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What Was

Updated on August 27, 2014

by Michele Adams

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10

I've been an overachiever my entire life.

I had very good grades in school. I was the "good child" (well, in my own mind) to my parents. I maxed out every test I took in the military. Having never fired a weapon, I picked up a rifle and became a marksman. I've always gotten any job I've applied for. I started two businesses from scratch. I am a good wife. I am a good mother. I am good at my current job.

Anything less than perfection, in what I do, causes me stress.

Today has been a stress day.

Tonight I'm reflecting on some things that have been building up for a while. I'm going to give them a night to grieve, and then I'm going to put them away.

I feel that I've lead a pretty good life, not perfect, but good enough.

Then cancer came, and stole that chance at being good enough for anything ever again.

Now I'm a sick, flawed cancer patient.

I know others won't admit to seeing me that way, but it is a fact.

I can't do any of the things I used to be able to do. I can't remember things as well as I used to. I can't lift. I don't have endurance. Heck I can't even lose weight-which SHOULD be easy for a cancer patient.

I just feel washed up and useless.

Yes I am alive. I'm grateful for that. However cancer has taken away a lot of my achievements. It has taken away a lot of my "earthly joy".

Don't get me wrong, it can NEVER take away my joy in the Lord. I CHOOSE to be joyous most days.

Today isn't one of those, however.

Today I'm taking a day to grieve over what was, and what could have been.

Tomorrow the sun will rise. Tomorrow God will give me the opportunity to make it a joyful day.

Until then...

Psalm 3
But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the Lord,
and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.

© 2014 Michele Adams

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      Robert E Smith 3 years ago from Rochester, New York

      I think you stated your grief well. You put the correct Christian label on it so all would know that you do not put blame on God, you know that happiness is a choice, and that you choose to be joyful no matter what. All this, as a fellow Christian, I understand and I mourn with you for memories that never will be again.

      I think we all face our aging and mortality differently. You choose to do so with grace and peace and I respect that so very much. What a great example you are to do that when you could be wallowing for years in the circumstances in your life. You are strong in your weakness and I will re-read this hub many times, I think.

      I, too, remember the things that were in me but time and aging has wrested away. I mourn, (if I let myself) wasted opportunity while it was there, for now my arthritis and upper-middle age is fast-creeping up, slowing me, my abilities, the choices my young self could make are already made for me. In weak times I pound myself with questions and try myself in the court of self-incrimination. Why did I not take advantage of healthy wrists and begin writing sooner? Why did I avoid playing music until my hands have trouble holding an instrument? Why did I waste so much of my youth in sinful pursuits?

      All of these questions plague flawed sinners in one form or another, the basic question being: Why didn't we do more with the youth and health we had?

      Now, we press on, we bury our what-could-have-beens and forgetting the things behind press on. What will we do with the moments that remain in our lives? This now is the pressing question. I will fill mine with prayer, with praise, with witness, with encouragement. Please know that I will pray for you. Bob.