Fig Tree
Source: Matthew 21:18 - Jesus was traveling along a road with his gang of followers when he became hungry. Tragically, he stumbled upon a fearsome fig tree with leaves aplenty, but no fruit to speak of. Jesus took this as an affront and conjured all his powers in a pitched battle against the insolent tree. The poor thing didn't stand a chance, and it quickly withered and died. Jesus' disciples were amazed; not with the stupidity of this `fruitless endeavor', but with how quickly the tree died. Jesus smugly replied that anyone with true faith could kill a tree or tell a mountain to throw itself into sea. They were probably too afraid to slap him.
A Re-enactment Gone Wrong
4. Love Me Skeleton Army!
Source: Ezekiel 37 - In this story, God and Ezekiel enter a valley full of dry bones. God decides it's time to demonstrate his incredible magic skills, so he asks Ezekiel if the bones can be made to live. The servile, grovelling, taster of the divine posterior replies that only God knows what is possible (ugh!). So God dares Ezekiel to say an incantation to raise the dead, which ends with the words "I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord". Apparently, God is so insecure that he needs these bones to worship him. Anyway, Ezekiel completes the magic spell and a `vast army' of skeletons is brought to life. God doesn't stop there though. He attaches tendons, flesh, returns their souls to their bodies, and sends them on their merry way back to Israel.
3. Rape, Incest, and a Pillar of Salt
Source: Genesis 19 - God's most cherished man in all of Sodom was called Lot. God liked him so much that he sent two angels to stay with him. However, during the night, a gang of rapists descended on Lot's house to defile the angels! Lot, in all his holy righteousness, declared: "No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them".
And that, kids, is why God allows rape. It doesn't stop there though. After using their magical powers to blind the rapists, the angels called down air-support from God. Lot and his family were urged to flee the city while God rained burning sulfur on the inhabitants. However, there was one small caveat; God didn't want them to look back at his shameful annihilation of the Sodomites. Of course, women are stupid in the Bible, so: "Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." Why a pillar of salt? God knows, literally.
Lot and his two daughters retreated to a cave in the mountains without a thought for their dessicated mother. The daughters decided that their father was too old to find another wife, so they did what any loyal daughter would do (right?), they got Lot drunk and had sex with him. Both of the daughters got pregnant by their father and, presumably, they all lived happily ever after in a trailer park in Kansas.
2. Give me 100 Foreskins!
Source: 1 Samuel 18 - Saul was the King of Israel, and David was his popular general. As a result, Saul feared David's power and wanted him killed. So when David asked to be married to Saul's daughter, the sadistic king demanded a difficult and perilous payment. Saul asked for one hundred Philistine foreskins. That's not a joke or an exaggeration... he wanted foreskins. Anyway, Saul hoped that David would refuse or be killed in the act, but this young psychopath had other plans. Indeed, God's favorite butcher took great pleasure in mutilating his enemies because he lost count and returned with 200 bloody, mangled, human foreskins. Thankfully, the Bible doesn't go into detail about what Saul did with his gruesome prize, but at least David lived happily ever after.
1. The Bible on Rape Victims
Source: Judges 19 - A man and his `concubine' were traveling from Bethlehem to Ephraim when they had to stop for the night in an unfamiliar town. An old man took them into his home, but after a few hours of partying, a gang of bisexual rapists arrived and demanded to have sex with the male traveler. The old man replied: "Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish".
"So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight."
The poor woman returned beaten and raped to the door of her man, hoping for comfort and love at a time of hopeless desperation. So what did the man do? He "took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel."
This disgusting act was not punished by God or the Israelites. Instead they went to war with the town from which the rapists had come, and slaughtered thousands of people in the name of God.
Bonus Story: Biblical Evolution
Despite the blathering tirades of creationists, there is a passage about evolution in the Bible. In Genesis 30, Jacob's flock of striped goats is stolen, so he peels the bark off some branches (to make stripes) and puts them in front of his plain flock when they're mating. Seeing the branches causes a genetic mutation that makes their baby goats striped! This incredible feat of genetic engineering predated Mendel and Darwin by at least 2000 years.
The religions of the world have provided us with many weird gods and goddesses. Nevertheless, it is alarming that two billion Christians base their entire moral philosophy on this sickening collection of genocide, rape, incest, homophobia, sexism, and racism. It's time to educate the masses about what Christian beliefs entail. The Bible is not a good book; it is the work of a two thousand year old, morally antiquated, Middle Eastern civilization.
© 2013 Thomas Swan